Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I won't tell you what I really call him

Well, we just watched Obama's speech. I don't usually write on a political bent here because it's not my style, but I had a few things about the speech I wanted to say. I know there are way more important things he talked about (the budget, the military, healthcare, etc.), but the (roughly) three things I'm going to mention are what jumped out at me. They're probably not in order either.

First of all, Obama says he doesn't want to be dependent on foreign countries for things like car batteries. He says we have new plug-in smart cars rolling off the lines, running on batteries from Korea. Then later he says that we need to be sending more stuff overseas. So he doesn't want to buy from them, but he wants them to buy from us? Isn't trade supposed to be a reciprocal thing? I buy from you, you buy from me? I'm all for using our resources here at home, don't get me wrong. I just think he's seriously understimating the advantage, and especially the necessity, of trade with foreign countries.

Secondly--and this is what really gets me, as a student--Obama says he wants to create jobs. That's a no brainer. But then, talking about education and the high cost of tuition, he was talking about how we all need to make sacrifices and volunteer our time to help out. He says if you will volunteer your time to help out somehow, the government will help you pay for school. He's not encouraging anyone to work. All he's asking is for everyone to spend a few hours so we can get free (or cheap) education. So much for all those jobs he wants to create. If he really wanted to encourage people to work and help them out with tuition, he would say something like, "Make this much and the government will supplement this much." I'm not even sure I would agree to that, but it would at least be better than giving out money for volunteer work. He also mentioned, almost in passing, that welfare would continue/increase. Not really a huge help, in my opinion.

Finally, Obama says that anyone who makes under $250,000 will get a tax cut, and that "big businesses" that ship jobs overseas will no longer get tax breaks (effectively leaving them with a tax increase). That's just going to make it that much easier for those big businesses to go under, creating that many more unemployed people. It also takes away incentive to work hard and make more than $250,000 a year.

He also said some things that really make me want to ask, "Who are you to tell us what we need? It's our money and our hard work. Give it back and let us work with it."

I'm glad I didn't vote for him.

(P.S. Feel free to contradict me, question me, or otherwise disagree with me. I'm open. :-) )

Sunday, February 22, 2009

How to Tuna Fish

This post actually has nothing to do with tuning a fish. But I really wanted to use the phrase "Tuna Fish." Take what you can get, right?

I do, however, really have questions about this Albacore Tuna stuff that my mom's been buying. I always thought tuna was supposed to be sort of a dull greyish pink and shreddy and suspicious-like. I thought everyone doubted whether the stuff in the can was actually fish.

Then the parent (parentess?) came home with this Albacore stuff, and I'm having some serious misgivings about the way I was raised. At least regarding tuna.

Wait, no, I have misgivings about the rest of it too. Ignore the previous.

So she brings home this pink stuff in a can, and first off, it's pink. Like real fish. That's a major tipoff right there. Second, it isn't all shreddy. It's like... round... and it has pieces. Like, you know, fish pieces. I mean, the round part is obvious. It's in a can. But the pieces in the round can are what I'm really driving at here. Fish pieces.

I am disconcerted.

Then I mash it up in the bowl with mayonnaise and relish, and it has texture. What? Textured tuna? The world must be coming to an end. I thought tuna was supposed to be grey, flat, and all one consistency.

It sort of makes me feel like I'm putting a whole tuna on my sandwich. It's weird.

I mentioned this to my mom, and she asked me if I meant a whole tuna. "Tuna fish are huge," she said.

Yeah, thanks Mom, I had no idea.

C'mon! I was home schooled! I know how big tuna fish are!

Being home schooled is a good excuse for anything.

Ironically, I learned how big tuna fish are from The Magic School Bus, where the fish were roughly as big as the bus. That was a great show and I'm not ashamed.

Anyway, my point is that when I said I felt like I was putting a whole tuna on my sandwich, I meant it. That's why I said it. Albacore tuna is big. And I think it might be real fish.

That's all I'm really drivin' at. Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Gang Boss 101

Because I have such strong ties to all of the gangs in New York City (the means of which I shall not disclose), I am now authorized to bring you this intriguing information regarding a normal day in the life of the typical New York City gang boss or, as the case may be, one of his subordinates.

