Monday, December 28, 2009


You can tell I'm enjoying my vacation when I don't even post. At all. Anyway, time for quotables!


VA: For better or for worse.
KB: Woo.
VA: For better or for worse. Till meth do its part.

Patience: *hanging on Maggie*
Maggie: *trips*
VA: Patience, you need to stop that. You're causing her to stumble.

VA: Man, I'm getting so tired of showering.

Katie: Sam is an enigma to me
and I don't know why
Nala: obviously
Katie: lol!
Nala: that's what an enigma is!
that's the most amazing quote ever
"Sam is an enigma to me, and I don't know why"
Katie: oh
but I MEAN....
Nala: ROFL
Katie: whatever :-P
Katie: hahahaha
Katie: NO
Katie: well I could
but I WON--oh
Nala: :-D
Katie: yeah I could do that :-P


VA: *solemnly* I feel the giggles engulfing me.

VA: You know that song?
KB: ......
VA: The Trisha Yearwood one?
KB: ......
VA: The Walkaway Joke one?
KB: Yeah?................. So?
VA: I forgot about it.

Si: I fowgot my pants!

VA: *in the dark of the theater* Look at that little dude who went to see Twilight.
KB: He probably brought females with him.
VA: *disparagingly* He doesn't look like the type to attract women.
KB: ?!?!?!
VA: Of course, all I saw was his glasses.

VA: *still waiting for the movie to start*What happens in New Moon again?
KB: Virginia!!
VA: I forgot! It's when he................?
KB: Uh, Edward LEAVES?
VA: Ohh, so this is gonna be her lying in the woods the whole time. Got it.


Talking about birds' mating habits:
Dr. Settles: So this guy's floofing out his feathers trying to get her attention, and dancin' around in circles and stuff.
KB: *to Janna* I think all guys should do that....
Janna: Yeah, why can't human guys do that?
KB: Hoppin' around....
Janna: That's gonna be a requirement for the guy I marry.

Kyle: can I have an aligator on a leash
KB: depends on what you want it for
Kyle: do you not trust me with a pet aligator on a leash.

Max: i know i could put a 115 above my head, well atleast a barbell. people are more floppy :)
KB: um, yes, I am definitely more floppy than a barbell
KB: rofl
Max: and squishy

KB: I have never SEEN so many people at the dollar store. They were GROCERY SHOPPING. They had SHOPPING CARTS.
Mommy: Wow, there must have been a major sale at the dollar store.
Jesse: "Ninety cents!!! Oh!!! This is such a good deal!"
KB: Ha! "Ninety-NINE cents! OH!! If I buy one hundred things, it will save me a dollar!"
VA: Why don't you just buy ninety-nine things?
KB: *gives her a look* Because that would only save me ninety-nine cents....
VA: So?
KB: So I could save a hundred cents!
VA: *gives me a look* You say that like ninety-nine cents is sooo much less than a dollar.
KB: Exactly! Why would... why would you even say that in the first place?! Why not just buy a hundred things?!
VA: I don't really know....
KB: This conversation is not making ANY SENSE AT ALL.
VA: Yeah....
VA: Me too. I didn't actually know what y'all were talking about in the first place.

Mommy: I'm sorry you're sick in all the wrong places.

Kyle: why do you insist on per
Kyle: per
Kyle: per
Kyle: crap waht's that word
KB: lol!!
KB: I have NO idea
KB: rofl
Kyle: . the word that means to put off until later
Kyle: procrastinate
Kyle: there we go
Kyle: percrastinate

Max: lets see if u can reach my weight by next november, u only have... 68 more lbs to go!
Katie: hahaha
I would be a sphere ;-)
Max: lol, spheres are great, you can roll them...

Isaiah: take out your anger on some teddy bears:
Katie: this sounds promising
Isaiah: ;)
Katie: who in the world thought of such a thing?
Isaiah: don't know, but I want to marry them
(provided that they're, you know, a girl. ;)

Katie: I'm starting to think I may actually finish this test
it's confusing as heck (heck is very confusing) trying to keep all the x's and y's straight, but really not all that bad and fun once you get the hang of it
Nala: I know heck is confusing...
I've been through it and back recently
I was very confused

Jordan texts me a picture of a page of Elsie Dinsmore, beginning "Elsie alone preserved a cheerful serenity," and going on to describe in great detail how the vehicle hurtled madly down the road and a powerful negro threw himself in front of it for no reason at all, risking life and limb, etc. etc. etc. I text him back.
KB: GASP. A powerful negro, risking life and limb for some po white folk?!?!?! Do go on!!! (not really)
Jordan: I didn't read that far. Only the first sentence was intended for audiences.
KB: Rofl. The sad thing is I remember that part.
Jordan: I weep for your soul.
KB: I alone shall preserve a cheerful serenity.
Jordan: Saints preserve us.
KB: I don't know about saints, but surely a powerful negro will come along shortly who is eager to risk his useless little life for complete strangers.
Jordan: Pretty sure you're going to hell for that one. Which is good, cause it means we can hang out.
KB: Hahaha. Are you going for sending that in the first place?
Jordan: I'm going for laughing at your text.

Nala: though, not your cheerful serenity, please
Nala: I'd rather have you on the red-heads-conquer-all war path.

VA: *singing* I'm a-gonna break out.
KB: Are you?
VA: Any minute now.

VA: *mumbles something unintelligible*
KB: What was that??
VA: I SAID, "I ain't got a motorboat but I can float your boat."
KB: Thank you for that.
VA: Anyway, I'm going. I'll see ya.
KB: .....Goodbye....

VA: I was trying to teach William ghetto language.
KB: Cuz you're so black.
VA: It was the shawty inside of me.

Talking about blueberry bagels while I fix myself dinner
VA: So have you tried them?
KB: I can't EAT bagels! They HURT!
VA: Oh. What are you making?
KB: Bagels.

VA: I TOLD you they played this song on this station!
KB: I didn't say they didn't....
VA: I know.
KB: Ha ha! "I TOLD YOU." "I never said...!!" "I know."
VA: Heh. I got a little excited.

VA: You know, it occurred to me recently that Fergie dresses like those Indians that only wore strings.
KB: .............EXACTLY like that?
VA: Well.... maybe not EXACTLY... with some embellishments... like she uses sequins where they just have little strips of cloth.

VA: This feels so WRONG. Katie Beth, isn't this WEIRD?
KB: *I look at her but can't see anything weird about her washing dishes* Uh... what?
VA: Look! It's so WEIRD!
VA: Look! I'm washing them in the RIGHT sink!
KB: Oh. Why?
VA: Cuz we don't have the thing for the other one.
KB: ........It fits in BOTH.....
VA: Well thanks for TELLING me....

Katie: btw, VA is dimtarded
I have to keep opening up my quotables page because she's so dimtarded
Nala: :-D
it's amazing

Katie: I got kind of distracted when my photo album took over your brain!
Nala: well, that's not my fault.

KB: What's on the neck of your shirt?
VA: What? No clue. Hey, why am I wearing this shirt? I thought I'd changed.

David: I almost put my towel on the sandwiches.
Daniel: That would be bad for the towel!

Mr. Thorsen: Where's my plate?
Everyone else: It's on the counter by the snowman carcass.

VA: Man, don't you just love that feeling when you roll over in bed and you get all comfortable and you think, "AHHHH. THIS is where I was meant to be."

William: My handth ah told.
KB: Oh, yeah. Would you like me to rub them to warm them up?
William: Oh no.

Playing Silent Football
KB: *pats head*
Jesse: Yes, Mrs. Katie Beth?
KB: Mr. President, Mr. Philip was giggling.
Philip: *pats head urgently*
Jesse: Yes, Mr. Philip?
Philip: *sheepishly* Mr. President, I did not know that giggling was not allowed.

Matthew: Hey, where was that kind of pizza?! I never saw that!
Andrew: I guess you weren't LOOKIN'.
Matthew: I was lookin' TOO hard.
Andrew: If it was a snake it woulda bit ya!
Matthew: If it was a snake it woulda bit me... where would it have bit me?
Andrew: Well it was about... here... so about here....
Matthew: Oh, about mid-torso. Man, those mid-torso bites are the worst.
Andrew: Eight out of eleven mid-torso bites are fatal!
Lizzie: Eight out of eleven? How do you know?
Andrew: ...Roadside sightings....

Thursday, December 3, 2009

My cell phone has a sense of humor

I texted the wrong person. I texted Drew what I meant to text Hana and then had to retext Drew to correct it.

As I was replying to Drew's text in which she said that she was just about to ask what I was smoking, I realized that my phone had two options for the word I was trying to type.

One of them was "weedcab."

I have nothing more to say.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Don't Limit Me, Desk Ladies

Today I had a four-hour calculus class.

It wasn't really a four-hour calculus class, but after our one-hour calculus class, a couple people from the class and I went to the library to study since we have a test in a couple days. We studied by ourselves for an hour and a half, then the teacher came to help us study for the next hour and a half. The other two people may have stayed longer, but I didn't, so I don't know.

