Sunday, December 15, 2013

A Holiday Tale

Greetings! So my seester has been getting all famous and stuff lately because she has, like, deep thoughts to convey to the world or something. Like ten whole people read all her posts and I obviously can't have her being a more successful blogger than me, no matter how little effort I put into it. However, since the deepest thing I have going for me right now is some pretty intense hunger, I'm just going to tell you a story. It's a story about food, so if I get too hungry while writing it down I may have to take a snack break.

This is a story with a real-life application, so make sure you don't skip that part.


Many moons ago, on a bitterly cold November day, a family made the long trek through faraway lands to their grandmother's house for the annual feast day. It was an arduous journey, fraught with peril. Few ever made it through alive, and...

Fine, fine. It was my family and it was two weeks ago for Thanksgiving and it was only like a two-hour drive. I just wanted to make it more dramatic. To be honest I wasn't even there because my brother and I drove separate from Charlotte, so I really couldn't tell you how arduous the journey was. But it was definitely bitterly cold, let me tell you. Jesse and I ran a 5k that morning and I almost froze to death. Teeth chattering all over town, man. Shouldn't be allowed.

Anyway we all gathered in the big city of Florence, SC for Thanksgiving, which is always great because food, and also family. I'll let you decide which is more important. Wink nudge.

However, since there are eleven of us counting my grandmother, the abundance of food didn't stay abundant for too long, and we had to start on the reserve supplies, like a foraging army. Fortunately my grandmother has known us for a few years now, and understands that we regard the noms with something approaching reverence and all-consuming fire.

"If you guys are hungry I have a ham you can use for sandwiches," spake my grandmother.

Some other sundry comments were exchanged, and she and Maggie, apparently the only ones not too enthralled by Andy Griffith to tear themselves away, made their way into the kitchen and ate ham sandwiches without event.

Some time later, also becoming ravenous, I also made my way to the kitchen. There's not really a midpoint for me. I'm either not hungry or absolutely about to die. The hunger pangs just strike without warning and I'm left stumbling and blind with nothing to sustain me unless I make it to the kitchen in a very strict five minutes time to bury my face in the fridge. It's pretty intense. First-world hunger is no joke! But back to our story.

The point at hand is that when I walked into the kitchen, I observed Rebecca eyeing the ham warily. The expression on her face spoke volumes of a new and utter distrust of humanity, but especially of ham.

I will now rewind to the part of the story where we first learned of the ham. I'm trying to work on this building suspense thing; is it working? You can tell me later. Keep reading, don't interrupt; it's rude.

"If you guys are hungry I have a ham you can use for sandwiches," spake Marnie (you may remember).

"Is it cooked?" spake my mother.

"Oh yeah, definitely," spake Marnie.

Thus the sandwiches, as you may also remember.

But then I saw Rebecca's expression, and I too became wary.

"I don't think this is cooked," spake Rebecca.

"It has to be," spake I, though I doubted.

"Look," spake Rebecca. "It says 'Ready to Cook' and 'Cooking Instructions'. And it looks...................."

"Oh.................. ohhhh......" spake I. "I am not eating that."

"Me neither," spake Rebecca.

As you may have guessed, despite all the suspense I built just now, the ham was not, in fact, cooked. We rectified the situation pronto, but the fact remained that Marnie and Maggie had eaten raw ham sandwiches and not thought anything of it. Maggie, indeed, assured us that her sandwich was "Oh, fine."

The practical application here is different than you may have expected, if you expected me to tell you to always make sure to cook your ham. I assume you knew that already. Rather, the practical application with which I would like to end is this: don't trust the two flightiest people you know when they tell you information that could mean life or death or at least some really uncomfortable food poisoning.

But just in case you didn't know... please cook the ham.

Thursday, September 19, 2013


Daddy: You don’t wanna play baseball anymore?
William: No. I’m already pretty good.

KB: She has great legs. I want them.
Nick: Tan, fit, shine in the sunlight?

VA: So I am like totes an introvert.

Talking about the location of Westminster, TN:
KB: Well I don’t know where that is. But I’m going to eat a Cadbury egg now. You would do well to follow my example.
Rebecca: I’m eating ice cream. I forge my own path.

I hear a roaring behind me
KB: Is that necessary on any planet?
Patience: Look!
KB: Yes. It’s a pig.
Patience: It’th an attack pig.

