Quotables!

You can tell I'm enjoying my vacation when I don't even post. At all. Anyway, time for quotables!

***

VA: For better or for worse.
KB: Woo.
VA: For better or for worse. Till meth do its part.

Patience: *hanging on Maggie*
Maggie: *trips*
VA: Patience, you need to stop that. You're causing her to stumble.

VA: Man, I'm getting so tired of showering.

Katie: Sam is an enigma to me

and I don't know why

Nala: obviously

Katie: lol!

what?!

Nala: that's what an enigma is!

that's the most amazing quote ever

ROFL

"Sam is an enigma to me, and I don't know why"

Katie: oh

LOL

hahahahaha

but I MEAN....

sheesh

Nala: ROFL

Katie: whatever :-P

Nala: QUOTABLES

QUOTABLES

Katie: hahahaha

I CAN'T PUT THAT IN QUOTABLES

SAM MIGHT READ THEM

Nala: YES YOU CAN

Katie: NO

NO I CANNOT

Nala: SO, CHANGE HIS NAME

Katie: well I could

but I WON--oh

Nala: :-D

Katie: yeah I could do that :-P

^Heheheh.^

VA: *solemnly* I feel the giggles engulfing me.

VA: You know that song?
KB: ......
VA: The Trisha Yearwood one?
KB: ......
VA: The Walkaway Joke one?
KB: Yeah?................. So?
VA: I forgot about it.

Jack: ARE YOU IN YOUR BOXERS?!?!
Si: I fowgot my pants!

VA: *in the dark of the theater* Look at that little dude who went to see Twilight.
KB: He probably brought females with him.
VA: *disparagingly* He doesn't look like the type to attract women.
KB: ?!?!?!
VA: Of course, all I saw was his glasses.

VA: *still waiting for the movie to start*What happens in New Moon again?
KB: Virginia!!
VA: I forgot! It's when he................?
KB: Uh, Edward LEAVES?
VA: Ohh, so this is gonna be her lying in the woods the whole time. Got it.

Anna: YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T SIGN THE PEACE TREATY!!!

Talking about birds' mating habits:
Dr. Settles: So this guy's floofing out his feathers trying to get her attention, and dancin' around in circles and stuff.
KB: *to Janna* I think all guys should do that....
Janna: Yeah, why can't human guys do that?
KB: Hoppin' around....
Janna: That's gonna be a requirement for the guy I marry.

Kyle: can I have an aligator on a leash
KB: depends on what you want it for
Kyle: do you not trust me with a pet aligator on a leash.

Max: i know i could put a 115 above my head, well atleast a barbell. people are more floppy :)
KB: um, yes, I am definitely more floppy than a barbell
KB: rofl
Max: and squishy

KB: I have never SEEN so many people at the dollar store. They were GROCERY SHOPPING. They had SHOPPING CARTS.
Mommy: Wow, there must have been a major sale at the dollar store.
Jesse: "Ninety cents!!! Oh!!! This is such a good deal!"
KB: Ha! "Ninety-NINE cents! OH!! If I buy one hundred things, it will save me a dollar!"
VA: Why don't you just buy ninety-nine things?
KB: *gives her a look* Because that would only save me ninety-nine cents....
VA: So?
KB: So I could save a hundred cents!
VA: *gives me a look* You say that like ninety-nine cents is sooo much less than a dollar.
KB: Exactly! Why would... why would you even say that in the first place?! Why not just buy a hundred things?!
VA: I don't really know....
KB: This conversation is not making ANY SENSE AT ALL.
VA: Yeah....
KB: I AM SO CONFUSED.
VA: Me too. I didn't actually know what y'all were talking about in the first place.

Mommy: I'm sorry you're sick in all the wrong places.

Kyle: why do you insist on per
Kyle: per
Kyle: per
Kyle: crap waht's that word
KB: lol!!
KB: I have NO idea
KB: rofl
Kyle: . the word that means to put off until later
Kyle: procrastinate
Kyle: there we go
KB: HAHA
Kyle: percrastinate

Max: lets see if u can reach my weight by next november, u only have... 68 more lbs to go!