I call them "the two people." I don't know how to spell the girl's name, and I don't know the guy's name. I can't ask him now, because we've been studying together and I still don't know his name, so it's long past the grace period of, "I'm sorry, what's your name again?" That grace period is something like the first two or three weeks of the semester. The semester is now almost over so I figure I'll just never know his name.

I assume The Two People don't read this blog. If they do, I guess I'm in trouble. Hello, Two People. My apologies.

I also ate a bologna burger. It was from the campus "snack bar," which apparently sells more than "snacks." The fact that I 1). Ate food from the snack bar, and 2). Ate a bologna burger at all are momentous events in my life. Events that I would like to forget.

The bologna burger was a gift from The Female Half of The Two People, who likes bologna burgers. In a way I'm glad I ate it because I'd always wondered what one was, and I guess also because it saved me from definite starvation. But now I know what it is, and my dislike of mayonnaise is intensified.

Moving past the bologna burger, hopefully forever, I will now talk about what I came to talk about: the library.

I firmly believe that the Vance-Granville Community College library, or the Learning Resource Center (LRC to you) is bigger than either the Franklinton library or the Louisburg library, which is pretty sad. That does not, by the way, mean that the LRC is big.

I wish they would just call it "the library." The title "Learning Resource Center" is entirely too long and vast for VGCC, and makes me want to have a headache.

There are a lot of signs in the LRC. "No eating, drinking, or smoking in the LRC." "Turn your cell phones OFF." "You must sign up to use the computers." Etc. etc. I don't really mind those, except the drinking part, because I like to have my beer where it's quiet and the LRC is the quietest place on campus.

Just kidding. There are other quiet places on campus.

Anyway, the signs I dislike the most are the ones that say, "No sleeping in this area."

The LRC is full of padded chairs.

The LRC even has a sofa area for comfy reading.

And we are in college.

College students are exhausted all the time. It's one of those qualifications for being in college. We're tired because we stay up late, working feverishly, so when we open a book during the day we immediately fall asleep. Because we fall asleep over our books, we don't get much done during the day, so we have to stay up late, working feverishly. Then we get sick. That makes us tired. It's a vicious cycle, I know, but heaven forbid that I should be the one to break the mold and get my work done early and not have to stay up late, working feverishly.

So why on earth the LRC should have signs saying, "No sleeping in this area," I can't fathom. That's exactly what everyone wants to do when they see those comfy chairs. And the signs are everywhere. They're over the individual study area (quite possibly the worst place to nap anyway); they're over the quiet reading area (the best place to nap); I think they're even over the group study area (what?).

The LRC and its signs causes me a lot of angst.

Someday I just want to take a nap and see what the desk ladies say. My group always studies in the "Individual Study Area" and not once have they said anything. Maybe I'll nap in stages. First I'll doze while I'm reading in the comfy chairs. The next day I'll study at the tables, but with my head down on my paper. The day after that I'll just sleep there. Then I'll climb up on the table to sleep. Then I'll bring a pillow and a blanket. Then I'll get on the desk.

Really, there's no end to what I could do. At least until the desk ladies kick me out.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"It's a little bit smeared because I sat on it in the car and not because I printed it out recently."

If you can name that movie you'll know what it has to do with this post.

I was going to go to bed, but where's the fun in that? Besides, I forgot to put sheets on my bed.

Virginia and I got our hairs cut a couple weeks ago, but apparently we both forgot to have our bangs trimmed. I personally was thinking I'd go for a long no-bang look, totally forgetting that I hate that look and that the half-bangs, half-not-bangs drive me crazy. I don't know what Virginia was thinking.

We talked about it, though, and were left dissatisfied. Our bangs must be fixed, but we weren't about to go pay $15 just to have them trimmed.


I watched a video. (This video, if you must know.) I pretty much figured that watching that one video qualified me for any side-swept-bang-cutting needs ever. So I went to find Virginia.

"Hey. Want me to cut your bangs?" (*gleeful hand-clasping*)

"What?! No!!" (*horror*)

"But I watched a video on YouTube."


I grabbed her before she could change her mind (the whole time thinking, "Really? It was that easy?"), and I cut her bangs.

About halfway through the process she said, "You watched a video? And I let you do this?!"

She did specify that if I messed up I had to pay to get them fixed....

But y'know what? It went well. So then I cut my own bangs, which also went well.

C'mon. Like I was gonna cut my own hair without practicing on someone else first.

Anyway, I'm quite pleased. And I still have my $30 (to get both of our heads fixed...), so I'm even more pleased.

There are my bangs, in all their midnightness. (In other words, ignore my face. Midnight is not its thing. And yet it is... it is so its thing....) Also at an ISO that would be completely unnecessary were I not sitting in the dark.

You should definitely try this if your bangs are long but you don't need anything else cut. It's super fun chopping your own hair to pieces anyway.

Now that's enough stalling. I go forth to conquer. Or at least to put sheets on my bed. Goodnight, my precious weirdos.

You have to be a weirdo to read this blog.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

School is eating me alive

So you get quotables! Enjoy.

(In other news, I need to swing dance.)


Stephen: *staring at something on the counter*
Genise: That is a strawberry bagel.
Stephen: Oh. It looks like someone died in the batter.


Lizzie: my across the hall-mate decided that I was my roommate's imaginary friend

Lizzie: we should have a reunion
all groover friends
that would be nuts
KB: I agree
I think that would be fantastic
except we would have to have it, like... everywhere in the world
cuz that's the only place that would fit us all
Lizzie: hahaha
i think we could fit in russia
its big
KB: we probably could fit in russia
and they don't really have anything to do with anyway
all the ruskies
so we could kick 'em out temporarily
and use their space
and their furry hats
Lizzie: haha, good luck
KB: we'd ned thsoe too
Lizzie: yeah, they have plenty of furry hats
KB: definitely
an abundance, I'd say
Lizzie: probably a plethora

Lizzie: I miss small lisping redheads saying funny, funny things
KB: hahaha
Lizzie: and also you and va and jesse
but also small lisping redheads
KB: yeah, the small lisping redheads pretty much take the cake
Lizzie: yeah, and I don't even like cake that much
they can have it anytime
KB: same here
Lizzie: ice cream is more better
KB: I like brownies
Lizzie: as long as they are made of ice cream
i like brownies too

Mr. Turner: *sudden coughing fit* *surprised voice* I swallowed my gum.

KB: Hi.
Patience: Hey babeh.

Daddy: Hey, we're havin' a party!
Daddy: We're gonna have a party!
KB: I GUESS IT COULD BE FUN..... Are we really having a party?
Anna: It's Ginger Ale. That's pretty much, like, all of the party.

Anna: Katie Beth, do your snazzy Y friends love you?
KB: Um... yeeees?
Anna: Do they love you like a cool summer wind?
KB: .........
Patience: I know they don't.
Anna: I know they do.

KB: read a boring history book or something and you'll be sleepy
Kyle: lol
Kyle: read chinese historu
Kyle: :-/
KB: you could read my nutrition book
Kyle: no :-/
KB: that would probably bore you to death
Kyle: the internet is pretty boring
KB: haha
Kyle: I am going to write a song
Kyle: "The internet is boring tonight"
KB: hahaha
KB: tell me how it turns out
Kyle: it won't

Rebecca: I have a quotable and I demand you put it on youw blog.

About a kid in art class talking about how peacocks are beautiful:
Patience: But little kidth can't even thay beautiful!

Anna: WHERE did you get that Chik-Fil-A cup?
KB: .............

Sarah: Laken! You're supposed to be treading water! Why are you floating on your back?!
Laken: I'm not floating! I'm treading water with my ears.

Jesse: *at 8:30 pm* Good morning.
KB: .....Not yet!
Jesse: I was born before my time.

VA: I've never had pancakes like the ones at the Biblical Student Worldview Conference.
KB: ....They were bad, right?
VA: Yeah, they were like, *makes unbending motions with hands*. They were like rubber. You could have made tires out of them.
KB: *only sort of listening* Mmhm.
VA: They were like a snack for the road.
KB: *looks at her*
VA: *smug, expectant look*
KB: You just wanted to say that, didn't you.
VA: *starts to giggle* Yeah. I thought of it earlier and I've been waiting to say it. Hee hee hee!

Patience: *runs by completely naked* Bloooooming tiiiiiiiger!

KB: *takes out finished peacock drawing* Hello, peacockian.
VA: He's hott.

Mommy: *praying* And I pray that You'll help Jesse and Alec to be themselves but still make a good impression.

Talking about plant adaption in Biology:
Dr. Settles: And you know how it is when your neighbor's all pushin' against you and annoying you and crowding you out and not letting you get any food. What do you do when your neighbor's all in your space? You turn around and you eat your neighbor.

Anna: Nothing broke!

Ashley: Yes, Pirates are winning!
KB: Sweet. Who are they playing?
Ashley: UCF.... wherever that is.
KB: University of... Central... Florida?
Ashley: Is that what it is?
KB: I dunno, I made that up.
Ashley: Oh. University of... Califffffornia?
KB and Ashley: Nooo.......
KB: University of... Colorado at... Finland?
Ashley: University of College Flappers?
KB: They play football?
Ashley: That's why we're winning.

VA: You look like you need to be kissed.
Patience: Well I don't. I jutht look like it.

