Friday, September 17, 2010

Ummm..... Quotables?

It's been approximately 731 days, 16 hours, 5 minutes, 7.26 seconds since I last posted. That's just a guess, of course. It's partly because I'm insanely busy (Art school holla! Anybody?) and partly because Rebecca bugs me about it so I didn't post, just to bug her back.

I'm insanely busy today too, but I have a long quotables document, so I'll just... give y'all that. Maybe eventually I'll have a real post again.

Live long and prosper. Until we meet again. And I guess you can live long and prosper after we meet again, too.

Basically, have fun.


KB: What are YOU reading?
Genise: It's a romance novel.
KB: It looks really... frilly.
Genise: It's about cakes.
KB: Do the cakes fall in love? Do they make little baby cakes?
Genise: They make cupcakes.

KB: I got a hundred on my calculus test.
Daddy: Is that ALL?

KB: Have you seen my jean capris? I don't know if I can wear my khaki ones, I'm wearing blue plaid underwear.
Mommy: Khaki and blue plaid go together.

KB: So the deal was, Hunter didn't know we don't call adult swim before we close so he blew his whistle early. We told all the people "just kidding" and we made him unwhistle -- well, he didn't... but I wanted him to....
Dan: Did you?
KB: No, I'm not trained in unwhistling.
Dan: What?! It's like counterwhistling but more advanced. This is counterwhistling: *puts his mouth to the other hole in the whistle and breathes in* Unwhistling is the same kind of technique, sort of like this: *puts both his whistles in his mouth and manages to make a little tweet* It's very difficult. It involves circular breathing.
KB: Well why don't you unwhistle then?
Dan: I can't do it. I haven't learned the technique of circular breathing.

Katie: It's interesting how our conversations so quickly transcend the realm of coherence
Derrick: You're my test case for secret emoticons :) They work. This is a test. We now take you back to your normal life, already in progress.
Here's something sweet for your Friday (nutella)

KB: What's up, Patience?
Patience: Being around weird people. *gets up to leave*

KB: Virginia is wearing skinny jeans.
Patience: Freak.

KB: So William, what do you say when people ask you how old you are?
William: I thay, "FOUW!"
KB: Right! That's very good!
William: Yeth. Yeth it ith.

Alex: Katie Beth, do we have another hour before we close?
KB: No, we have about seven minutes.
After being quiet for a little bit:
Alex: Katie Beth, do you know how many pounds one float pack holds?
KB: I have no idea.
Alex: How many float packs do you think it would take to float me?
KB: A lot. Why do you ask?
Alex: I'm gonna try it.
KB: Oh really. When?
Alex: In about... seven minutes.

Dan: Katie Beth, I think you should turn into a phoenix.

Lizzie: My inner lifeguard just died.

Lindsay: My soul is wilting.

Lizzie: Oh, I'm sorry about that sorta.

Lindsay: *stands under the light* Hey! I have a great idea! ...........A bright idea. Dang it, I said it wrong!

Mrs. Halvorsen: *picks up the Nerf gun as she's chatting with us* Does this have any things in it?
Hana: I don't know....
Mrs. Halvorsen: *suddenly aims it at Grace and shoots her*
Grace: *screams*
Mrs. Halvorsen: Oh look! It does! *shoots again* *a nerf dart sticks to the wall above my head* Oh looka that!
Hana: Mom!!
Mrs. Halvorsen: *aims at Hana tries to shoot some more* I think it's out. *two more darts cycle around and hit Hana* Oh, I guess not!
Hana: *screams*
KB: *covers head and cowers*
Mrs. Halvorsen: Ok, I think it's out now. I'm gonna go paint.
Hana, Grace, and KB: *pant and stare*
Hana: I've never been bombed that hard by my MOM before!

William: I LOVE LADIETH!!!!

Drew: are you going to wear your wuit?
Katie: yes, I was planning to wear my wuit
Drew: hahaha
Katie: :-D
Drew: so you are?
Katie: lol, yes
but I am not happy about it
Drew: ok, I guess I will to then...:/
Katie: lol, you know, me wearing my suit does not automatically cause yours to leap upon your bod...
Drew: actually, it does. some days, my suit is just on my body...and i don't know why, so I assume you're working
Katie: hahahaha
and totally unsanitary :-D
Drew: not my fault, it's yours

KB: Maggie, what are you doing?
Maggie: I tied my pant legs together!
KB: But of course. I can't believe I had to ask.