Katie: hahaha

I would be a sphere ;-)

Max: lol, spheres are great, you can roll them...

Isaiah: take out your anger on some teddy bears: http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier

Katie: this sounds promising

Isaiah: ;)

Katie: who in the world thought of such a thing?

Isaiah: don't know, but I want to marry them

:p

(provided that they're, you know, a girl. ;)

Katie: I'm starting to think I may actually finish this test

it's confusing as heck (heck is very confusing) trying to keep all the x's and y's straight, but really not all that bad and fun once you get the hang of it

Nala: I know heck is confusing...

I've been through it and back recently

I was very confused

Jordan texts me a picture of a page of Elsie Dinsmore, beginning "Elsie alone preserved a cheerful serenity," and going on to describe in great detail how the vehicle hurtled madly down the road and a powerful negro threw himself in front of it for no reason at all, risking life and limb, etc. etc. etc. I text him back.

KB: GASP. A powerful negro, risking life and limb for some po white folk?!?!?! Do go on!!! (not really)

Jordan: I didn't read that far. Only the first sentence was intended for audiences.

KB: Rofl. The sad thing is I remember that part.

Jordan: I weep for your soul.

KB: I alone shall preserve a cheerful serenity.

Jordan: Saints preserve us.

KB: I don't know about saints, but surely a powerful negro will come along shortly who is eager to risk his useless little life for complete strangers.

Jordan: Pretty sure you're going to hell for that one. Which is good, cause it means we can hang out.

KB: Hahaha. Are you going for sending that in the first place?

Jordan: I'm going for laughing at your text.

Nala: though, not your cheerful serenity, please

Nala: I'd rather have you on the red-heads-conquer-all war path.

VA: *singing* I'm a-gonna break out.
KB: Are you?
VA: Any minute now.

VA: *mumbles something unintelligible*
KB: What was that??
VA: I SAID, "I ain't got a motorboat but I can float your boat."
KB: Thank you for that.
VA: Anyway, I'm going. I'll see ya.
KB: .....Goodbye....

VA: I was trying to teach William ghetto language.
KB: Cuz you're so black.
VA: It was the shawty inside of me.

Talking about blueberry bagels while I fix myself dinner
VA: So have you tried them?
KB: I can't EAT bagels! They HURT!
VA: Oh. What are you making?
KB: Bagels.

VA: I TOLD you they played this song on this station!
KB: I didn't say they didn't....
VA: I know.
KB: Ha ha! "I TOLD YOU." "I never said...!!" "I know."
VA: Heh. I got a little excited.

VA: You know, it occurred to me recently that Fergie dresses like those Indians that only wore strings.
KB: .............EXACTLY like that?
VA: Well.... maybe not EXACTLY... with some embellishments... like she uses sequins where they just have little strips of cloth.

VA: This feels so WRONG. Katie Beth, isn't this WEIRD?
KB: *I look at her but can't see anything weird about her washing dishes* Uh... what?
VA: Look! It's so WEIRD!
KB: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
VA: Look! I'm washing them in the RIGHT sink!
KB: Oh. Why?
VA: Cuz we don't have the thing for the other one.
KB: ........It fits in BOTH.....
VA: Well thanks for TELLING me....

Katie: btw, VA is dimtarded

I have to keep opening up my quotables page because she's so dimtarded

Nala: :-D

it's amazing

Katie: I got kind of distracted when my photo album took over your brain!

Nala: well, that's not my fault.

KB: What's on the neck of your shirt?
VA: What? No clue. Hey, why am I wearing this shirt? I thought I'd changed.

David: I almost put my towel on the sandwiches.
Daniel: That would be bad for the towel!

Mr. Thorsen: Where's my plate?
Everyone else: It's on the counter by the snowman carcass.

VA: Man, don't you just love that feeling when you roll over in bed and you get all comfortable and you think, "AHHHH. THIS is where I was meant to be."

William: My handth ah told.
KB: Oh, yeah. Would you like me to rub them to warm them up?
William: Oh no.