Anna: A pound cake: WEIGHS a pound, and you POUND it with your hands!
KB: Incorrect.
Anna: What?! I thought I looked it up in the Great Dictionary of Anna's Mind!

Patience: I get thick a lot.
KB: You do not.
Patience: I do! I remember at leatht TWO TIMETH when I got a FEVER.
KB: Patience... you're six years old... that's not--
Patience: Onthe I got thick from playing marbleth.

William: I dot dat boom boom pow.

Daddy: Hey, wanna squeeze a workout in?
KB: .................Right NOW??
Daddy: Yeah!
KB: But then we'd be all gross and sweaty!
Daddy: We'd have time to shower!
Daddy: ...........................Yeesss?
KB: No one showers IN THE DAY! It's WRONG!
Daddy: Okaaaayyyy....
A few minutes later:
Daddy: I just asked Jesse. He said, "*makes disturbed eyes* Wouldn't we have to shower?"

William: I haven't not too!

Watching bobcat videos:
Daddy: Who thinks up these tricks?
Anna: Benjamin Franklin.

KB: How are you feeling, Patience?

William: *stands on the base of the basketball hoop* Dith ah my hoppletopple.
KB: .......A hoppletopple?
William: No! A hoppletopple!
KB: ...........A hoppertopper?
William: NO! Dith ah my hoppletopple!
KB: .................*bright assenting voice* Oh! ............Cool! *really has no idea*
After William leaves:
KB: Daddy, do you know what a "hoppletopple" is?
Daddy: Uh... no.... What is it?
KB: I don't know. William said the base of the basketball hoop was one. Maybe I'll ask Anna later. I bet she'll know.
KB: Anna, do y'all call the base of the basketball hoop a funny name?
Anna: Nooooo..... why?
KB: William said it was a.... "hoppletopple," or something like that.
Anna: Oh! *like it's obvious* That's a helicopter!
KB: Ah. I thought you'd know.

Answering the phone:
Anna: Goodnight, I mean goodbye, I mean hello?

Answering the phone again:
Anna: Hello? ..........Nooooo, Mr. Allen does not live here... OOOHHHHH, sorry!! *nervous hopping*
Us: *DIE*
Anna: *after she hangs up* That WAS Mr. Allen.

William: Yook Mommy, I a women!
Mommy: Nooo.... you're a little boy.
William: No! I a women!
Mommy: You're not a woman, William.
William: NO! I A WOMEN!
Mommy: William, you're not--
Rebecca: Mommy, he's saying he's SWIMMING.

Mommy: Girls, did you see how William obeyed me just then?
Anna: Nope!
Mommy: I told him not to play with that and he said, "Okay," and put it down. That's how y'all need to obey.
KB: Even though he completely ignored me when I told him....
Mommy: Well that is true....
Anna: Ok Mommy! That's how I'll obey. I'll completely ignore Katie Beth and--
KB: Hey! Mommy, no!!

Anna: Mommy, I am SO AWESOME. I mean, I am SO GOOD at figuring stuff out!
KB: And you're so egotistical!
Anna: Yeah! I'm egertistical!
KB: I don't think you know what "egotistical" means.
Anna: What does it mean?
KB: It means you're proud.
Anna: *horrified, sheepish face* OH. I thought it meant I was eager!

William: *giggling* Nooo! Don't tickle my yittle feet!
Us: HA HA! *tickle him some more*
William: Don't tickle my yittle tummy!!

Patrick: I won't be able to tell if it's thundering because that woman's kicking is so... thunderous.

Genise is so involved in ignoring Drew on Skype that she isn't paying attention:
KB: You're watching golf.
Genise: Oh! *changes the channel*

With Drew on Skype on Genise's computer and GTalk on KB's computer:
Genise: Wow, it's like Drew in surround sound.

Anna: Katie Beth, did you see the Mexican band at Wal-Mart???
KB: No, I wasn't there then.
Anna: It was so cool! They were dressed all the same, and they were singing in Spanish or Russian or something!

Monday, October 5, 2009

One person can only handle so much - Part 2

I was sitting here eating pizza and I thought, "Hey, what better way to gross myself out than to post the second half of that blog post!"

So here I am.

I spoke of cake on cake before. Some of you (ok, one of you) told me that cake on cake didn't sound that bad, and definitely gave me to believe that it was something you (ok, he) would willfully ingest.

Well you're wrong. WRONG, I tell you. Cake on cake is a glorified Oreo, and if I wanted an Oreo I would have gotten an Oreo. It isn't like we don't have giant Costco boxes of Oreos around here. In fact, I had some today.

But I digress.

The second part of this mad journey of Absolutely Wrong burst upon me one day when I looked in the fridge ("It's not the 'fridge,' Patience told me later, "It's the fridgerator."). I don't remember what I was looking for, but it didn't matter. I only saw one thing anyway.

And I was disgusted.

I was repulsed.

I was angry.

I was repulsed.

Did I mention I was repulsed?

You know that I would never do this to you, but please. Allow me to rant. Just this once.

Advertising is a wonderful thing. Without it we would never get anywhere. It makes things known. It gets things accomplished. It's big, bad, colorful.

And ok, it plays with peoples' minds and makes them want things they don't need, and that totally appeals to the dictator in me.

But that's not what's going on here. Food advertising is supposed to make that particular food that you already need desirable. It's supposed to make you want this particular brand over that particular brand.

This box doesn't do that. It makes me want to puke. And that is bad for business.

Ok, get to the point, you say. Ok, I will.

I opened the fridge that day, and I saw... this.

Really, Katie Beth? you say. You got that worked up over butter?

Yes, really. You haven't seen the side of the box yet. Hold your ponies.



I'm telling you, no one eats butter curls.

Decorative curly garnishes should be things that you would ever, possibly, remotely want to eat by themselves. Nobody but cats and toddlers eats butter by itself, and if you say you do, I'll sock ya.

I understand chocolate curls. I would eat those. I understand the little curly carrot shaving things. I would eat those too. But I would never, never, NEVER eat a curled piece of butter, and seeing it on top of something would make me want to never eat anything else again, either.

Putting it on food or something is bad enough, but to put it on a BOX....

I need to meet the people who are designing these packages. I have some things to say.

Butter. Is. Not. Decoration. Butter churns, fine. They're homey and Laura Ingalls used them. Legit. Cows, great. They're farmey. Laura Ingalls used them too. But actual butter, in shapes that no one in their right mind would ever consider consuming, is disgusting. Every time I see the box it makes me want to put it back and make something that doesn't use butter.

At a niggling suspicion, I googled "butter curls" and found that people do indeed eat these little monsters. Which I guess just confirms my fear that the world is full of hopeless, messed up people. People with really high cholesterol.

The mother says that the people who partnered with the people designing these things are going to see these blogs and say, "I TOLD HIM that was a bad idea!"

If that's you, please call me. Please? I want to dissect your brain.

Friday, September 25, 2009

One person can only handle so much - Part 1

Virginia has a recipe book, which I foolishly recommended to her one fateful day while browsing the B&N sale page. I don't know why I did it. I know she loves to make desserts. I know these desserts are bad for us. I know she takes it over the top. And yet I said, "Hey, there's this dessert book on sale. Do you want me to order it?" And she said, "Sure!"

So I did. She makes something out of it about three times a week, and spends the rest of the week drooling over it.

I admit that someone else who happens to have red hair spends a lot of time drooling over a particular Black Forest Cake on p. 312 (mm, cherry brandy). But that's beside the point.

Really, I don't have a huge problem with the contents of the book. I mean, if Virginia wants to indulge her overpowering passion for sweets, I guess she can have at it. I just don't eat too much of it because I don't need that much sugar.

I do, however, have a problem with the cover.


This is what offends my most delicate sensibilities. What IS this? Why is there a piece of cake on top of this piece of cake?

I read this book for weeks with a niggling feeling that something was terribly wrong. When I finally noticed what it was, I was horrified. I gaped in wonder. I asked myself why someone would think that was a good way to photograph food. I still ask myself that.

No one eats this way. This rankles. This rankles deeply.

For a while I thought I was the only one who felt this way, so I kept quiet (Uncharacteristic of me, you say. Yes, I know.). I kept quiet until one day... one day when I was at the end of my rope, when I was about to let forth all the strength of my indignation... when Virginia said, "You know, this picture drives me crazy. It's bugged me ever since I got it. WHY is there cake on the cake?!"

It was such a relief. We let forth our indignation together, and the strength of it was as of the ocean in its anger, if the ocean did get angry about things like cookbooks and bad photos.

Put a cherry on top, or something. Anything. Drizzle some chocolate syrup over it. Slice a strawberry and stick it up there. Anything but cake. Cake is not a garnish for cake. Cake is not a garnish for anything. The person is not right who thinks his cake is incomplete without more cake on top. And the person who photographs it for the cover of a book is even less okay.

I thought I would never see the thing that surpassed this monstrosity, but I was mistaken. Yes, as horrible and mind-blowing as cake-topped-cake as a cover for a cookbook, there is something even worse.

Readers, brace yourselves, for what comes next is so mind-blowing, so utterly disgusting, so blatantly against all that is good advertising, that you may not believe your eyes.

(To be continued...)