Jesse: Mrs. Joyner, when we were walking in I realized that your pool is so small that the only kind of dip you can take in it... is a skinny one.

Mr. Tola: *to Mr. Joyner* ....and I played hooky....
Philip: *overhears* *looks at me, very confused* He say hoo-ky. Why he say HOO-ky? *suddenly looks enlightened* He means HOCKEY.

Patience and William are fighting:
Patience: I'M TELLIN' MOMMY!!!

VA: Sometime I want to go to one of those museums with all the stars in the ceiling.

Daddy: Ok Anna, let her tell her story first, even if it's wrong. Then I'll tell my story. Even though I wasn't there.
KB: *from the other room* My story's BEST!
Daddy: No no no! Mine has clowns!
KB: Nobody likes clowns!
Daddy: That's why mine is unique.

KB: You take very strange naps.
VA: What do you mean?
KB: I heard you rattling around and around in here for a very long time before now.
VA: That's not true!
KB: You just came back in here!
VA: Oh yeah. Well I was sleeping--well I was trying to sleep--well I was going to sleep--well I was--I was in here napping and then suddenly I decided that I wanted a pipe so I got up in the middle of my nap to ask Daddy if I could get a pipe at the state fair but Daddy was asleep so I asked Mommy and she was like "Uuuunnnhhhhhhhh you'll have to ask Daddy" and then I decided that I wasn't really sleepy so I came back here to read.

KB: What are you mad about, Maggie?
Maggie: Rebecca.
KB: Did she break your ruler?
Maggie: Sort of.
Mommy: How did she "sort of" break it?
Maggie: I threw it at her.
Mommy: I wondered if it was something like that.

Rebecca: There were lots of nerdy people at the orthodontist's office.
Jesse: So you fit right in?
Rebecca: NO! And anyway I was busy doing science.

Nala: I happen to LOVE Krispy Kreme...
and I still haven't been to the new one
Katie: dude
you need to go
Nala: I know
my bladder can't hold much more right now
Katie: rofl
Nala: back
so, about half way through the potty time, I realized you were talking about KK, not the bathroom
Katie: ROTFLOL!!!!!!!
Nala: I just looked up and saw, "Dude, you need to go" and thought, "yeah, I really REALLY do!"
so I went

Drew: man I went to wal mart was crazy

Kyle: I felt guilty when dad said "We need to talk SOON"
Kyle: but I had no clue what to be guilty about

Nala: which is WHY you have to come up to App
Katie: I want to come to a concert
Nala: I know
Katie: hopefully I can make that happen
Nala: :-D
Katie: are you going to have a senior recital?
Nala: my senior recital
Katie: LOL
Nala: psychic
Katie: psychic
Nala: HA!
Katie: WORD

Drew: GASP!!! They don't have irish swim caps!
Katie: what?!
Drew: I'm looking at the laytex ones now...

Kyle: HECK. YES.

William: *to Mommy* You dude. You DUDE!!!!!

Anna: What's pepper spray?
Daddy: It's stuff to spray on someone if they're attacking you.
Rebecca: You would want to spray them BEFORE they attacked you.
KB: How are you supposed to know if they're gonna attack you?
Anna: You could go up to them and say, "Are you going to beat me up or do you have other plans?"

Stephen: Kiss the frog!
KB: I don't want to kiss the frog. Lauren, you wanna kiss the frog?
Lauren: Not really....
KB: Nancy? You wanna kiss a frog?
Nancy: No thanks. I've already got my prince.
Us: Ooohhh, good answer!
KB: Is that how you got Daniel?
Nancy: Shh, don't be tellin' all my secrets! You shoulda seen all the ones I had to throw out before I got him!

KB: Is Mrs. Riley gonna pick Holly up?
Mrs. Hagwood: *perfectly seriously* We'll probably just drop her off on the side of the highway somewhere.

William: I yove twiangleth. And McDonald'th.

Imparting wisdom before he leaves for college:
Jesse: William, ya gotta stay away from all these girls.
William: I love ladieth.

Talking about Anna listening to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity:
Anna: I love them! I listen to the show. They inspired me to politics!
VA: Ok, what do you know about politics?
Anna: ......Obama is president.

