Thursday, September 19, 2013


Daddy: You don’t wanna play baseball anymore?
William: No. I’m already pretty good.

KB: She has great legs. I want them.
Nick: Tan, fit, shine in the sunlight?

VA: So I am like totes an introvert.

Talking about the location of Westminster, TN:
KB: Well I don’t know where that is. But I’m going to eat a Cadbury egg now. You would do well to follow my example.
Rebecca: I’m eating ice cream. I forge my own path.

I hear a roaring behind me
KB: Is that necessary on any planet?
Patience: Look!
KB: Yes. It’s a pig.
Patience: It’th an attack pig.

Anna: Look what happened from me punching the pig. *shows me a cut*
KB: ...Why?
Anna: Why was I punching the pig?
KB: Well, why were you punching the pig... and how did that happen from punching a stuffed pig?
Anna: Well, I accidentally punched the bed.

From the girl 99% of whose friends are from other states:
Rebecca: How did you get to know someone in West Virginia?!

KB: My mom would have a cow. She would probably have seven cows.
Jordan: Haha.
KB: Of course, some might argue that she already has seven cows, and one lissome gazelle. Guess which one I am!

We’re all getting ready for a wedding, and William (who’s the ringbearer) runs in wearing nothing but Batman tighty whities:
William: Mommy, what am I supposed to wear? Other than this?

VA: Are you aware that you walk like a man?

Anna: I asked Daddy today when I could start driving the car. He didn’t say anything, so he must be hiding something.
KB: Yeah... that must be what that means.
Anna: He also said, “You live in a fantasy world,” which must be code.

VA, to her computer: Connect! Lest I smite you.

KB: But, face! Heheh. Get it? Buttface?
Patience: That’th like the firtht time I’ve heard you thay a lame joke.

I get a bad sunburn
KB: Did you see my awesome back?
Maggie: I did... how could I not?

Grace: You know, people look so burnt when you’re leaving the beach and you’re hungry.

Cason: If we were ever stranded on a desert island, I would kill Katie Beth first, because she’s the most strong-willed person besides me, and she would be my biggest competition.

Mommy: I got a free sample of these new vitamins, and if y’all want to try them with me and take some, you could look like this!
She holds up a picture of two old people walking on the beach.

Maggie: Mommy’s been using a lot of fancy words lately.
KB: She’s always used “facetious.” What other ones has she used?
Maggie: Umm... she said one in the car, but it was too fancy to remember.

KB: Do you give me a small plate in an effort to trick me into eating less?
Mommy: No, but that’s a good idea! It might work!

Anna: What is that?
Laura: It’s like... a carrot muffin... it’s got like super shards of carrot in it.

Alex: I talked to my car today, and it told me it just wanted to be friends because it’s got a lot going on in life right now...
KB: I’m sorry you had to have that conversation.
Alex: Eh, no hard feelings, but it’s only getting regular gas from now on. :-D

Patience walks by with a pitcher of water:
Daddy: Wait, where are you going with that?
Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!
Daddy: What?
Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!
Daddy: Filling up the puddle?
Patience: We’re thaving the tadpoleth!!

KB: Guys, guys, stop that and come over here. I have a question. Why would you put that on your child?!
Jon and Joe: What is that??
KB: It’s a purple fuzzy diaper!
Joe: It’s soft!
KB: But babies’ butts are already soft!
Jon: But they’re not purple!
Joe: I would use it to do this: *mimes rubbing a purple fuzzy diapered baby butt on his face*
Jon: Until I have a baby with a purple fuzzy butt, I will be using that!

VA: I’m gonna have Ryan Gosling comment on it. *she types some things* *her phone buzzes* Ohh Ryan!!

VA: Man, sometimes I really do look Asian.

Dylan: Whatcha doin tonight KB?
KB: Babysitting.
Dylan: DO WE HAVE A KID???

Alex: Yeah, I remember the day I realized I was perfect....

VA: Sometimes I like a picture just to make the number of likes even. And sometimes I don’t like a picture to keep the number the same.