Friday, September 11, 2009


Kyle: What if it was your destiny to flip burgers @ mcdonalds?
KB: I night die. Why do you ask?
Kyle: Cause i'm deep thinking today...y'know when ppl say profound things and go down in history. That's me.

VA: Last night my dreams were like cardboard.


Patience: Did you know... that your thithter doeth not live with you anymore? And I am your thithter?

Drew: How many questions do you ask?
Patience: Hundredth.

Patience: Athk me what I wath doing.
Drew: What were you doing?
Patience: I wath wearing thretchy pantth in my room.

Dan: O lifeguard! I can stand now! Perhaps I could help you?

Patience: *about William* He took hith shirt and pantth off, tho I got hith hat....
KB: So he wouldn't be naked?
Patience: Yeah.

Sarah: *as Genise and KB argue about something in the front seat* I should have ridden with Mom.

Comparing muscle definition at work:
Sarah: Look, I've got definition! I've got triceps! Sort of... see?!
Cam: *rubs his belly* Girls, I've got a whole dictionary right here. It's got all the definitions you could ever want!

Sarah: Guys, I saw a dead body yesterday.
JC: *horrified gasp* ALIVE???

After the swim lesson kids jump in the water:
Becca: How do y'all feel now?
Kid: Wefweshed!!

Anna: *looking at my book* Gaudy Night? So it's like, they're going into the night, and, hey look! A big truck is coming down the Givens' driveway!

Dan: Ha-ta-ta, my friend!

Chris: That was my angry walk, but you couldn't tell because I was in the water.

KB: *pulls VA's ponytail*
VA: You rang?

Driving by a field with field hands in it:
Anna: What?! I thought all the slaves were set free!

Eric: What?! You've never had a Beach Sheep?!

Patience: Did you know that Jeb putth hith tail up in the thummer and down in the winter?
VA: No, I never noticed that!
Patience: .................I wish I had a tail.

Robbie: I'm gonna take a shower tonight. It's gonna be So. Much. Fun.

Eric: I would like a houseduck.
KB: A houseduck? And where would you keep this duck?
Eric: *gives KB the eye*
KB: Yes, obviously in the house, but where specificially?
Eric: .......................................In the.... jungle.......

Anna: MOMMY!!! William's throwing DVDs at us!

Talking about [hypothetical] online dating:
Kyle: That works until you find out the girl you're talking to is actually a guy. Then it becomes awkward.

Kimberly: When I was younger I thought "ghost" was a really bad word... And I was THRILLED when we sang it in the Doxology.

Kid at the pool: Guess what we wewe doin' while evewyone else was swimmin'.
KB: What were you doing?
Kid: We wewe swimmin' in the play pawt. But then we had to come out and eat.
KB: What did you eat?
Kid: Oh, just all the snacks we bwought.
KB: Oh yeah? What snacks did you bring?
Kid: Oooohhhh, pwetzels, and cheese sticks, and an apple fow my bwothew Alex. *confidentially* He's on a little diet.

KB: Who's the one in the green swim suit?
Kid: Call it a bathing soup.

Kid: Dat's my bwothew Nicholas. He's biggew dan me even though he's fouw and I'm five. *thinks* And how old would you be............ wight now?
KB: *dies* I would be twenty-one right now.
Kid: *confidentially* My mom is in hew THIWTIES!

KB: And what's your name?
Kid: *happy/embarrassed squiggle* Zachawyyyyyyy.....................

Alec: Hey, Mrs. Groover, would it be ok if, after we finish shooting, I wash your dog?

She said this lisping, but it wouldn't get the whole point across:
Patience: Hi sin!
KB: What?!
Patience: *tone of great condemnation* A SIN!!!

After passing a squished frog on the driveway:
Anna: It seems like a lot more frogs are getting stupid.

KB: Joy said there was a tornado in her town and it ate Wal-Mart.
Mommy: It's the judgment of God.
KB: *bewildered pause* On WAL-MART?
Mommy: Yep.

Jesse: Come on, William! Let's sit here and... observe the ladies.

William: A-you a-leh me poke yeewww!

William: A-you a-give me my thword! Thwordie.

Patience: *comes up while I'm reading Physics* Here ith dirt, and water, and the thtraw. *hands me invisible items*
KB: *absentmindedly pretends to slurp it up* Oh, tasty. *goes back to reading*
Patience: *says something but isn't heard because I'm studying*
KB: *realizes she's talking* Sorry, what?
Patience: You were THUPPOTHED to make a BRICK. You ATE the BRICK.

Before a "show":
Patience: I want to announthe thomething!
Us: Yes?
Patience: There will be NO food or drinkth. Or hamburgerth.

Rebecca: Mommy, Anna called me stupid!
Mommy: Anna, you know better than that.
Anna: Well I wanted to throw something hard at her but I knew I wouldn't get away with it!

VA: Hey guess what. I did a chin-up! *as KB laughs* Well, sort of.

Patience: My omelet will be WONDERFUL!
Five minutes later:

KB: Patience, you have no pants on.
Patience: I know.
KB: Why do you have no pants on?
Patience: Well, I had them on, but I took them off becauthe when I bent my knee I felt like I wath going to get a rash and it hurt really bad.

Anna: You know the best thing about people?
KB: What?
Anna: They can READ. And reading means whoa! A happy life!

Anna: *playing cards* Life cannot get better than this! Or CAN it?

KB: Are you going to look at any OTHER schools?
Jesse: I should... what would you recommend?
KB: I ALREADY recommended State. And State has a swing club!
Jesse: I'm sure Grove City has a bunch of swing clubs.
KB: YEAH, but if you went to State, you could take ME.
Jesse: That would take away all the appeal of going to State.

Kyle: but so what? I'm still a rockstar
KB: got your rock moves?
Kyle: yes, somewhere
Kyle: I thnk they're in my other jeans

Kyle: I knew someone who moved to wyoming
Kyle: so it exists I believe

Kyle: if you go to the beach of NC
Kyle: look out to sea (east ofc)
Kyle: you'll see bermuda
Kyle: weather permitting of course
KB: gotcha
KB: yes
KB: lol
Kyle: the weather has never permitted me to see if :-/

KB: Patience, STOP. That is not necessary.
Patience: YOU'RE not nethethary.
KB: Your face isn't necessary.
Patience: Your mom ithn't nethethary.

Kyle: Wanna fight?

Driving by a guy in a car:
VA: Is that guy smoking a cigar?
KB: Where?
VA: There... oh, he has his hand down now... we'll have to wait for him to hold it up again.
KB: Oh, I thought he was gonna just then....
VA: Yeah... close, but no cigar.

Anna: William, say, "The WICKED and the goooooooooooood!"
William: A weecked an' a dude!

William: *runs around in his diaper* Ah I indethent, wight?

In calculus class:
Josh: So why was that same kind of problem so much harder yesterday?
Mr. Turner: Well, that's mostly because I can't do arithmetic.

John: Is your life fulfilled?
KB: Is my life what?
John: Fulfilled.
KB: I..... don't even.... I.... I don't even know how to answer that. Is it fulfilled in WHAT? You didn't give it an object to fulfill.
John: ..............I'm going to take that as a yes. I'm going to take that as a yes so I don't have to question you anymore.
VA: *furrowing brows*
KB: YOU... look confused.
VA: ...........I think I am confused.
John: I think I am too.

Daddy: Hey. *smacks me with the fly-swatter*

Kyle: dude
Kyle: I was planning to go to the mall this weekend
Kyle: to get a hat
Kyle: because I am coveting a hat
KB: hahaha
Kyle: and I'm coveting the whole mall

Daddy: Do you think the Scott's Toilet Tissue overwrap would be good to wrap things in?
KB: Uh, no? What are you wrapping?
Daddy: Well I haven't YET....

Kyle: Speaking of tired
Kyle: that is a description of myself
Kyle: so I'm going to leave
Kyle: and take 45 winks
KB: alrighty
KB: dont' take 'em all, I need a few
Kyle: 5 more than the average person normally winks

KB: Children! Stop!
William: Cheewun! Top!

Monday, August 17, 2009

I would like a dozen Candied Octopodes

Lifeguarding's a funny thing. When it rains, we still have to sit out in our stands and watch the crazy people who swim in the cold and the wet. Unless of course it rains too hard, and then we close the pool. I never liked swimming in the rain because I got wet, but that could just be me. Apparently none of the swimmers share my opinion.

If it rains too hard for us to see the bottom of the pool, it's time to go. If it lightnings it's time to go. If it thunders it's time to go.

There's only so much we can do when it thunders. We can only clean so much stuff for so long. Today we were closed for two and a half hours. Everything was clean, all the extra guards were sent home, and everyone was tired of doing whatever they'd done for the first hour.

So Jack and I went to the Fun House and borrowed their Candy Land.

Man, I haven't played Candy Land in years. It's pretty hard to beat. You can't really go wrong with Candy Land. It's a pretty intense little kids game, what with the Gingerbread Man card and doubles and candy bridges and stuff like that. Riley beat both me and Jack soundly.

I remember playing Candy Land as a kid. I used to play it with Mommy pretty frequently, I think. Virginia threw away ours recently because it was coming apart and missing most of the pieces. We need to get a new one for the girls and William so they can have that essential piece of childhood too.