Anna: Look what happened from me punching the pig. *shows me a cut*
KB: ...Why?
Anna: Why was I punching the pig?
KB: Well, why were you punching the pig... and how did that happen from punching a stuffed pig?
Anna: Well, I accidentally punched the bed.

From the girl 99% of whose friends are from other states:
Rebecca: How did you get to know someone in West Virginia?!

KB: My mom would have a cow. She would probably have seven cows.
Jordan: Haha.
KB: Of course, some might argue that she already has seven cows, and one lissome gazelle. Guess which one I am!

We’re all getting ready for a wedding, and William (who’s the ringbearer) runs in wearing nothing but Batman tighty whities:
William: Mommy, what am I supposed to wear? Other than this?

VA: Are you aware that you walk like a man?

Anna: I asked Daddy today when I could start driving the car. He didn’t say anything, so he must be hiding something.
KB: Yeah... that must be what that means.
Anna: He also said, “You live in a fantasy world,” which must be code.

VA, to her computer: Connect! Lest I smite you.

KB: But, face! Heheh. Get it? Buttface?
Patience: That’th like the firtht time I’ve heard you thay a lame joke.

I get a bad sunburn
KB: Did you see my awesome back?
Maggie: I did... how could I not?

Grace: You know, people look so burnt when you’re leaving the beach and you’re hungry.

Cason: If we were ever stranded on a desert island, I would kill Katie Beth first, because she’s the most strong-willed person besides me, and she would be my biggest competition.

Mommy: I got a free sample of these new vitamins, and if y’all want to try them with me and take some, you could look like this!
She holds up a picture of two old people walking on the beach.

Maggie: Mommy’s been using a lot of fancy words lately.
KB: She’s always used “facetious.” What other ones has she used?
Maggie: Umm... she said one in the car, but it was too fancy to remember.

KB: Do you give me a small plate in an effort to trick me into eating less?
Mommy: No, but that’s a good idea! It might work!

Anna: What is that?
Laura: It’s like... a carrot muffin... it’s got like super shards of carrot in it.

Alex: I talked to my car today, and it told me it just wanted to be friends because it’s got a lot going on in life right now...
KB: I’m sorry you had to have that conversation.
Alex: Eh, no hard feelings, but it’s only getting regular gas from now on. :-D

Patience walks by with a pitcher of water:
Daddy: Wait, where are you going with that?
Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!
Daddy: What?
Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!
Daddy: Filling up the puddle?
Patience: We’re thaving the tadpoleth!!

KB: Guys, guys, stop that and come over here. I have a question. Why would you put that on your child?!
Jon and Joe: What is that??
KB: It’s a purple fuzzy diaper!
Joe: It’s soft!
KB: But babies’ butts are already soft!
Jon: But they’re not purple!
Joe: I would use it to do this: *mimes rubbing a purple fuzzy diapered baby butt on his face*
Jon: Until I have a baby with a purple fuzzy butt, I will be using that!

VA: I’m gonna have Ryan Gosling comment on it. *she types some things* *her phone buzzes* Ohh Ryan!!

VA: Man, sometimes I really do look Asian.

Dylan: Whatcha doin tonight KB?
KB: Babysitting.
Dylan: DO WE HAVE A KID???

Alex: Yeah, I remember the day I realized I was perfect....

VA: Sometimes I like a picture just to make the number of likes even. And sometimes I don’t like a picture to keep the number the same.

KB: We need a Chipotle near here.
Mike: I would kill for a Chipotle.
KB: We can build one.
Mike: You wanna go into business?
KB: Sure.
Mike: Katie Beth, I would NEVER go into the restaurant business with you. With as much as you eat, we would never make any money. “Hey Katie Beth, how’d we do this month?” “Ohh, pretty good!” “It shows we were really busy, why didn’t we make much money?” “Oh, well, you know, I was pretty hungry...” You would be the LAST person I would own a restaurant with.

Daddy: William and I were at McDonald’s earlier, bonding, havin’ guy time, and a black girl came in wearing Elmo lounge pants. And then I realized... I have those pants.

VA: I love my scrawny little legs. They are an inspiration.

VA: The Starbucks here has these amazing looking brownies. If I had no shame I would get one.

In response to seeing a picture of my dinner of beer, nachos, and a nectarine:
David: Well you have all your colors...

KB: Arnold Schwarzenegger or however you spell it used to drink beer right after his workouts for the raw calories. Take note.
Joe: When I got your text yesterday I thought, “I am going to marry this woman.”