VA: You know how you see some people and you wonder, "How did that person EVER get a boyfriend??" And then you see the boyfriend and you understand.

Kyle: I pity the foo
KB: me too, assuming I'm the foo ;-P
Kyle: :-)
you're a nice legit foo
not a bad foo

Kyle: if you start blaming yourself for a mess
I will walk over ther
and when I finally make it in like 2 days
I will cut you
then I will walk home
and I will be pissed.
KB: hahahahahahahaha
Kyle: and you will be pissed too
KB: I would be kinda pissed ;-P
Kyle: we would all be pissed
so stop

VA: *awed voice* I.... did... a chinup.
KB: *laughs*
VA: Aren't you proud???

Mommy: What does the letter "B" sound like?
William: Butt!

Mommy: We'll turn off the water when it gets high enough.
KB: YOU'RE high enough!
Mommy: *to Maggie* Man, I can't even say "your mom" to her.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


KB: So you got a bead stuck up your nose, huh?
William: *nods*
KB: Is it a big one?
William: No, it a yittle one. *seriously* But it have a heart on it.

KB: So uh, how did you get that bead up your nose?
William: I atendin' it wath a boogew!

Patience: *sits down with her pizza in front of the TV*
William: Heeeyyy, I wath donna thit wight dewe!
Patience: Unh, but William...!
Anna: Well he was.
Patience: But...!
Anna: And William, why don't you just go get your food?
William: No! Mommy ith dettin' it wight now! *with an attitude* How 'bout YOU det me my food?!

KB: Does that make you happy?
Chich: Yes. It makes my insides tingle.

You know those guys with muscles on top of their muscles?
KB: Yeah.
Kalyn: Well it's like he has that, but only the ones on top.

KB: That's not gonna work....
Mark: Believe!!

KB: Ok, go wash your hands before dinner.
William: No.
KB: Yes. Go wash your hands.
William: No.
KB: I will spank you if you don't wash your hands.
William: I gueth I will wash my handth.

VA: You know, it's pretty impressive that some guys have a six pack, like really nice abs, cuz they usually have good UPPER body strength, not tummy strength... so some of them could have babies.

Kid at jam session: So do you go to college?
VA, completely mishearing: ...I don't know....
Kid: *awkward silence*

Patience, dressing William: He won't let me put hith shirt on. He wantth to pretend to be The Incredible Hulk.

William: *grabs Patience's arm*
Patience: Incredible Hulk? I am a thientitht. I can beat you with great poithonth.

VA: *hums the first line of Big Girls Don't Cry*
KB: *does the same a few minutes later and then realizes it* Argg! I hate you!
VA: HA HA. I love me! *drops food* Argg! I hate me!

At naptime:
William: Wait! Tan I be a fiweman? PEEAAATHE?
Mommy: *exasperated* A fireman who takes a nap. Come on!

VA: *sees me looking at her* What?
KB: WHY do you have class?
VA: Uh... why?
KB: I wanted you to braid my hair.
VA: Well I'm doing homework right now. And then I have to shower. And then I have class.................................................. But I MIGHT have time later if you stop making that face.

KB: Maggie, isn't Rebecca the weirdest person you've ever met?
Maggie: Yeah!
Rebecca: Cuz you haven't met youwself!
KB: Rebecca, I think she knows herself.
Rebecca: But she hasn't MET hewself!
KB: Maggie, shake your hand and introduce yourself to you.
Maggie: *shakes her hands*
KB: Introduce yourself!
Maggie: Hello! My name is Maggie. Oh! Hello. It's good to meet you.
KB: NOW isn't Rebecca the weirdest person you've ever met?
Maggie: Um. I think it's a tie.

Talking about how eggs don't come from bunnies, so what's up with the Easter Bunny?
Patrick: All holiday mammals lay eggs.

Patrick: Zombies deeeeeeeeeeefinitely lay jack o' lanterns. I know that for a FACT.

Hana: Have I ever told you what nice teeth you have? The bite marks in my bunny are perfectly lovely. :-D

Brianne: Ok Katie Beth, I got Max to come in for me from five to nine. I told him he'd be working with you and Lauren and he said, "Ugh, the smart girls. They'll probably have me doing algebra and stuff."