Today Marcus asked us how you play Candy Land. I said, "Have you never played Candy Land?!" and Jack said, "What kind of a child WERE you?"


Other news that must be shared: Hana and I learned (after having a conversation about octopi [wince] that I will not repeat) that the plural of "octopus" is not actually "octopi."

I wondered where the word "octopus" came from anyway, since I assumed the word didn't mean "eight cats," and Googled "etymology of octopus." I learned from the Online Etymology Dictionary, which is a very cool site that I never knew existed, that "octopus" is actually from Greek roots, not Latin, and that "pous" means "foot." Reading further informed me that, "Proper plural is octopodes, though octopuses probably works better in English. Octopi is from mistaken assumption that -us is the L. noun ending that takes -i in plural."

Octopodes? Really? I feel so freaking enlightened right now.

I told Devon the other day that we should have a Factual Aquatic Life Day sometime, in which we fill our eight-legged octopus (The other octopodes have unconventional numbers of pouses. Podes?) with ink. He said that I would want to fill an octopus with ink. Just wait until I tell him they're really octopodes.

Octopodes. Heh heh. What a cool word. Octopodes. Sheesh.

My podes are tired and spitting ink, so I'll see you cats later.

(Get it? See? Cats? Sea cats? Sea kittens? Oh, just go read the article. Ridiculous.)

Don't you just love it when you think I'm leaving and I give you something else to do?

Don't you just love it when I end my posts with open-ended questions?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Oblivion of Parenthood - OR - What Daddy Did

It was my 21st birthday. We were going bowling, because it is the height of legality and pure orneriness. Oh, and it's way more fun than drinking.

Hana had to be at work by some specific time, and it was late, so after making sure it was ok, the two of us hopped in her car to drive to the bowling alley. We hoped that the family would be there soon after us so we wouldn't have to wait too long.

Well we got there just fine, and had a great time goofing off in the car and talking about things like socks and coworkers, but there's only so long you can goof off in a hot car without wishing you could get out. It was pretty hot in the car, but it was even hotter outside the car, so there was no way we were gonna get out before the family got there.

So I called Daddy's cell phone to see how close they were.

"Ring ring," went the phone.

"Helloooo?" said Daddy.

I wondered why he sounded so tentative, but I let it go.

"Password greeting removed for security reasons," I said.

"Password response removed for security reasons," said Daddy.

(The only reason Hana can hear the password is because we're the same person. If she were to use the password, though, I would have something to say. We're only SORT of the same person.)

"Oh good, it is you," I said, reassured.

"Yeeessss......" said Daddy.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm... in the driver's seat..." said Daddy.

"I know that," I said, "But where are you? How far away are you?"

"Um, probably ten minutes... where are you?" said Daddy, sounding more confused by the second.

"Um, I'm with Hana... we're waiting for you... why?" Now I was getting confused.

"Oh!" said Daddy. "I thought you were with us!"

Hana and I died.

"All this time you thought we were with you?!" I said, as Hana and I shrieked with laughter.

"Yeah!" said Daddy. "I was wondering why it was so quiet. I thought you were hiding behind the seat or something. I've been looking in the mirror trying to see you."

Usually my family counts everyone before we leave. There are so many of us that we have to make sure we're not leaving anyone behind. I'm not sure what happened, but apparently nobody got counted that day, and Daddy left, thinking all the time that Hana and I were in the van, hiding behind the seats.

Maybe I should ask him how he thought we could FIT behind the seats.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I am 21 today

I didn't buy cigarettes on my 18th birthday (or after that, actually), and I didn't buy alcohol today, because 1). I couldn't care less, and 2). The stuff makes my stomach feel like it's on fire.

I'm really more excited about being able to own my handgun in my own name. That's pretty sweet.

The scariest part about being 21 is that I can now be the adult in the car with Jesse and Virginia while they have their permits. I have no problem with Jesse. I'm not going with Virginia. She scares me.

But you don't have to worry about me being too responsible. Like I told Mrs. Halvorsen today when she said no hair-pulling was allowed between me and Hana, "There are some things you never grow out of!"

Apparently we did a lot of that when we were little. We don't remember. That probably shows the extent of the damage.

Coming up (so I don't forget): The Oblivion of Parenthood, OR, What Daddy Did

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hannah WOULD tag me for a photo thing

And my sixth photo in my sixth folder WOULD be a non-photo. Here's the "photo":

And here's where it came from (it's worth it, trust me): All About Cats, from my old blog. And I tag... ohhhh... Hana, Juliet, and Joy.

The deal: Find your sixth image folder and post the sixth image from that folder. Ta-da. All done. May your photos be better than mine. ;-)

Every time I'm on my old blog I find stuff that I just have to revive. I've got two for you tonight: The Many Faces of Katie Beth, and SNACK TIME. I just keep myself amazed all the time. Good grief.

I'm going heavy on the colons tonight: I'm sorry.

Heh heh. I know that was punctually incorrect. Punctuationally. Punct'lly. You know, that stuff you put next to words.

To redeem myself in the eyes of my poor readers for all this nonsense, I'll leave you with a quote from my current reading material, Have His Carcase, by Dorothy Sayers (another colon coming up!):

"The best remedy for a bruised heart is not, as so many people seem to think, repose upon a manly bosom. Much more efficacious are honest work, physical activity, and the sudden acquisition of wealth. After being acquitted of murdering her lover, and, indeed, in consequence of that acquittal, Harriet Vane found all three specifics abundantly at her disposal; and although Lord Peter Wimsey, with a touching faith in tradition, persisted day in and day out in presenting the bosom for her approval, she showed no inclination to recline upon it."
I'm going to bed now, because it's absurdly late and I'm working absurdly long hours tomorrow. And also because Lord Peter is calling my name. I love Dorothy Sayers.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Geese go *shoop*

I like my job. I do. It's just that it tires me out, being responsible for people's lives all day and stuff like that, and around about 8:30 my brain shuts down and weird stuff starts coming out of my mouth.

I guess this happens at home too, but it's so normal here that I don't usually think about it. Would you think about it if you had a little sister that went around singing things like, "Give me sixteen days of happiness!" all the time? I didn't think so. Or, "Wouldn't it be weird if a cat turned itself inside out and you stuck your hand in its mouth and all you felt was fur?" I rest my case.

Anyway, my problem is that there's some kind of electrical short in my brain, and things just don't have as far to travel. They start in my brain, and instead of slowing down somewhere in between, they just go straight down and spurt right out of my mouth.

That's just how it works. 8:30 rolls around, *voop* goes the brain, and *shoop* come the words. It's worse when Sebastian's there (remember CokeToes?), because his brain does the same thing, except his words get all funky instead of coming out too fast. We're basically twins, by the way. You know, sometime SeaBass is going to find this blog and wonder why he's on it so much, and he'll think it's pretty weird, but it's really not. It's because we're twins, Sebastian! It's just a fact. I'm the older twin, by the way, so you have to do everything I say.

The other night SeaBass told me I was too home to go tired. Then he told me to stop laughing at him. Yeah right.

My point ("Ah, she has a point," you say) is that I did it again. I got tired, and weird, creepy stuff came out of my head (kind of like when I post late at night, which is always). The story, finally, is as follows:

Sebastian really wanted to get my shoes wet. I don't know why; he just thought it would be a good thing.

"Katie Beth, may I get your shoes wet?" asked Sebastian.
"No, Sebastian," said Katie Beth.
"Pleeeaaase may I get your shoes wet?" pleaded Sebastian.
"No, Sebastian," said Katie Beth.
"Why not?" asked Sebastian.
"Because I don't want them wet!" said Katie Beth
"But whyyyy?" said Sebastian.
"Because they're leather, and when they get wet they stain my feet!" said Katie Beth.
"Ha ha, and then you have orange stains on your feet," said Sebastian, giggling.
"Yes, exactly," said Katie Beth. "And while I realize that may be the closest to a tan that I'll ever get," said Katie Beth, "I don't want little flip-flop shaped tans on my feet."

And then I just kept going (Don't ask about the first/third person switches. It's how I roll.).

"They're shaped like little V's," continued Katie Beth. "Like little... migrating geese. And every time I take a step, the geese migrate a little further."

And Sebastian and I had our own little gigglefit on the pool deck.

Now I ask you, should it not have occurred to me somewhere in between the "flip-flop shaped tans" and the "migrating geese" to maybe stop talking? I mean, wouldn't a normal person maybe, possibly think, "Hey, I'd better shut up before I say something really stupid"? I'm not trying to say that having little flocks of migrating geese on my feet isn't awesome. It's just weird.

I think the Pioneer Woman has the same problem, judging by a recent post that I found, ironically, while thinking about the post I'm writing right now:

But I should warn you: Tracy Porter stuff is dangerous. I don’t even really let myself look because about a year ago I pricked both my index fingers and became blood sisters with myself. Then we promised each other we wouldn’t buy another piece of dinnerware until our youngest went to college.

So I don't feel so bad, really. I mean, I didn't feel bad... I amuse myself to no end. I just kinda figured I was too weird to even worry about. But it's ok now. I don't mind. It's not like I can stop it anyway.