Becca burns herself on the oven:
Becca: OH MY GOSH IT’S BLISTERING!! I’m just kidding, it’s not, BUT LOOK AT IT ANYWAY!!!

Alex says people who wear sunscreen are killing the coral:
KB: Becca says she thinks I shouldn’t save the coral because she appreciates my existence.
Alex: So do I, but if I had to choose between you and coral not going extinct…
KB: Lol!! Jerk!!
Alex: What?! You think I would be less of a jerk if I was like “I’d destroy entire ecosystems for you!”

Drew: So my church is having an open panel about alcohol….

KB: Just saw a car advertising “Unifour Fire and Safety.” They sell fire AND safety!
Alex: Keeping themselves in businesses since 1976

KB: Can I go outside and play?
Mike: If so, I’m gonna need to go with you. You’ll need a chaperone for that one.

VA: I wish someone would tell the black girl walking to class that her hair accessory makes her look like a slave.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Some wisdom for you squirts

Three weeks ago, I tearfully packed up most of my belongings, kissed my family goodbye, and moved out of my parents' house. For as emotional as I was, you'd think I was moving across the country instead of an easy 25 minutes away.

While I do still miss being at home and hearing only crickets instead of crickets and traffic outside my window at night, in general I'm having a ball with my own house, my own roommates, and getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep every morning, even if it doesn't mean I go to bed any earlier.

Since I've been on my own for such a very long time now (21 whole days!), I thought I would share a few of the MANY bits of wisdom I have amassed in the first three weeks of living in the huge, enormous, sophisticated, so-far-from-home metropolis of Wake Forest.

Those of you who know Wake Forest will get that joke. The rest of you are out of luck.

Okay time for wisdom! Listen up, you may need this someday.


When you live on your own, no one cares if you eat the applesauce right out of the jar. Without a spoon. But I would, of course, never do that.


When your mommy isn't there to cook for you anymore, you suddenly develop the ability and desire to cook.


While you may find yourself suddenly able to cook, the same does not necessarily go for the complex and frightening skill of grocery shopping. And when you're bad at grocery shopping, you suddenly realize, "I'm STARVING. I will eat ANYTHING."


Free food becomes 155% more compelling than it already was.


Your life revolves around food. You would be a terrible refugee.


You begin seriously to wonder about the sanity of the rest of the world. "They gave THAT GEM to GOODWILL?"


"I've been wearing this shirt for three days. It might be dirty."...................."But then I'll have to do laundry."..............."Day four it is!"


It is actually possible to be about to hang a picture and encounter an existential crisis so severe that you give up and leave the walls entirely blank, save for one lonely clock.


Packing boxes make great furniture.




You constantly think about but somehow manage to survive without things that most people would consider everyday necessities (...lightbulbs?) while simultanously - and continuously -  forgetting things you legitimately can't go without (lunch...).


When you get along with your roommates, none of you will get anything done.


When you have a house, you become instantly more popular.


Yeah, you totally still don't clean.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Gift of Being Single

I’m turning 25 this week. I always thought that by this point in my life I’d be married with two kids. Of course now that I’m here I can’t imagine being that way, but growing up, I was sure I’d at least be married by 25.

My friends are getting married, having kids, and moving to different states, or in some cases, different countries. Instead of doing any of that I’m still (perpetually) in school, working multiple jobs, and getting ready, Lord willing, to move out of my parents’ house. And I’m ok with that. But a lot of girls aren’t.

Recently I’ve heard more and more girls say, in tones of the deepest, saddest resignation, that they think they might have the gift of being single. And these aren’t even middle-aged women. These are girls in their early twenties, sometimes even late teens. This seems to be a pervasive idea in Christian culture, the idea that a woman’s life is not complete until she’s married. So I’d like to speak to that so-called “gift of singleness.” Because I think we’re doing it wrong.

The Gift of Singleness

What is the meaning of the word “gift”? A quick Google search yields the phrase, "A thing given willingly to someone without payment." Ask almost any child about their favorite thing about birthdays, and they'll get most excited about the gifts. We know from the youngest age that we like gifts.

So why do I hear “the gift of singleness” spoken with such despair?

I would suggest that it’s because, as women, we don’t see this stage as the gift that we pretend to think it is. And why not?