Playing Silent Football
KB: *pats head*
Jesse: Yes, Mrs. Katie Beth?
KB: Mr. President, Mr. Philip was giggling.
Philip: *pats head urgently*
Jesse: Yes, Mr. Philip?
Philip: *sheepishly* Mr. President, I did not know that giggling was not allowed.

Matthew: Hey, where was that kind of pizza?! I never saw that!
Andrew: I guess you weren't LOOKIN'.
Matthew: I was lookin' TOO hard.
Andrew: If it was a snake it woulda bit ya!
Matthew: If it was a snake it woulda bit me... where would it have bit me?
Andrew: Well it was about... here... so about here....
Matthew: Oh, about mid-torso. Man, those mid-torso bites are the worst.
Andrew: Eight out of eleven mid-torso bites are fatal!
Lizzie: Eight out of eleven? How do you know?
Andrew: ...Roadside sightings....

My cell phone has a sense of humor

I texted the wrong person. I texted Drew what I meant to text Hana and then had to retext Drew to correct it.

As I was replying to Drew's text in which she said that she was just about to ask what I was smoking, I realized that my phone had two options for the word I was trying to type.

One of them was "weedcab."

I have nothing more to say.

Don't Limit Me, Desk Ladies

Today I had a four-hour calculus class.

It wasn't really a four-hour calculus class, but after our one-hour calculus class, a couple people from the class and I went to the library to study since we have a test in a couple days. We studied by ourselves for an hour and a half, then the teacher came to help us study for the next hour and a half. The other two people may have stayed longer, but I didn't, so I don't know.

I call them "the two people." I don't know how to spell the girl's name, and I don't know the guy's name. I can't ask him now, because we've been studying together and I still don't know his name, so it's long past the grace period of, "I'm sorry, what's your name again?" That grace period is something like the first two or three weeks of the semester. The semester is now almost over so I figure I'll just never know his name.

I assume The Two People don't read this blog. If they do, I guess I'm in trouble. Hello, Two People. My apologies.

I also ate a bologna burger. It was from the campus "snack bar," which apparently sells more than "snacks." The fact that I 1). Ate food from the snack bar, and 2). Ate a bologna burger at all are momentous events in my life. Events that I would like to forget.

The bologna burger was a gift from The Female Half of The Two People, who likes bologna burgers. In a way I'm glad I ate it because I'd always wondered what one was, and I guess also because it saved me from definite starvation. But now I know what it is, and my dislike of mayonnaise is intensified.

Moving past the bologna burger, hopefully forever, I will now talk about what I came to talk about: the library.

I firmly believe that the Vance-Granville Community College library, or the Learning Resource Center (LRC to you) is bigger than either the Franklinton library or the Louisburg library, which is pretty sad. That does not, by the way, mean that the LRC is big.

I wish they would just call it "the library." The title "Learning Resource Center" is entirely too long and vast for VGCC, and makes me want to have a headache.

There are a lot of signs in the LRC. "No eating, drinking, or smoking in the LRC." "Turn your cell phones OFF." "You must sign up to use the computers." Etc. etc. I don't really mind those, except the drinking part, because I like to have my beer where it's quiet and the LRC is the quietest place on campus.

Just kidding. There are other quiet places on campus.

Anyway, the signs I dislike the most are the ones that say, "No sleeping in this area."

The LRC is full of padded chairs.

The LRC even has a sofa area for comfy reading.

And we are in college.

College students are exhausted all the time. It's one of those qualifications for being in college. We're tired because we stay up late, working feverishly, so when we open a book during the day we immediately fall asleep. Because we fall asleep over our books, we don't get much done during the day, so we have to stay up late, working feverishly. Then we get sick. That makes us tired. It's a vicious cycle, I know, but heaven forbid that I should be the one to break the mold and get my work done early and not have to stay up late, working feverishly.

So why on earth the LRC should have signs saying, "No sleeping in this area," I can't fathom. That's exactly what everyone wants to do when they see those comfy chairs. And the signs are everywhere. They're over the individual study area (quite possibly the worst place to nap anyway); they're over the quiet reading area (the best place to nap); I think they're even over the group study area (what?).

The LRC and its signs causes me a lot of angst.