I wonder what it would be like if I didn't always post late at night, when I'm more than usually exhausted? I suppose the world will never know.

Monday, June 15, 2009


Juliet has left to go to the Odells', which means that we have a whole load of quotables from her visit, plus the ones that I'd been saving up before. Enjoy!


VA: I wish I had a boyfriend so he could carry my stuff at the mall.

VA: You may think of anything I say as a whiteboard. Erase at will. PLEASE erase at will.

Patience: I... am going to the moon. And we all know how the moon ith.
VA: And how is the moon?
Patience: Good.

Robbie: Man, I wish we communicated in math problems. I would be so good at spelling.

Jill: I would really like that if it weren't small and ugly.

VA: Get some manpants!

VA: I like it when people spell "humor" with a u.

KB: Your pants match Natalie's.
Rebecca: Natalie had pants on?

Evan: Why are you wearing Underarmor?
Drew: Because it makes my muscles look big.
Evan: Not because you're cold?
Drew: Nope.
Evan: Nice.

Drew: He must be an acquired taste, cuz he's really hott when he's drinking water.

VA: Not only did the heathen smoke, he had a child. That's what happens when you smoke.

VA: Apparently when you become a mother you immediately learn to knit.
KB: I already know how to knit.
VA: Where's the child?!

KB: Did you kill anyone today?
VA: No one important.

KB: *after dinner* I still don't feel really... fulfilled.
VA: Ha ha! Fulfilled? Get it? Filled?
KB: Uh... yeah... filled.
VA: Wait. Forget everything I said. You know what I meant to say. I was going to tell you some interesting fact about... something smart.

Awesome commercial: Vitamin Water. Because it's much less embarrassing to shop at Big and Tall when you're just... tall.

Kyle: I am sad.
KB: My apologies.
Kyle: Mk.
KB: Yw.

Daddy: What?! Texting in the laundry room?! That's worse than changing in the laundry room!

Mommy: Ok William, let's go to bed.
William: *sits there with his truck*
Mommy: Come on William, it's time for your nap.
William: *still sits with his truck*
Anna: Oh, let me say goodnight to him, Mommy!
William: A no anight! *he and his truck speed down the hall*

Rebecca: OW!
KB: What did you do?!
Rebecca: She hit me.
KB: Virginia!
VA: I just miss those old days of... hitting you with my head.
KB: Injun!
VA: I was just reminiscing.

Patience: Would you rather have a tea party or be in a war?

Genise: You're like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The Aquatics Version!

KB: Heavens! A mongrel horde of chickens!

Daddy: I can't take you seriously in those purple shorts.

VA on the phone, while out shopping with Mommy: Hi, um... neither of us could figure out the texting thing... so I'm leaving you a message.

Maggie: *looking at a doll* And you can even tell he's a homeschooler!
KB: Um, what?
Maggie: Cuz he has a belt on and his shirt is tucked in. He even has shoes on!
KB: ...
Maggie: *thinks* Wait. Never mind about the shoes.

Derrick: my best pro is crastination, my worst con is centration

Completely out of the blue:
Derrick: you should write in your status "I'M MARRIED!!!!!"
Derrick: ..........just as soon as I die"
.......but I'm not............
KB: lol!
......or the groom arrives!"

Kyle: it may have something to do with my bed being so small
Kyle: it's too small for me
KB: lol, that's pretty sad
Kyle: yeah
Kyle: it's a twin
Kyle: I'm not a twin
KB: neither am I a twin but mine fits me ;-P
KB: well, basically
KB: my toes do protrude occasionally
Kyle: lies, you are a twin
Kyle: if your toes protrude
Kyle: what do yo think MY toes do
Kyle: they're like OMG LOL HELLO
KB: fall off
Kyle: waving to passer bys
Kyle: ya
KB: rofl
Kyle: they're lik omg hellooesssss
Kyle: and I can't do anything about it
Kyle: and my blankets are too small
Kyle: in winter
Kyle: I cry
Kyle: in a silent way

Harry: What's the key to?
KB: ...My soul.
Harry: Whoo! We better take that thing off and bury it a hundred feet underground!

About a random kid in the pool:
SeaBass: Why?! Why do you have that?!

Talking about search patterns in the lifeguard class:
Rose: The grid pattern is for when you have an irregular bottom.
Chich: Hee hee!

KB: *pushing William on the swing* William, are you having fun? Is that exciting?
William: Uh huh. Hoo hoo!

Dan: Oh no! I am stricken with a fit of drowning!

KB: *comes back outside with her coat on*
SeaBass: Oh, that is so cheating.
KB: Sebastian. It's very cold.
SeaBass: But Katie Beth, it's cheating!
KB: Sebastian, it's cold!
SeaBass: Do you have another one?

VA: In my dream last night my alarm clock was named Regret.

Drew: *watching a movie* Rough addiction? Does that say rough addiction?! Why's it rated PG for rough addiction?! That's so stupid! I've never even heard of rough addiction! What iS rough addiction?!
KB: That says rough action.
Drew: Oh.

Val: If you woke up on fire, assuming you had gone to bed not on fire, would you be more surprised that you were on fire, or in pain?

Val: You know, if we had enough caulk, we could probably put this building out to sea.

Driving by a pond:
Patience: Ith that the thea?

Kyle: Would you like a sitting utensil?

Kimberly: Do y'all have music tomorrow?
Julia: Yes.
Kimberly: Ha, ha, ha! A likely story.

Talking about how the Amish have beards down to their ankles:
Kyle: It's in case they have to change.

William: *walks in and goes right up to the poster of the Ten Commandments* *stares at the picture of "Thou Shalt Not Covet"* A dah a tuck. A dah a tuck!
KB: Yeah, a car and a truck!
William: I want dat.

Anna: I should become a scientist who discovers everything!

Maggie: *sees the neighbors having a bonfire* We should go invite us over.

KB: Be careful with that. It's the key to my soul.
Mr. Will: Where's the trash can?

Patience: I wish I had a thell phone tho I could tektht Mommy.
William: Ah tektht Mommy too!

An entire conversation:
Derrick: Everything you believed is a truth
Katie: what are we talking about?
Derrick: stumped
Katie: lol
Derrick: night
Katie: lol! goodnight :-P

Patience: If Makth eatth William'th life then Athe will thave William'th life.

Anna: I'm not showing off! I'm evil ALL the time!
Mommy: Can't argue with that!

Patience: *about me* Her name ith Mushroomth.
Juliet: Oh! Why?
Patience: Becauthe I don't like mushroomth.

KB: Anna, go outside!
Anna: Why?
KB: Cuz it feels awesome outside!
Anna: But I am awesome INSIDE.

Rebecca: I think my nose has gotten stronger from playing this song.

Maggie: Can I play with your mouth?
KB: You need to rephrase that.

KB: Heartheartheart!
Juliet: *typing* Heartheart... ahh, no! I can't believe I almost typed that!! Stop!

Clayton: but if you can make me fly for free, and it's in about a month and a half or two months, I'd love to.
Juliet/KB: I'll have to adopt you
Clayton: hmm...
akward, but plausible

Clayton: Well, my useless turkeys...

Clayton: "This incredible shameless attempt to get into KB's quotables has been brought to you by Clayton Sandham"

Clayton: Okay I don't comment on KB's blog...
I do on Juliet's, as long as they aren't tremendously touching and I don't know what to say...

But our minds are rather out of it right now ;)
We merged into one to make it more coherent.
Clayton: quite obviously.
and now I'm going insane... Thanks, Girls.

Right after we tell Clayton our minds have merged:
Juliet, on KB's lappy: Anytime, anytime.
At the same time:
KB: Anytime, anytime.

KB: The lightning bugs are out!
Juliet: Where?
KB: Over there. See the lights?
Juliet: Those weren't helicopters?

Juliet/KB: I KNOW!!
And laugh
Juliet/KB: dyyying KB: In her room? That sounds so awful.
Shannon: (It sounds like we're getting married)
Good grief
Juliet/KB: LOL!
We're laughing o'er here.
Shannon: LOL

Juliet/KB: We're useless turkeys
Shannon: I <3 turkeys
So glad one is coming to visit me soon
Juliet/KB: LOL!
Shannon: (What the heck?)
As I spew ridiculousness

Shannon: those ugly?
Juliet/KB: Waaaaiiiting for the browser
KB: I would not wear those...
Shannon: No DUH
Juliet/KB: In accord with her.
They look like... dutch slippers.
Shannon: LOL
Thank you
All my friends think they're ugly
My family, too
Juliet: I'm glad we provide ample entertainment
Does that mean you're buying them?
Just to spite all.
Juliet/KB: DEAD
We love you.
Shannon: :D
It wasn't out of spite, really
Juliet/KB: You amaze us.
Shannon: Although, that's certainly a sweet after taste

Phoebe: Dangit is a bad wowd and so is stupid.

Don't touch my fabs!
Hana: *pokes him in the side*
William: They're nice fabs.

Hana: Quick, Grace, what's Micah 6:8?
Perfectly silent moment as Grace tries to remember
Grace: He has shown you O man what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk mer--muh--
Hana: Humbly.
Grace: With thy God.
KB: I liked that moment of silence there. I was thinking, "That's probably the quietest this house has ever been!"
Grace: I was thinking, "I'd better speak faster before Katie Beth says something!"