Kyle: Apparently kerr saw a transformer the other day
KB: Optimus Prime?
Kyle: He said a sherriff was following him then he turned into a gas station

Anna: You tickled me with your eyes!

Nala: you like licking your face a lot
Katie: it's a curse


Jackson: She's a redheaded lifeguard. She will EAT you.

Patience: *points at a purple sticky note up at the top of the door* Gueth how I got that up there.
KB: Um................. a chair?
Patience: *exasperated sigh* EVERYBODY guetheth that! And it'th RIGHT! And you and Virginia are the only oneth who have guethed.

What is your wife going to say about all this?
Jordan: "lol, you're awesome, honey. So funny, and so good looking, too! I am truly the luckiest woman ever to have found such a stud. Come, let us return to passionate kissing."
Something along those lines.
KB: I'm floored. Honestly.
Jordan: Just add that to the list of reasons you + me = no.

KB: Jesse just told me that while I was at the gym yesterday running miles galore and doing all that exciting stuff, he started a factory, made a really long pole, bought NASA, flew to the moon, and used the really long pole to move the earth, like Archimedes.
Mommy: Oh, yeah. Well you were gone a really long time.

KB: Did y'all use up all the cheese?
VA: No. Actually I think it's still in the living room.
KB: o_O?

Daddy: *hands me a frappuccino* The whipped cream was a little suspect.
KB: ...Does that mean it's gonna poison me??
Daddy: I hope not.

Nala: I like the pink
okay, time for another stickie
Katie: you WOULD use pink for me
Nala: :-D
Nala: Pink = hott
KB = hott
Katie: yeah, as in it burns your eyes :-P
kinda like my hair
but in a clashy sort of way
Nala: therefore KB = Pink
Katie: (not classy)
no no NO
Nala: :-D
don't you LOVE my logic?!
(and that needs to be in quotables)

KB: Hush.
Josh: why? haha
KB: Cuz I said so and I'm an oldest child and I'm used to getting my way! :-P
Josh: katie.. you've known me for almost 2 years.... when do i ever listen to what i'm told? haha
KB: Uh huh. And when do I not get my way? (Hint: not often.)
Josh: i wouldn't know... but again... my not listenin happens a lot more than you gettin your way haha
KB: Actually, you probably just don't notice me getting my way because you're not listening. ;-)
Josh: thats a possibility. we'll never know haha

Max: I am enraged.

VA: You see Katie Beth, you and I are like exact opposites. You have all these people that come up to you and say, "Hi! Will you be my friend?" and you say, "NO! Go away!" and I'm always like, "Why don't I have any friends?" and I go up to people and say, "Hi! Will you be my friend?" and they're like, "No! Go away!"

Jesse: Katie Beth, we're bad parents.

Jesse: You want to wear the yellow pajama shirt?
William: Uh huh. But it hath holeth.
Jesse: It has holes? Well of COURSE it has holes! It has a hole for your head, and a hole for your body, and two holes for your arms. EVERY well-made shirt has holes!
William: I MEAN wight DEWE.

Jesse: You, woman, are smart. You have a... something of note, inside your head.

Nala: do you have a day you can come over?
Katie: oh sorry
Tuesday or Wednesday should be fine
Nala: :-D
Katie: but if I come Tuesday I just need to figure out what to do with the little girls
Nala: send them to Alaska!
Katie: they might miss art class
Nala: so?
that's what video chat is for

Katie: how I love math :-D
Nala: oh how you are weird.

KB: I just saw a car with "THE GAME" stickered across the back. And I lost.
Jordan: You're such a rock.
KB: Pizza face.
Jordan: Your mom.
KB: Your DAD. OH.
Jordan: Okay, now that was just inappropriate and uncalled for.

Eric: *tapes my ankles together* That was a fun game.

VA: How come you have so many friends?! You don't even like people!

William: Tan you peew my tementine?
VA: Yeah. *starts to peel clementine*
William: Not wight now!!
VA: But you just asked me to peel your clementine!
William: Not yet. I donna det a panking!
VA: Ohhh. Mommy's gonna give you a spanking?
William: Yeah.
VA: Oh. Is she gonna spank you hard?
William: No, she not donna pank me hawd.
VA: No? Don't you think you should ask Mommy about that?
William: Mommy, ah you donna pank me hawd?
Mommy: Yup!
William: She ith.