The gang boss (or subordinate) goes grocery shopping. While in Food Lion (probably Food Lion, because he has to keep up appearances, and "Kroger" just doesn't have that King of the Jungle feel). While buying essential items like flank steak, Pop Tarts, and grey poupon (nothing but the best for our distinguished gang boss), he also purchases a roll or two of aluminum foil. Having come upon a wad of said foil on a previous visit to the food emporium, he is well aware of its practical and economical benefits.

Our gang boss (or subordinate) deposits his recent purchases at his Bronx apartment on his way to the first gang war of the evening. At the same time he carefully arranges his hair (if he has not opted to shave his head so as to facilitate easier viewing of his scalp tattoos) in a messy and threatening manner. He knows that first impressions are important. He puts on his best ripped and graffiti'd jeans, makes sure the boxers are properly sown in, and hooks his suspenders onto the boxers, which rise a good foot or two above the waist of his denim trousers. He then puts his baggiest black shirt with the most questionable motif over the suspenders, and steps into his pristine white graffiti'd shoes, which he glues onto his feet so that as he chases down rival thugs, his untied shoes will not hinder his movement. He puts his biggest diamond earrings in his ears and his heaviest gold bling around his neck. He carefully ties his bandana around his head, and covers it with a hat, which still has the sticker on the flat brim. He places his trusty .45 somewhere in his getup, where he can retrieve it, impressively, at a moment's notice.

Lastly, he takes out two big sheets of aluminum foil and wads them around his fists, creating aluminum knuckles. Since our gang boss is not very monetarily advantaged, this is his alternative to brass knuckles. Cheap, but still flashy.

He then slouches carefully down the sidewalk, on his way to the first gang war of the evening.

After performing admirably in the gang wars, our gang boss (or subordinate, as we are about to find out) hies himself back to his apartment. He peels off his aluminum knuckles, flattens them out, and places the shining sheet over his marvelous gourmet dinner while it cooks. He sits down to watch a romantic comedy while he savors his meal. He cries during the movie.

You may be wondering at his choice of food. One essential thing to realize about gang bosses (or subordinates) is that at heart, they are all sensitive souls with a taste for caviar and cordon bleu. They are also very good cooks. Gang bosses (and subordinates) are insecure. They need to be loved. And so they cook themselves gourmet meals and watch romantic comedies. However, it is also essential to know that none of the other gang bosses (or subordinates) know this about each other. If they knew, they would all get together and have a cookout every weekend, but they don't, so they have gang wars instead.

But I digress.

This is where we transition from gang boss to subordinate, because no one calls the gang boss. He is the one doing the calling, and it would be boring to listen to him call every member of his gang and tell them the same thing. So we will now focus on the subordinate, the lowly gang member. Perhaps he isn't even that lowly. Perhaps he truly is second-in-command. Perhaps he has more bling than anyone, save the bossman. It makes no difference. They are all at home watching romantic comedies.

About halfway through the movie, the subordinate's phone rings. He quickly grabs a Kleenex and dries his tears and wipes his sniffly nose. He lowers his voice a bit. "Yeah," he says gruffly into the telephone. He listens a bit, trying bravely not to sniff. The movie is an emotional one. "Tenth and Main," he says snappily. "Got it." He then looks at his TV. "Uh, can you gimme... 47 minutes? Yeah. We'll jump that clique. They won't know what hit 'em. Yeah. Sorry boss. Sorry. I know. You're the boss. Sorry." He hangs up, because the gang boss hung up on him first, probably because he, too, wanted to finish his own romantic comedy.

Our subordinate finishes his movie. He then peels the aluminum foil off his dishes, wraps it around his fists, and heads out the door.

Newly fortified with a romantic comedy and chicken cordon bleu, all of the gangs fight bravely. There is no decided outcome, but each gang is convinced that it is the winner.

Sometimes the gang members would like some barbecue, but they can't tell anyone. Besides, they like cordon bleu too.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Free Gmail Stickers - Yes, Really

I knew I loved Google and all things associated with it (well, mostly), but this might just take the cake. Gmail stickers? Seriously?

Yep. Seriously.

Go here and get 'em. Gotta go before February 14th!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Aaaaaaaaand kickoff!

Superbowl XLIII. Go Cardinals!


Edit 2: All I can say is that stupid interception killed us. We would have won.

Weep weep. Gnash gnash.

Now I can't wait for next year.

(I freely admit I was pulling for the Cards because they were the underdogs. Now I know why.)