Juliet: Katie Beth, I was sleeping underneath your bed because I love you.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Juliet is here!

I picked Juliet up from the airport this morning. I get her for almost a week, and it is SO good to see her. I've missed her terribly since I last saw her two years ago. We've got a lot of things planned for this week, including swimming (probably), seeing some old friends, watching Nacho Libre, and hanging out with the family.

And we're doing something tonight... what is it... I can't seem to remember....

Oh right! We're going to see No Doubt and Paramore! Oh yeeeaaaaah, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh yeeeaaaah. (I would link to that too, but Dane Cook's mouth ain't real clean. Still, I can't help adding "Mr. Kool-Aid Man" every time I say "oh yeah.") We've got lawn seats, so I'm bringing binoculars, but it should still be pretty awesome. Our crowd is me, Juliet, and Virginia, and word on the street is that Kelly and Candace have lawn seats too. Hopefully we'll get a lot of sweet pictures out of this concert. ;-)

Actually, we'll probably get some pretty sweet pictures from this visit in general. William is in love with Juliet, which always makes for a cuteness overload.

One more thing: Quotables coming soon!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day and Elsie Dinsmore

Yesterday I went to some other church's Memorial Day picnic, went strawberry picking, and went over to the Wills' house for a Memorial Day cookout with the Cool Group. Virginia tagged along somehow, but she played with the other midgets. Ok, just kidding. I knew she was in the car.

The strawberries are most excellent, by the way. I continue to eat them. You should come help, cuz we have about a million tons of the things.

Oh, and it's been raining almost constantly for two days straight.

Kyle grilled some super yummy hamburgers that did not need extra onions, no matter what Kelly says. It was funny watching him grill under an umbrella. Um, we didn't eat outside. It wasn't for lack of trying.

Kimberly and Kyle and Kerr and I tried to go muddin' in my Explorer but the place was permanently closed. Seriously? Who does that?

At one point Kyle said he wished he had a sitting utensil, presumably instead of the window sill he was perching on, and he asked me if I would like I sitting utensil, presumably instead of the tile floor I was perching on.

Verbally, I wondered at his language. Mentally, I oggled. Because I recently called a towel a "drying utensil."

There are times when I wonder if Kyle and I are actually the same person and we got into two different bodies by mistake. I mentioned this to the mother and she said I shouldn't think about that too much, as it was very weird.

I told Hana about that and she said people tell her that a lot, which obviously proves that Hana and I really are the same person. We've known that for years, though. I told her that even though we were the same person, we have two different wallets, which is very convenient.

She thought that was weird.

What did you do for Memorial Day?

In other news, Kimberly and I are Goin' Huntin' In the Pink Woods* tomorrow, and Kerr is going with us. Heh. Heh. Heh. Won't this be FUN.

*At Kohl's:
"Look at THESE! Who needs pink camouflage shorts?!"
"It's for when you're goin' huntin' in the pink woods!"
We start to talk about how we should go to the other mall and get cheap clothes.
Later on Facebook:
"Hey! When are we goin' huntin' in the pink woods?"

Oh, and Rebecca is reading the Elsie Dinsmore series, which she borrows one book at a time from Jeanna, the youngest Will midget. It's bringing back bad/hilarious memories.
Kerr: *gets in my car* EW! Katie Beth, what is THIS doing in your car???

If you never read those, you didn't miss much. Kimberly and I read all 28 of the pink things (or did we stop at 24? Not like four books is a huge difference; they all say the same thing), plus a few of the yellow books about one of Elsie's sort-of cousins whose name I've forgotten. We were so emotionally scarred that we created a magazine expressely dedicated to Elsie Dinsmore spoofs. They were genius.

You can find some of the stories here, on my old blog. I posted them for my readers' entertainment. You may have to dig. Or, if there is enough popular demand, I can post some here.

Or you could come over to my house and read the entire huge binder I have of them. Brilliance. Trust me.

It is time for me to go to bed. I have to get up early to go a-Huntin' (in the Pink Woods, in my pink camo shorts that neither Kimberly nor I condescended to buy), and I slept in this morning because I forgot I was working at nine. I barely got to work on time. All that to say, goodnight. I hope your dreams are sweet and Elsie-free. Trust me, they can only be one or the other. Not both.

EDIT: O. Henry wrote an Elsie spoof?! I knew I loved him.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Well (and more fish)

Many things have happened since I posted last.

I studied a lot.

I finished school. All A's again this semester, which won't make up for the two uncharacteristic B's that wrecked my perfect GPA last semester.

Came to the realization that I am, once again, a college sophomore. Am I ever getting out of here?

I got sick.

I got very sunburned.

I went in the outdoor pool, which was like ice (that's where I got sunburned).

I recertified at work.

A lady used the word "behoove" at a show last night.

In case you're wondering, I'm still sick and sunburned. I've been sick for a week and it won't go away. I skipped church this morning. I never skip church.

Oh. I also started taking fish oil.

Let me tell you about the fish oil. You already read this post, so you know that I'm sort of suspicious when it comes to fish. I'm suspish of fish. Fish suspish.

Uhh, yeah, anyway, my art teacher told me that if I took fish oil it might help the months-old rashes I've got on my elbows. I mentioned this to my mom in passing, and she shocked me by unveiling a jug of fish oil pills she had hidden away somewhere. I couldn't get out of it then, so I had to take the stuff.

Without delving too deeply into how my art teacher was right, that stuff is weird. If you smell the inside of the bottle you smell... fish. And as you may remember from the tuna post, I felt like I was eating an entire tuna when I had the albacore stuff. Well, with this stuff, I feel like I'm imbibing an entire fishing boat. Although I doubt fishing boats go down quite so quickly.

I've never eaten a real fishing boat. This is all just conjecture.

But they're big, man. I don't know how many fish they had to squeeze to get all that oil out, but I would not want to be the undertaker in charge of that job. Even if I liked fish. Even if I absolutely loved and adored fish, dead or alive, I would not want to be the undertaker heading up the burial of those sacrificed fish bodies.

The rash is better though. So that's cool.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


I just wanted to let all you poor neglected people know that I am still alive.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Really? I said that?

Sebastian stayed for Sarah last night, so we closed together. There were two people in the pool. Sometimes our water is a little happy and it fizzes if the wake is sloshy enough.

Sebastian: The water's fizzing! Do you see that?!
Me: He has Coke on his toes.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


I think I've made you wait long enough. ;-)


VA: Um. Casey Currin had on my pants.

Drew: I'll come and throw pineapple at you!
KB: Pineapple?!
Drew: Yeah, I dunno. It was the first thing I thought of!

KB: The Givens have a chow.
Maggie: Is that half chicken and half cow?

KB: Why are you kicking me with your disgusting shoe?
Genise: I'm not kicking you. I'm stepping on you.
KB: Oh. Well in that case, it's FINE.
Genise: See? It all depends on your perspective.

Kyle: I cooked philistine cheesteaks for luncheon
Kyle: and then for dinner
Kyle: daddy picked up wings instead of drumsticks
Kyle: so I made some wings
Kyle: and fried some asparagus (fresh) with butter and salt and lolmonds

Patience: Whoa, you brush your hair really often. Know how I can tell?
VA: How?
Patience: Cuth it'th really eathy to brush and you're not crying.

Nala: your aluminum knuckles foiled me

KB: Hey, is that parking space handicapped? I can't see it.
Drew: No, but if it were you could still park there! Ha ha ha ha!
KB: Yeah, cuz YOU'RE in the car!

KB: Rocks ahead, captain!
Drew: Actually they were icebergs. Technically it was a TARDIS.
KB: YOU'Re a tardis. You're a REtardis.
Drew: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Rose: Your FACE doesn't have internet!
KB: But your face DOES have internet, so how about you look it up?

Rose: Hole-in-one! I get a DumDum!
KB: What's a DumDum?
Genise: *points at Drew* Dum. *points at KB* Dum.
Note: It's a lollipop.

Rose: Yay! Another DumDum!
Genise: *points at Drew* One. *points at KB* Two.

Genise: Aww, you're so positive about people.

Chris: Every time you're here I do a lame workout.
KB: It's because you want to stay here and talk to me, that's why.
Chris: I know! You just have this aura around you that says, "Laziness!"

KB: Robbie, what were you going to say earlier before I interrupted you?
Robbie: My mind... is a long and winding road. It takes many twists and turns. ...I forgot.

VA: It smells like moonshine in here.

Nala: sooo
Katie: LOL
Nala: have you, like, seen, like, the new Jonas Brothers Movie? OH-EM-GEE!!!

After showing Shannon the above:
Katie: ;-D
apparently there is one
she was kidding ;-)
Shannon O: OH
I was about to go watch it ;-)

Patience: What'th that?
KB: It's a graphics tablet!
Patience: What'th a gravel thtatter?

Patience: I'm going to marry Michah!
VA: Ok, but make sure he's a hard-working man!
Patience: I'm pretty sure he'th a hard-working man, becauthe he hath a truck thippy cup.