Laken: NO! No Mexicans!

KB: Who's the guy that played in the King And I, again?
Daddy: Yul Brynner?
KB: Yeeaaah.
Daddy: Some people think I look like him, ya know.
KB: Really.
Daddy: Yup. The ones who think I am handsome. Handsome as a rogue.
KB: I wasn't aware being handsome was one of the requirements for being a rogue.
Daddy: It helps. It helps.

Jesse: Katie Beth....
KB: Yes?
Jesse: If they call logos... "logos"... why do they call slogans "slogans"? Why don't they call them "slogos"?
KB: Well why don't they call logos "logans"?
Jesse: Because that would be confusing.

Jesse: Katie Beth, I'm not the sharpest cheddar in the kitchen.

KB: Man, a minute on this microwave takes just as long as a minute on the last microwave.
Daddy: I know, I was hoping it would be a little quicker.

William: *rubbing hard at his itchy nose*
KB: How ya doin' there, William? Ya doin' ok?
William: No. *rubs some more* I feew yike I donna die.

Patience: All my ribth hurt. I think I've been extherthithing too much.

Dan: I am going to buy a milkshake, and then I am going to drink it.
Drew: *gigglefit*
Dan: I don't understand why that is funny. I am going to buy a milkshake, and that is what I am going to do with the milkshake when I get it.

Hana: And it's a full moon tonight!
Sebastian: Do we have a full moon tonight?
KB: Yeah, it is! I noticed it when I was driving over here.
Sebastian: And you didn't think about it being a full moon then?
KB: Well at the time I didn't know we would be dining with a werecow.
Dan: I'm not a werecow, I'm a weresquirrel.
Hana: A weresquirrel?
Dan: Yes.
KB: How does that work out with your mad cow thing?
Dan: It's very confusing. I have a very serious case of species confusion.

Kyle: Indians
Kyle: exude curry

Jackson: I think I look like my dad.
VA: Yeah, you do.
Jackson: At least I don't look like my uncle.
KB: What does your uncle look like?
Jackson: A taller version of my dad.

Jackson's pickup lines:
Jackson: You and this beer have one thing in common: you make my liver shiver.

Caleb: Jackson, don't curse in front of the Presbyterians.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Just When You Think You're Safe, You Ain't

I graduated on Friday from Vance-Granville Community College, that time-honored institution of academia where I have wiled away the past five years. I can explain that outrageous time frame for getting two associate degrees, but y'all don't really wanna hear that, right? Right.

Ok, two of those years were in high school. But it's still five years.

Anyway, I thought that since I've finished that phase of my existence--well, almost finished--I should write a reflective post about all the life-changing revelations I've had in the past half-decade.

I say "almost" because I'm taking Calculus III this summer.

I made all A's this semester, even in Physics and Calculus II, so I think I can afford to sit here watching Castle, drawing light bulbs, and sipping my figurative martini. The martini stimulates the brain cells and all.

So here I sit, figurative martini figuratively in hand, thinking wise thoughts. The wisest thought that comes to mind is, "What the heck happened?"

See, when I graduated high school, I went to VGCC because it was a close and cheap way to get my first couple years of college out of the way. That was my only goal. Ok, that and make good grades. My goal was not to make friends or be a presence on campus. I took most of my classes online and was on campus as little as possible. I came to class, I went home. My friends and social life came from church and work.

My lab partner and I had some fun goofing off in my second semester, but we weren't bff's or anything. Second year was nice and calm. Third year started out smooth, then it started down that infamous gravelly path of unpredictability.

Man, I hate that path.

So there I was, fixin' to graduate nice and clean with no extra hangers-on (if that's not a real phrase I am not apologetic), when bam! Suddenly I know all these people, and after years of being in class together they now decide to move themselves from the Those People In Class list to the Friends list. I never moved them. They moved themselves. I take no responsibility for this state of affairs.

Kinda creepy if you think about it. I mean, there they were, and there I was, a completely separate entity, all happy in my own little overachiever world, and then these infiltrators come barging in without even asking and declare themselves my friends and what am I supposed to do? Kick 'em?

And my best friend thinks it's funny. I am indignant, not to mention woefully confused, and there she is, laughing at me. She says the lack of control is good for me. What nerve.