Someday I just want to take a nap and see what the desk ladies say. My group always studies in the "Individual Study Area" and not once have they said anything. Maybe I'll nap in stages. First I'll doze while I'm reading in the comfy chairs. The next day I'll study at the tables, but with my head down on my paper. The day after that I'll just sleep there. Then I'll climb up on the table to sleep. Then I'll bring a pillow and a blanket. Then I'll get on the desk.

Really, there's no end to what I could do. At least until the desk ladies kick me out.

"It's a little bit smeared because I sat on it in the car and not because I printed it out recently."

If you can name that movie you'll know what it has to do with this post.

I was going to go to bed, but where's the fun in that? Besides, I forgot to put sheets on my bed.

Virginia and I got our hairs cut a couple weeks ago, but apparently we both forgot to have our bangs trimmed. I personally was thinking I'd go for a long no-bang look, totally forgetting that I hate that look and that the half-bangs, half-not-bangs drive me crazy. I don't know what Virginia was thinking.

We talked about it, though, and were left dissatisfied. Our bangs must be fixed, but we weren't about to go pay $15 just to have them trimmed.

So.

I watched a video. (This video, if you must know.) I pretty much figured that watching that one video qualified me for any side-swept-bang-cutting needs ever. So I went to find Virginia.

"Hey. Want me to cut your bangs?" (*gleeful hand-clasping*)

"What?! No!!" (*horror*)

"But I watched a video on YouTube."

"Ok."

I grabbed her before she could change her mind (the whole time thinking, "Really? It was that easy?"), and I cut her bangs.

About halfway through the process she said, "You watched a video? And I let you do this?!"

She did specify that if I messed up I had to pay to get them fixed....

But y'know what? It went well. So then I cut my own bangs, which also went well.

C'mon. Like I was gonna cut my own hair without practicing on someone else first.

Anyway, I'm quite pleased. And I still have my $30 (to get both of our heads fixed...), so I'm even more pleased.



There are my bangs, in all their midnightness. (In other words, ignore my face. Midnight is not its thing. And yet it is... it is so its thing....) Also at an ISO that would be completely unnecessary were I not sitting in the dark.

You should definitely try this if your bangs are long but you don't need anything else cut. It's super fun chopping your own hair to pieces anyway.

Now that's enough stalling. I go forth to conquer. Or at least to put sheets on my bed. Goodnight, my precious weirdos.

You have to be a weirdo to read this blog.

School is eating me alive

So you get quotables! Enjoy.

(In other news, I need to swing dance.)

***

Stephen: *staring at something on the counter*
Genise: That is a strawberry bagel.
Stephen: Oh. It looks like someone died in the batter.

Stephen: UUUUNNNNNHHHHHHH. And again I say UUUUNNNNNNNNHHHHHHH.

Lizzie: my across the hall-mate decided that I was my roommate's imaginary friend

Lizzie: we should have a reunion
all groover friends
that would be nuts
KB: I agree
I think that would be fantastic
except we would have to have it, like... everywhere in the world
cuz that's the only place that would fit us all
everywhere
Lizzie: hahaha
wow
i think we could fit in russia
its big
KB: we probably could fit in russia
and they don't really have anything to do with anyway
all the ruskies
so we could kick 'em out temporarily
and use their space
and their furry hats
Lizzie: haha, good luck
KB: we'd ned thsoe too
need*/those*
Lizzie: yeah, they have plenty of furry hats
KB: definitely
an abundance, I'd say
Lizzie: probably a plethora

Lizzie: I miss small lisping redheads saying funny, funny things
KB: hahaha
Lizzie: and also you and va and jesse
but also small lisping redheads
KB: yeah, the small lisping redheads pretty much take the cake
Lizzie: yeah, and I don't even like cake that much
they can have it anytime
KB: same here
Lizzie: ice cream is more better
KB: I like brownies
Lizzie: as long as they are made of ice cream
:)
i like brownies too

Mr. Turner: *sudden coughing fit* *surprised voice* I swallowed my gum.

KB: Hi.
Patience: Hey babeh.

Daddy: Hey, we're havin' a party!
KB: I DON'T THINK I CAN COME.
Daddy: We're gonna have a party!
KB: I GUESS IT COULD BE FUN..... Are we really having a party?
Anna: It's Ginger Ale. That's pretty much, like, all of the party.

