Friday, September 25, 2009

One person can only handle so much - Part 1

Virginia has a recipe book, which I foolishly recommended to her one fateful day while browsing the B&N sale page. I don't know why I did it. I know she loves to make desserts. I know these desserts are bad for us. I know she takes it over the top. And yet I said, "Hey, there's this dessert book on sale. Do you want me to order it?" And she said, "Sure!"

So I did. She makes something out of it about three times a week, and spends the rest of the week drooling over it.

I admit that someone else who happens to have red hair spends a lot of time drooling over a particular Black Forest Cake on p. 312 (mm, cherry brandy). But that's beside the point.

Really, I don't have a huge problem with the contents of the book. I mean, if Virginia wants to indulge her overpowering passion for sweets, I guess she can have at it. I just don't eat too much of it because I don't need that much sugar.

I do, however, have a problem with the cover.


This is what offends my most delicate sensibilities. What IS this? Why is there a piece of cake on top of this piece of cake?

I read this book for weeks with a niggling feeling that something was terribly wrong. When I finally noticed what it was, I was horrified. I gaped in wonder. I asked myself why someone would think that was a good way to photograph food. I still ask myself that.

No one eats this way. This rankles. This rankles deeply.

For a while I thought I was the only one who felt this way, so I kept quiet (Uncharacteristic of me, you say. Yes, I know.). I kept quiet until one day... one day when I was at the end of my rope, when I was about to let forth all the strength of my indignation... when Virginia said, "You know, this picture drives me crazy. It's bugged me ever since I got it. WHY is there cake on the cake?!"

It was such a relief. We let forth our indignation together, and the strength of it was as of the ocean in its anger, if the ocean did get angry about things like cookbooks and bad photos.

Put a cherry on top, or something. Anything. Drizzle some chocolate syrup over it. Slice a strawberry and stick it up there. Anything but cake. Cake is not a garnish for cake. Cake is not a garnish for anything. The person is not right who thinks his cake is incomplete without more cake on top. And the person who photographs it for the cover of a book is even less okay.

I thought I would never see the thing that surpassed this monstrosity, but I was mistaken. Yes, as horrible and mind-blowing as cake-topped-cake as a cover for a cookbook, there is something even worse.

Readers, brace yourselves, for what comes next is so mind-blowing, so utterly disgusting, so blatantly against all that is good advertising, that you may not believe your eyes.

(To be continued...)

Friday, September 11, 2009


Kyle: What if it was your destiny to flip burgers @ mcdonalds?
KB: I night die. Why do you ask?
Kyle: Cause i'm deep thinking today...y'know when ppl say profound things and go down in history. That's me.

VA: Last night my dreams were like cardboard.


Patience: Did you know... that your thithter doeth not live with you anymore? And I am your thithter?

Drew: How many questions do you ask?
Patience: Hundredth.

Patience: Athk me what I wath doing.
Drew: What were you doing?
Patience: I wath wearing thretchy pantth in my room.

Dan: O lifeguard! I can stand now! Perhaps I could help you?

Patience: *about William* He took hith shirt and pantth off, tho I got hith hat....
KB: So he wouldn't be naked?
Patience: Yeah.

Sarah: *as Genise and KB argue about something in the front seat* I should have ridden with Mom.

Comparing muscle definition at work:
Sarah: Look, I've got definition! I've got triceps! Sort of... see?!
Cam: *rubs his belly* Girls, I've got a whole dictionary right here. It's got all the definitions you could ever want!

Sarah: Guys, I saw a dead body yesterday.
JC: *horrified gasp* ALIVE???

After the swim lesson kids jump in the water:
Becca: How do y'all feel now?
Kid: Wefweshed!!

Anna: *looking at my book* Gaudy Night? So it's like, they're going into the night, and, hey look! A big truck is coming down the Givens' driveway!

Dan: Ha-ta-ta, my friend!

Chris: That was my angry walk, but you couldn't tell because I was in the water.

KB: *pulls VA's ponytail*
VA: You rang?

Driving by a field with field hands in it:
Anna: What?! I thought all the slaves were set free!

Eric: What?! You've never had a Beach Sheep?!

Patience: Did you know that Jeb putth hith tail up in the thummer and down in the winter?
VA: No, I never noticed that!
Patience: .................I wish I had a tail.

Robbie: I'm gonna take a shower tonight. It's gonna be So. Much. Fun.

Eric: I would like a houseduck.
KB: A houseduck? And where would you keep this duck?
Eric: *gives KB the eye*
KB: Yes, obviously in the house, but where specificially?
Eric: .......................................In the.... jungle.......

Anna: MOMMY!!! William's throwing DVDs at us!

Talking about [hypothetical] online dating:
Kyle: That works until you find out the girl you're talking to is actually a guy. Then it becomes awkward.

Kimberly: When I was younger I thought "ghost" was a really bad word... And I was THRILLED when we sang it in the Doxology.

Kid at the pool: Guess what we wewe doin' while evewyone else was swimmin'.
KB: What were you doing?
Kid: We wewe swimmin' in the play pawt. But then we had to come out and eat.
KB: What did you eat?
Kid: Oh, just all the snacks we bwought.
KB: Oh yeah? What snacks did you bring?
Kid: Oooohhhh, pwetzels, and cheese sticks, and an apple fow my bwothew Alex. *confidentially* He's on a little diet.