Because it's not the friends I mind, exactly. It's the fact that my fate is apparently not in my own hands. Which I should have known, given that I'm a good Presbyterian child who believes in predestination and all that, but I guess I forgot. It's the fact that I go to bed one night quite calm and content and I wake up the next morning to find that all is chaos and those people have made off with my lists. I needed those lists for putting people into their neat little categories. If I don't have them the people on the lists keep popping out of their boxes and scampering the wrong way. In fact, I think I yelled after them to give me back my lists. I think I even shook my fist a couple times. I had to give up after a few shouts though. I'll probably never get those lists back. So much for organization. I feel like someone else put my clothes away and they're all in the wrong drawers and all my shirts have the sleeves sticking out. I hate it when the sleeves stick out.

So now I'm not really sure what to do with this little crowd I seem to have acquired. What do you do with people when suddenly you're friends and then you go somewhere else and probably never see them again? Do you stick 'em in the closet and keep them until later or do you release them into the wild, wings a-flappin'? I can't say yet because I've never had people escape from their boxes before.

If I had been friends with people from the beginning this might not be so mind-boggling. But coming at the very end of five years, it's just odd. I scratch my head and say, "Weird."

It kinda makes me wonder, though... What boxes am I in?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Friday, March 12, 2010


Jesse: William, don't you want to go to church to see all your little buddies?
William: ...I don't yike guyth... I yike yadieth... I yike yiddle yadieth!

the twelfth day of christmas my true love gave to meeeeeee!:
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping
10 lords a leaping
9 ladies dancing
8 maids a-milking
7 swans a swimming
6 geese a-laying
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
thank you
thank you ver' much
or it really should be "thank ya, thank ya ver' much"
I am overjoyed by this uproarious reception before me!
you're too kind!
Really! I can't give you a kiss! I'm sorry!
but you may have a beat of my sweat if you wish
really you guys are too mcuh!
very well, I shall perform my best number.
how would y'all like to hear "the Teapot Song"?!
to my fans! These are dedicated to you!
I'm a little teapot!
Short and stout!
Here is my handle,
Here is my spout.
when I get all steamed up,
here me shout!
Tip me over and pour me out!
y'all are a great audience!
I love you to death!
me: oh hello :-D

Kyle: sorry
Kyle: eric called
Kyle: then after I got off the telephone
Kyle: I walked up the stairs without
Kyle: to get the brownies that waited above
KB: and were they wonderful as anticipated?
Kyle: and was gifted with a phone with my brother from afar
Kyle: speaking from afar
Kyle: I spoke to him above
KB: rofl
Kyle: for a time
Kyle: then gifted the telephone to my pater who lingered without
Kyle: and ate a brownie with my sister who gifted me with the brownitos
Kyle: and came hither
KB: was the pater grateful?
Kyle: I'm sure he was

Katie: OH
this is exciting
I forgot we had a toaster

KB: No William, don't play with that!
William: Yeth!
KB: No! Put it down.
Mommy: No, William, you can't play with that. That's Rebecca's.
William: Oh. I yike Bucca'th duff!
KB: Rebecca, come put your stuff away!
William: Bucca, know what?! I yike youw duff!

Old lady: *studies me intently in the mirror at the Y as I try to avoid her eyes* .....Cougar?
KB: *startled* What??
Old lady: What does it say on your shirt?
KB: *looks down at swimsuit* Um... guard?....
Old lady: Oh. That's a nice tribute. *wanders off*
KB: O_O?!?!?!??!?!!!??!?!?!??!!??!?!!

While driving:
Virginia: That buck we saw on the way here was right up here on the left.
KB: Oh, right... HERE? *jerks the wheel to the left and back again*
Virginia: OH. *clutches heart*
Jesse: VirGINia......
Virginia: Don't DO that! I almost had a heart attack! TWICE!
KB: HA HA. You almost had a heart attack twice?!
Virginia: A DOUBLE heart attack. I'll have to have a double bypass for my two heart attacks!

Mommy: Katie Beth, why do you keep putting your toast in the oven?!
KB: ....Cuz I keep forgetting we have a toaster!