Anna: Katie Beth, do your snazzy Y friends love you?
KB: Um... yeeees?
Anna: Do they love you like a cool summer wind?
KB: .........
Patience: I know they don't.
Anna: I know they do.

KB: read a boring history book or something and you'll be sleepy
Kyle: lol
Kyle: read chinese historu
Kyle: :-/
KB: you could read my nutrition book
Kyle: no :-/
KB: that would probably bore you to death
Kyle: the internet is pretty boring
KB: haha
Kyle: I am going to write a song
Kyle: "The internet is boring tonight"
KB: hahaha
KB: tell me how it turns out
Kyle: it won't

Rebecca: I have a quotable and I demand you put it on youw blog.

About a kid in art class talking about how peacocks are beautiful:
Patience: But little kidth can't even thay beautiful!

Anna: WHERE did you get that Chik-Fil-A cup?
KB: .............

Sarah: Laken! You're supposed to be treading water! Why are you floating on your back?!
Laken: I'm not floating! I'm treading water with my ears.

Jesse: *at 8:30 pm* Good morning.
KB: .....Not yet!
Jesse: I was born before my time.

VA: I've never had pancakes like the ones at the Biblical Student Worldview Conference.
KB: ....They were bad, right?
VA: Yeah, they were like, *makes unbending motions with hands*. They were like rubber. You could have made tires out of them.
KB: *only sort of listening* Mmhm.
VA: They were like a snack for the road.
KB: *looks at her*
VA: *smug, expectant look*
KB: You just wanted to say that, didn't you.
VA: *starts to giggle* Yeah. I thought of it earlier and I've been waiting to say it. Hee hee hee!

Patience: *runs by completely naked* Bloooooming tiiiiiiiger!

KB: *takes out finished peacock drawing* Hello, peacockian.
VA: He's hott.

Mommy: *praying* And I pray that You'll help Jesse and Alec to be themselves but still make a good impression.

Talking about plant adaption in Biology:
Dr. Settles: And you know how it is when your neighbor's all pushin' against you and annoying you and crowding you out and not letting you get any food. What do you do when your neighbor's all in your space? You turn around and you eat your neighbor.

CRASH
Anna: Nothing broke!

Ashley: Yes, Pirates are winning!
KB: Sweet. Who are they playing?
Ashley: UCF.... wherever that is.
KB: University of... Central... Florida?
Ashley: Is that what it is?
KB: I dunno, I made that up.
Ashley: Oh. University of... Califffffornia?
KB and Ashley: Nooo.......
KB: University of... Colorado at... Finland?
Ashley: University of College Flappers?
KB: They play football?
Ashley: That's why we're winning.

VA: You look like you need to be kissed.
Patience: Well I don't. I jutht look like it.

Anna: A pound cake: WEIGHS a pound, and you POUND it with your hands!
KB: Incorrect.
Anna: What?! I thought I looked it up in the Great Dictionary of Anna's Mind!

Patience: I get thick a lot.
KB: You do not.
Patience: I do! I remember at leatht TWO TIMETH when I got a FEVER.
KB: Patience... you're six years old... that's not--
Patience: Onthe I got thick from playing marbleth.

William: I dot dat boom boom pow.

Daddy: Hey, wanna squeeze a workout in?
KB: .................Right NOW??
Daddy: Yeah!
KB: But then we'd be all gross and sweaty!
Daddy: We'd have time to shower!
KB: IN THE DAY???
Daddy: ...........................Yeesss?
KB: No one showers IN THE DAY! It's WRONG!
Daddy: Okaaaayyyy....
A few minutes later:
Daddy: I just asked Jesse. He said, "*makes disturbed eyes* Wouldn't we have to shower?"

William: I haven't not too!

Watching bobcat videos:
Daddy: Who thinks up these tricks?
Anna: Benjamin Franklin.

Patience: *COUGHHACKWHEEZECOUGHCOUGH*
KB: How are you feeling, Patience?
Patience: *COUGHHACKCOUGHCOUGH* Good.