As prosperous American women, and especially those of us in Christian families, we are raised with the expectation of marriage. That’s our goal. To walk down the aisle in a white dress toward the perfect man is every little girl’s dream. We’re supposed to do well in school, to work hard, but ultimately, we should be ready to forgo that college education to get married and take care of our families. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. But it’s not right for all of us. But far too often, the fact of the matter is that that is our assumed outcome, and when it doesn’t happen, we are disappointed.

We tend to think of singleness as something that we should be ashamed of and work to get rid of. But the fact is, God put us here on purpose, and that means that whatever stage we’re in, if we’re walking with Him, can’t be bad. What else should this tell us?

It should tell us that our singleness, truly and unashamedly, is a gift. Something good that we have been given. It is just another stage in our life in which we are to glorify God. Do you think God is glorified when we despair of the place in which He has intentionally put us?

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17)

Paul, when speaking of marriage, said, "For I wish that all men were [single] even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God one in this manner and another in that." (1 Cor 7:7)

Paul saw his singleness as a gift, because it allowed him to work more effectively for the spreading of the Gospel.

The Gift of Being Single Right Now

If you’re single, then yes, you do have the gift of singleness! For now. God may give you the gift of marriage later down the road, but for now, He has given you the gift of singleness, and He expects you to take that gift and use it to His glory, until He sees fit to replace it with something else.

I think many women tend to live under the shadow of their future marriage, like they can’t really get on with their lives until they have that out of the way. Ladies, I’ve got news for you. God doesn’t need you to sit still to get His work done.

I won’t deny that I want to be married. Marriage is a good thing, instituted by God. But that does not mean that singleness is a bad thing, as we saw from Paul in 1 Corinthians. God uses singles to accomplish His will. We should not feel like the outcasts at school, work, church. Because no matter how other people see us, God does not see us as outcasts. He sees us as His beloved children.

A side note to those of you who are married, especially those of you in the church: don’t treat singles like the outcasts. You do have things in common. Your adoption into the family of God should be commonality enough for anyone. Treat singles like they friends they should be, not like people just waiting for the next stage of their lives to come around.

I love being single. I get to do so many things that I wouldn’t otherwise. Do I have mopey days? Sure. Do I feel like my friends are moving on without me? Yeah, sometimes. Would I change it right now if I got the chance? Well, yeah. But at the same time, this season of life is a good one, and I don’t think I’ll look back on it with a sense of relief if it ends, only a sense of gratitude for having gotten to live it.

So singles, go out there and live your lives. Don’t sit around and wait for the next big thing. This IS the big thing, right now. This is where God has put you, to do great things, whatever they are. Don’t ever belittle that.

And if you want to be married, like most of us still do, then pray. Pray that God will bring a Godly husband for you, just as He prepares you to be a Godly wife to that man. But don’t ever let that stop you from getting out there and glorifying Him now.

Remember that marriage is hard. It’s a lot harder than most single people think. I guarantee you it’s harder than I think, because I haven’t tried it and I don’t know. But I do know that my best friend, Hana, for whom I am unendingly grateful and who is deeply in love with her husband of almost a year, told me, “Katie Beth, if I had wanted my life to be easy I would never have gotten married.” It’s even hard for the most euphoric couple I know. So savor this time of singleness. It is a good thing.

Remember, too, that your calling now will not necessarily be the same in five years. Change is part of sanctification. If it weren’t, none of us could hope to ever be with Christ in heaven, because we would never have been pulled out of our sin.

Wherever you are in life, that is where God has you right then, at that moment. That status may change, or it may not. But whatever it is, it’s now that you have to worry about. We worship a glorious and merciful God. He is (probably) not punishing you with singleness for something you did in the past. He has you here for your good. Rejoice in that!

A Higher Calling

I'd like to end with a reminder in the form of a question: What is our highest calling?

The Westminster Shorter Catechism answers this in Question 1, which reads, “What is the chief end of man?” The answer? Take a guess.

“Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.”

If you don’t believe me, Paul says this in Philippians: "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!" (Phil 4:4) That's a command, and such an emphatic command that Paul felt the need to repeat himself. And this from the man who was single!

If we think that marriage is a higher calling than rejoicing in the Lord, we have sadly deluded ourselves. If we are idolizing marriage in that way, then if we are ever blessed with the gift of marriage, it will not go well. God must always come first, no ifs, ands, or buts.

So go fulfill your calling, without worrying about all that sideline stuff, like whether you’ll get married and who it will be. God has given each of us the overarching calling. Don’t worry about the rest. Leave it up to God and He will reward your obedience.

"He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?"
Micah 6:8