VA: Hey, have you seen that lady?
KB: Uhhhh... that lady?
VA: Yeah! You know!
KB: Uh, no, I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about.
VA: You knooooooooow? The one who BIRTHED us?

Shannon O: See, knowledge comes naturally if you just wait long enough!
Barack Obama must still be waiting

VA: Home is where the internal organs are.

Kyle: hello
KB: oh hi, way to come around when I'm heading off to bed ;-P
Kyle: my bad
Kyle: I should check your schedule before IMing you

Genise: His pants are awkward.

Anna: We are playing Ghost in the Barnyard!
William: Whooo! Whooo!

KB's status message: I am so sunburned. It's not funny.
Virginia: I think it's funny
Katie: your face is funny
Virginia: ur mom AND ur mom's face iz funny
Katie: ur grandma's face is fun-e
Virginia: let's not take this too far...
Katie: too late
Virginia: lawl
Katie: ur face sez lawl
Virginia: ur banjo pikker lawls
Katie: ur gittar lawls
Virginia: ur fiddle jist wines
Katie: u wish u culd drnk wine
Virginia: I have more than u can cownt
Katie: gnrlly 1 dos nt cnt wine
Virginia: and gnrly u can't cownt numbrs eeether
Katie: I cnt #s
Virginia: u cant evin spel
Katie: ur rite thr
ur not brbng
i kan 2 spl
Virginia: Im only har in booty
i meen body

Anna, after meeting a ferret: I like that little piggy thing!

VA: Wouldn't it be weird if a cat turned itself inside out, and then you stuck your hand in its mouth and all you felt was fur?

VA: Why are there so many smart people in the Chemistry class?! There are only like three stupid people. [This person], [this person], [this person], and me.

Grace: Are you wearing your pants that--
KB: I'm wearin' my pants.
Jesse: I got my pants on. Just for the record.
After everyone can breathe again:
Hana: I don't think Grace expected that. I don't think Katie Beth expected that!

VA: Will you bring me a Clearasil pad?
KB: No! I will not bring you a Clearasil pad in bed!
VA: Why not?
KB: Because it's WRONG!
VA: *scratchy voice* No. What's wrong is a wireless company that charges hidden fees.

Patience: You're wearing THOTHE pantth to art clathth?! They're the motht hideouth pantth I've ever theen!
Anna: *quiet for a minute after Patience leaves* I hate these pants. They look silly.

Anna: What is breath cancer?
Jesse, as KB dies: I don't know. I've never heard of that kind of cancer.

Rebecca: Pretend I'm the piano player.
Patience: But you're a boy.

KB: *pokes lone shoe with foot* Do we know this shoe?
Stephen: Oh. That goes with my other leg.
KB: The one you didn't bring?
Stephen: It's detachable.

KB: *supposedly rotates SeaBass two minutes late*
Sebastian: You owe me two minutes, Katie Beth!
KB: Um, I'm sorry.
Sebastian: Two minutes!!
KB: I'm sorry! What are you gonna do about it?
Sebastian: *thinks hard* I'm going to have a party. And I'm not going to invite you!

Shannon Y: I am something else.

PowerPoint: Remember, it takes 43 muscles to frown but only 17 to smile!
Stephen: I'm strong.

Jordan: That's because you have more testosterone than most males. Deny it. Deny it!
KB: Uuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................
Jordan: You can't deny it!
KB: .........I went shopping yesterday!
Jordan: ...............So did I.
KB and Jordan: *uncomfortable silence*

Patience: Thith... ith the thong of death.
KB: The song of death?
Jesse: Sock. The sock of death.
KB: The sock of death??

Chich: My man-crush would be myself.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

This family has problems

Communication is a sticking point around here. Instead of telling each other stuff we prefer to think that because we know it, everyone else must have read our minds and therefore knows it too. It causes some arguments. However, I am happy to inform you that not only am I not the only one in the family with communication issues (contrary to what you might think if you listened to some of the one-sided stories around here), it's not just our family who likes to keep to themselves.

So that you know who I'm talking about, our cast of characters is as following:

Me: Your friendly redheaded lifeguardblogger. And don't even tell me that's not a word.
Aly: A friend of mine that I knew before lifeguarding. She is now a lifeguard as well and we work together every Monday.
Aaron: Aly's boyfriend, who is in my math class. He realized who I was at almost the exact same minute I realized who he was. We know it was at the same time because we both told Aly on Facebook.
Blair: The girl who used to sit next to me in class but now makes the pilgrimage to the other side to sit with whatshername.
Sur: The Burmese girl who sits somewhere in between me and Aaron.
Virginia: My sister. She's silly.
Jesse: My brother. He plays banjo.
Tyler: A friend of VA and my other brother, Jesse. He lives in Tennessee and we see him once a year at RenoFest. They email.

So that's who we're dealing with. Now as you may or may not know (I use that phrase a lot. Y'all have very ambiguous knowledge.), my family went to RenoFest for the weekend. We left early Friday morning, so I skipped school. Being an overachiever, I was naturally worried about who I was going to get notes from when I got home.

Since Blair no longer sits by me, I wasn't about to yell across the room to ask her for notes. It just wouldn't do. I couldn't ask some other people (nameless) because they don't know what they're doing and their notes would be of questionable validity. I couldn't ask some other people (nameless) because they think they know everything and probably write specific problems rather than actual notes.

So I elected to ask Aaron for notes. The kid is apparently a genius and got a higher grade than me on the last test. I figured he was a safe bet. He obviously knows what he's doing.

The problems with this scheme are 1). I pretty much don't say anything in class, 2). Aaron pretty much doesn't say anything in class, 3). We've definitely don't say things to each other in class, 4). We haven't even talked any other time, and 5). He sits about six seats away from me, which is obviously much too far to yell.

But I really needed notes.

Please note that while Aaron and I have never actually spoken face-to-face, we have a lot of three-way conversations through Aly. She tells me his grades and we talk about the test. I assume she tells him my grades and they talk about the test. You get the idea. We don't actually talk to each other, but we know what's happenin'.

I finally texted Aly when I got to class on Wednesday morning. "Do you know if Aaron will be in class on Friday?" I asked. Aaron wasn't there yet so naturally I couldn't ask him. It was a great excuse. Aly didn't text me back and I was left biting my fingernails (not really). She told me later that she tried but her phone was wicked. My words, not hers. Aly's very sweet and non-antagonistic. Usually.

When Aaron walked into class I didn't need to ask him, because I had just texted Aly. Right? Right.

Are you getting the extent of our communication issues here? Just wait. It gets better.

Finally I sent Aaron a Facebook message asking if I could borrow his notes when I got back. I even friended him, to show that I was really sincere. Or something like that, anyway. He didn't reply, but I figured that got the message across so I didn't worry about it.

Right about now you should be getting an inkling that I am not the only uncommunicative person in this little non-exchange.

We had a fun weekend and returned safe and sound. I honestly forgot that I even needed notes until right before I got to school, but I wasn't worried. When Aaron walked in, I thought, "Eeeehhhhh, um, I'll ask him after class. Cough."

Imagine my surprise and delight--and inner giggles--when Sur leaned over to me in the first few minutes of class and handed me a piece of paper.

"What's this?" I whispered.
"It's from him," she whispered back.

I peeked past her, and there was Aaron writing in his notebook like he hadn't moved at all. I had gotten my notes and not a word did we say.

"Oh! Thanks!" I said to Sur.

Later I got the nerve up to say, "Hey Aaron, I'll copy these tonight and bring 'em back tomorrow, is that ok?" To which Aaron replied, "Yeah, sure." He probably thought I sounded very angry and intense, but I was just in a hurry and intense. Really. Oh, and completely unused to actually speaking to people at school. Creepy.

When I gave his notes back, I even said, "Here's your notes Aaron, thanks," and he even said, "Oh, thanks."

I was going to tell him that Aly told me we should be friends, but I think five words were quite enough for one day.

I think our relationship is looking very steeply uphill. Oh yes.

In other words, we'll probably never say anything to each other again, at least at school. We're so weird. I know. You don't have to tell me.

You think I'm finished but I'm not. Cuz I'm not the only one with this little problem.

My sister Virginia also has this problem.

To understand this, you have to realize that she and Jesse have been emailing back and forth with Tyler for a year now, ever since last RenoFest. I get the impression that Virginia is quite vocal and even leaves Tyler at a loss for words sometimes, since apparently he'll wait for a very long time to reply to some particularly unusual thing she's said. My sister has a way with words.

She said about five of those words to Tyler at RenoFest. Apparently she said "hi" to him once, and then as we were leaving, literally driving away, she ran up with Jesse to get his banjo, but instead of going with Jesse, she talked to Tyler. She told me later that she said, "Uh, we're leaving. Sorry all I said was, 'Where's Jesse.'" And then she gave him a hug and left.

Can you say awkward?

The problem is not that we're shy. We're not. We just don't have anything to say. We weren't raised to speak constant nonsense to fill the space. That's an acquired skill, and we've definitely acquired it, but only at home and with close friends. If we have nothing to say, we're fine with not trying to say anything.

Unless we're typing. Then we talk way too much. You can tell, can't you?

I knew it.