William: *stands on the base of the basketball hoop* Dith ah my hoppletopple.
KB: .......A hoppletopple?
William: No! A hoppletopple!
KB: ...........A hoppertopper?
William: NO! Dith ah my hoppletopple!
KB: .................*bright assenting voice* Oh! ............Cool! *really has no idea*
After William leaves:
KB: Daddy, do you know what a "hoppletopple" is?
Daddy: Uh... no.... What is it?
KB: I don't know. William said the base of the basketball hoop was one. Maybe I'll ask Anna later. I bet she'll know.
Later:
KB: Anna, do y'all call the base of the basketball hoop a funny name?
Anna: Nooooo..... why?
KB: William said it was a.... "hoppletopple," or something like that.
Anna: Oh! *like it's obvious* That's a helicopter!
KB: Ah. I thought you'd know.

Answering the phone:
Anna: Goodnight, I mean goodbye, I mean hello?

Answering the phone again:
Anna: Hello? ..........Nooooo, Mr. Allen does not live here... OOOHHHHH, sorry!! *nervous hopping*
Us: *DIE*
Anna: *after she hangs up* That WAS Mr. Allen.

William: Yook Mommy, I a women!
Mommy: Nooo.... you're a little boy.
William: No! I a women!
Mommy: You're not a woman, William.
William: NO! I A WOMEN!
Mommy: William, you're not--
Rebecca: Mommy, he's saying he's SWIMMING.

Mommy: Girls, did you see how William obeyed me just then?
Anna: Nope!
Mommy: I told him not to play with that and he said, "Okay," and put it down. That's how y'all need to obey.
KB: Even though he completely ignored me when I told him....
Mommy: Well that is true....
Anna: Ok Mommy! That's how I'll obey. I'll completely ignore Katie Beth and--
KB: Hey! Mommy, no!!

Anna: Mommy, I am SO AWESOME. I mean, I am SO GOOD at figuring stuff out!
KB: And you're so egotistical!
Anna: Yeah! I'm egertistical!
KB: I don't think you know what "egotistical" means.
Anna: What does it mean?
KB: It means you're proud.
Anna: *horrified, sheepish face* OH. I thought it meant I was eager!

William: *giggling* Nooo! Don't tickle my yittle feet!
Us: HA HA! *tickle him some more*
William: Don't tickle my yittle tummy!!

Patrick: I won't be able to tell if it's thundering because that woman's kicking is so... thunderous.

Genise is so involved in ignoring Drew on Skype that she isn't paying attention:
KB: You're watching golf.
Genise: Oh! *changes the channel*

With Drew on Skype on Genise's computer and GTalk on KB's computer:
Genise: Wow, it's like Drew in surround sound.

Anna: Katie Beth, did you see the Mexican band at Wal-Mart???
KB: No, I wasn't there then.
Anna: It was so cool! They were dressed all the same, and they were singing in Spanish or Russian or something!

One person can only handle so much - Part 2

I was sitting here eating pizza and I thought, "Hey, what better way to gross myself out than to post the second half of that blog post!"

So here I am.

I spoke of cake on cake before. Some of you (ok, one of you) told me that cake on cake didn't sound that bad, and definitely gave me to believe that it was something you (ok, he) would willfully ingest.

Well you're wrong. WRONG, I tell you. Cake on cake is a glorified Oreo, and if I wanted an Oreo I would have gotten an Oreo. It isn't like we don't have giant Costco boxes of Oreos around here. In fact, I had some today.

But I digress.

The second part of this mad journey of Absolutely Wrong burst upon me one day when I looked in the fridge ("It's not the 'fridge,' Patience told me later, "It's the fridgerator."). I don't remember what I was looking for, but it didn't matter. I only saw one thing anyway.

And I was disgusted.

I was repulsed.

I was angry.

I was repulsed.

Did I mention I was repulsed?

You know that I would never do this to you, but please. Allow me to rant. Just this once.

Advertising is a wonderful thing. Without it we would never get anywhere. It makes things known. It gets things accomplished. It's big, bad, colorful.

And ok, it plays with peoples' minds and makes them want things they don't need, and that totally appeals to the dictator in me.