KB: Who's the one in the green swim suit?
Kid: Call it a bathing soup.

Kid: Dat's my bwothew Nicholas. He's biggew dan me even though he's fouw and I'm five. *thinks* And how old would you be............ wight now?
KB: *dies* I would be twenty-one right now.
Kid: *confidentially* My mom is in hew THIWTIES!

KB: And what's your name?
Kid: *happy/embarrassed squiggle* Zachawyyyyyyy.....................

Alec: Hey, Mrs. Groover, would it be ok if, after we finish shooting, I wash your dog?

She said this lisping, but it wouldn't get the whole point across:
Patience: Hi sin!
KB: What?!
Patience: *tone of great condemnation* A SIN!!!

After passing a squished frog on the driveway:
Anna: It seems like a lot more frogs are getting stupid.

KB: Joy said there was a tornado in her town and it ate Wal-Mart.
Mommy: It's the judgment of God.
KB: *bewildered pause* On WAL-MART?
Mommy: Yep.

Jesse: Come on, William! Let's sit here and... observe the ladies.

William: A-you a-leh me poke yeewww!

William: A-you a-give me my thword! Thwordie.

Patience: *comes up while I'm reading Physics* Here ith dirt, and water, and the thtraw. *hands me invisible items*
KB: *absentmindedly pretends to slurp it up* Oh, tasty. *goes back to reading*
Patience: *says something but isn't heard because I'm studying*
KB: *realizes she's talking* Sorry, what?
Patience: You were THUPPOTHED to make a BRICK. You ATE the BRICK.

Before a "show":
Patience: I want to announthe thomething!
Us: Yes?
Patience: There will be NO food or drinkth. Or hamburgerth.

Rebecca: Mommy, Anna called me stupid!
Mommy: Anna, you know better than that.
Anna: Well I wanted to throw something hard at her but I knew I wouldn't get away with it!

VA: Hey guess what. I did a chin-up! *as KB laughs* Well, sort of.

Patience: My omelet will be WONDERFUL!
Five minutes later:

KB: Patience, you have no pants on.
Patience: I know.
KB: Why do you have no pants on?
Patience: Well, I had them on, but I took them off becauthe when I bent my knee I felt like I wath going to get a rash and it hurt really bad.

Anna: You know the best thing about people?
KB: What?
Anna: They can READ. And reading means whoa! A happy life!

Anna: *playing cards* Life cannot get better than this! Or CAN it?

KB: Are you going to look at any OTHER schools?
Jesse: I should... what would you recommend?
KB: I ALREADY recommended State. And State has a swing club!
Jesse: I'm sure Grove City has a bunch of swing clubs.
KB: YEAH, but if you went to State, you could take ME.
Jesse: That would take away all the appeal of going to State.

Kyle: but so what? I'm still a rockstar
KB: got your rock moves?
Kyle: yes, somewhere
Kyle: I thnk they're in my other jeans

Kyle: I knew someone who moved to wyoming
Kyle: so it exists I believe

Kyle: if you go to the beach of NC
Kyle: look out to sea (east ofc)
Kyle: you'll see bermuda
Kyle: weather permitting of course
KB: gotcha
KB: yes
KB: lol
Kyle: the weather has never permitted me to see if :-/

KB: Patience, STOP. That is not necessary.
Patience: YOU'RE not nethethary.
KB: Your face isn't necessary.
Patience: Your mom ithn't nethethary.

Kyle: Wanna fight?

Driving by a guy in a car:
VA: Is that guy smoking a cigar?
KB: Where?
VA: There... oh, he has his hand down now... we'll have to wait for him to hold it up again.
KB: Oh, I thought he was gonna just then....
VA: Yeah... close, but no cigar.

Anna: William, say, "The WICKED and the goooooooooooood!"
William: A weecked an' a dude!

William: *runs around in his diaper* Ah I indethent, wight?

In calculus class:
Josh: So why was that same kind of problem so much harder yesterday?
Mr. Turner: Well, that's mostly because I can't do arithmetic.

John: Is your life fulfilled?
KB: Is my life what?
John: Fulfilled.
KB: I..... don't even.... I.... I don't even know how to answer that. Is it fulfilled in WHAT? You didn't give it an object to fulfill.
John: ..............I'm going to take that as a yes. I'm going to take that as a yes so I don't have to question you anymore.
VA: *furrowing brows*
KB: YOU... look confused.
VA: ...........I think I am confused.
John: I think I am too.

Daddy: Hey. *smacks me with the fly-swatter*

Kyle: dude
Kyle: I was planning to go to the mall this weekend
Kyle: to get a hat
Kyle: because I am coveting a hat
KB: hahaha
Kyle: and I'm coveting the whole mall

Daddy: Do you think the Scott's Toilet Tissue overwrap would be good to wrap things in?
KB: Uh, no? What are you wrapping?
Daddy: Well I haven't YET....

Kyle: Speaking of tired
Kyle: that is a description of myself
Kyle: so I'm going to leave
Kyle: and take 45 winks
KB: alrighty
KB: dont' take 'em all, I need a few
Kyle: 5 more than the average person normally winks

KB: Children! Stop!
William: Cheewun! Top!