KB: We need a Chipotle near here.
Mike: I would kill for a Chipotle.
KB: We can build one.
Mike: You wanna go into business?
KB: Sure.
Mike: Katie Beth, I would NEVER go into the restaurant business with you. With as much as you eat, we would never make any money. “Hey Katie Beth, how’d we do this month?” “Ohh, pretty good!” “It shows we were really busy, why didn’t we make much money?” “Oh, well, you know, I was pretty hungry...” You would be the LAST person I would own a restaurant with.

Daddy: William and I were at McDonald’s earlier, bonding, havin’ guy time, and a black girl came in wearing Elmo lounge pants. And then I realized... I have those pants.

VA: I love my scrawny little legs. They are an inspiration.

VA: The Starbucks here has these amazing looking brownies. If I had no shame I would get one.

In response to seeing a picture of my dinner of beer, nachos, and a nectarine:
David: Well you have all your colors...

KB: Arnold Schwarzenegger or however you spell it used to drink beer right after his workouts for the raw calories. Take note.
Joe: When I got your text yesterday I thought, “I am going to marry this woman.”

Becca burns herself on the oven:
Becca: OH MY GOSH IT’S BLISTERING!! I’m just kidding, it’s not, BUT LOOK AT IT ANYWAY!!!

Alex says people who wear sunscreen are killing the coral:
KB: Becca says she thinks I shouldn’t save the coral because she appreciates my existence.
Alex: So do I, but if I had to choose between you and coral not going extinct…
KB: Lol!! Jerk!!
Alex: What?! You think I would be less of a jerk if I was like “I’d destroy entire ecosystems for you!”

Drew: So my church is having an open panel about alcohol….

KB: Just saw a car advertising “Unifour Fire and Safety.” They sell fire AND safety!
Alex: Keeping themselves in businesses since 1976

KB: Can I go outside and play?
Mike: If so, I’m gonna need to go with you. You’ll need a chaperone for that one.

VA: I wish someone would tell the black girl walking to class that her hair accessory makes her look like a slave.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Some wisdom for you squirts

Three weeks ago, I tearfully packed up most of my belongings, kissed my family goodbye, and moved out of my parents' house. For as emotional as I was, you'd think I was moving across the country instead of an easy 25 minutes away.

While I do still miss being at home and hearing only crickets instead of crickets and traffic outside my window at night, in general I'm having a ball with my own house, my own roommates, and getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep every morning, even if it doesn't mean I go to bed any earlier.

Since I've been on my own for such a very long time now (21 whole days!), I thought I would share a few of the MANY bits of wisdom I have amassed in the first three weeks of living in the huge, enormous, sophisticated, so-far-from-home metropolis of Wake Forest.

Those of you who know Wake Forest will get that joke. The rest of you are out of luck.

Okay time for wisdom! Listen up, you may need this someday.


When you live on your own, no one cares if you eat the applesauce right out of the jar. Without a spoon. But I would, of course, never do that.


When your mommy isn't there to cook for you anymore, you suddenly develop the ability and desire to cook.


While you may find yourself suddenly able to cook, the same does not necessarily go for the complex and frightening skill of grocery shopping. And when you're bad at grocery shopping, you suddenly realize, "I'm STARVING. I will eat ANYTHING."


Free food becomes 155% more compelling than it already was.


Your life revolves around food. You would be a terrible refugee.


You begin seriously to wonder about the sanity of the rest of the world. "They gave THAT GEM to GOODWILL?"


"I've been wearing this shirt for three days. It might be dirty."...................."But then I'll have to do laundry."..............."Day four it is!"


It is actually possible to be about to hang a picture and encounter an existential crisis so severe that you give up and leave the walls entirely blank, save for one lonely clock.


Packing boxes make great furniture.




You constantly think about but somehow manage to survive without things that most people would consider everyday necessities (...lightbulbs?) while simultanously - and continuously -  forgetting things you legitimately can't go without (lunch...).


When you get along with your roommates, none of you will get anything done.


When you have a house, you become instantly more popular.


Yeah, you totally still don't clean.