But that's not what's going on here. Food advertising is supposed to make that particular food that you already need desirable. It's supposed to make you want this particular brand over that particular brand.

This box doesn't do that. It makes me want to puke. And that is bad for business.

Ok, get to the point, you say. Ok, I will.

I opened the fridge that day, and I saw... this.




Really, Katie Beth? you say. You got that worked up over butter?

Yes, really. You haven't seen the side of the box yet. Hold your ponies.



BUTTER CURLS.

BUTTER CURLS?

I'm telling you, no one eats butter curls.

Decorative curly garnishes should be things that you would ever, possibly, remotely want to eat by themselves. Nobody but cats and toddlers eats butter by itself, and if you say you do, I'll sock ya.

I understand chocolate curls. I would eat those. I understand the little curly carrot shaving things. I would eat those too. But I would never, never, NEVER eat a curled piece of butter, and seeing it on top of something would make me want to never eat anything else again, either.

Putting it on food or something is bad enough, but to put it on a BOX....

I need to meet the people who are designing these packages. I have some things to say.

Butter. Is. Not. Decoration. Butter churns, fine. They're homey and Laura Ingalls used them. Legit. Cows, great. They're farmey. Laura Ingalls used them too. But actual butter, in shapes that no one in their right mind would ever consider consuming, is disgusting. Every time I see the box it makes me want to put it back and make something that doesn't use butter.

At a niggling suspicion, I googled "butter curls" and found that people do indeed eat these little monsters. Which I guess just confirms my fear that the world is full of hopeless, messed up people. People with really high cholesterol.

The mother says that the people who partnered with the people designing these things are going to see these blogs and say, "I TOLD HIM that was a bad idea!"

If that's you, please call me. Please? I want to dissect your brain.

One person can only handle so much - Part 1

Virginia has a recipe book, which I foolishly recommended to her one fateful day while browsing the B&N sale page. I don't know why I did it. I know she loves to make desserts. I know these desserts are bad for us. I know she takes it over the top. And yet I said, "Hey, there's this dessert book on sale. Do you want me to order it?" And she said, "Sure!"

So I did. She makes something out of it about three times a week, and spends the rest of the week drooling over it.



I admit that someone else who happens to have red hair spends a lot of time drooling over a particular Black Forest Cake on p. 312 (mm, cherry brandy). But that's beside the point.

Really, I don't have a huge problem with the contents of the book. I mean, if Virginia wants to indulge her overpowering passion for sweets, I guess she can have at it. I just don't eat too much of it because I don't need that much sugar.

I do, however, have a problem with the cover.

This...



This is what offends my most delicate sensibilities. What IS this? Why is there a piece of cake on top of this piece of cake?



I read this book for weeks with a niggling feeling that something was terribly wrong. When I finally noticed what it was, I was horrified. I gaped in wonder. I asked myself why someone would think that was a good way to photograph food. I still ask myself that.

No one eats this way. This rankles. This rankles deeply.

For a while I thought I was the only one who felt this way, so I kept quiet (Uncharacteristic of me, you say. Yes, I know.). I kept quiet until one day... one day when I was at the end of my rope, when I was about to let forth all the strength of my indignation... when Virginia said, "You know, this picture drives me crazy. It's bugged me ever since I got it. WHY is there cake on the cake?!"

It was such a relief. We let forth our indignation together, and the strength of it was as of the ocean in its anger, if the ocean did get angry about things like cookbooks and bad photos.

Put a cherry on top, or something. Anything. Drizzle some chocolate syrup over it. Slice a strawberry and stick it up there. Anything but cake. Cake is not a garnish for cake. Cake is not a garnish for anything. The person is not right who thinks his cake is incomplete without more cake on top. And the person who photographs it for the cover of a book is even less okay.

I thought I would never see the thing that surpassed this monstrosity, but I was mistaken. Yes, as horrible and mind-blowing as cake-topped-cake as a cover for a cookbook, there is something even worse.

Readers, brace yourselves, for what comes next is so mind-blowing, so utterly disgusting, so blatantly against all that is good advertising, that you may not believe your eyes.

(To be continued...)