Matthew: *puts his arm in front of my face as he reaches for the bread*
KB: You want me to bite you?!
Matthew: You wanna bite me?! Huh?! Bite me! Bite me! *shoves his arm back in my face*
KB: *looks at his arm* *chomps down hard*
Matthew: Bite me! Bite me! Okay stop.

A couple minutes later:
Matthew: *all up in my face again*
KB: You want me to bite your NOSE?!
Matthew: No! You want me to SNIFF your TEETH while you bite my nose?!
KB: I... uh... wouldn't that... um... huh.

Even later:
VA: Yeah, that kind of startled me too. I mean, I looked over and you were latched onto his arm. ...It didn't really surprise me though.

Mommy: Anna, you need to do your math while you eat your ice cream.
Anna: But that takes away all the joy of eating my snack!
Mommy: Yeah, but you just had two hours of joy.

Rebecca: Did you know that Galileo didn't invent the telescope?
Daddy: Who did?
Rebecca: They don't know the name anymore, but they said Galileo stole the idea.
Daddy: I don't want to hear that. Galileo is my hero. *pause* I love him.

Max: *sticks head in door* I smell math. Lots of math.

VA: I was reading this homeschooling article and at the bottom it talked about the lady who wrote it. It said she had eight kids, and I thought, "EIGHT KIDS!!! THAT'S A LOTTA KIDS. NOBODY HAS... oh wait."

Patience: Tell me, woman!

Ben: I love those really trippy dreams when you wake up and you're like, "OH MY GOSH."
Max: Katie Beth's trippiest dream is when she divides by zero and gets away with it.

Jordan: I guess it's sort of a pre-nup, where one of the points is agreeing not to nup.

Telling Maggie about his cut that he got in the woods:
William: I dot dith tut in da woodth. I dot it in da woodth when I fell. I dot it in da woodth. I did. But I didn't ty when I dot it. I duth thaid, "Daddy yook! Daddy yook!" An' he yooked.

VA: I think we should be soulmates.
KB: Ok.

VA: Good gracious, that's like your fourth tissue! That's a lot of tissues for one nose!

After a heated Facebook conversation (on William's changed relationship status) in which Hana and KB argue about whether or not best friends are allowed to marry their bff's little siblings and decide to set the siblings up with each other:
Katie: heheh
VA just saw William's statu
Nala: ROFL
what was her response?
Katie: "I have Matt Damon marked out, sry."
Nala: WOAH
she's got her sights set high
Katie: :-D
Nala: what if we got william to look like Matt Damon?
Katie: to the status with you!
Nala: we could smash his face against a wall several times...

Anna: *in a happy preschool TV show voice* We have hearts everywhere on Valentines Day! A story about two little boys and an old man!
KB: Oh no.

Kyle: I think I will go to the wife store
Kyle: would you like to go with me
KB: good idea
KB: nah
KB: I don't need one
Kyle: and help me
Kyle: pick out a good one
KB: haha
KB: well ok
Kyle: make sure she makes good sammiches etc plz

Katie: um
also today
and you better believe I submitted this to MLIA
we were talking about how fat VA was
and she was telling me about how yesterday she was 3.5 pounds fat (3.5 pounds over the socially acceptable limit of 110 pounds, as defined by myself, according to Jesse)
and then she took off her coat and she was only .5 pounds fat
and I said, "Just think how not fat you'd be if you weighed yourself in the nude!"
(our bathroom scale is in front of the art closet)
Nala: O.O
Katie: and then I said, "Sometime when the family is all gone... I'm gonna do that."
and she gave me this look
and said
"You know, there's a reason they have scales in the bathroom.... called bathroom scales..."
it had never occurred to me that I could actually pick up the scale and move it into the bathroom to weigh myself in the nude
and even THEN it didn't occur to me that I could do it while people were home until we told my mom and she said I didn't even have to wait
KB, I still don't see how it DIDN'T occur to you that you could weigh yourself in the nude in the BATHROOM, WHILE everyone was home

Katie: "Today, I read an MLIA about how if you put your earphones in your nose, you can play music out of your mouth. It worked. I also discovered that if you do this in a public library, people will give you funny looks. MLIA"
Nala: :-D
Katie: it doesn't work
I'm trying it now
Katie: I just caught a glimpse of myself in the window
Nala: you're supposed to open your mouth
Katie: HAHA
my mouth is open
Nala: oh okay
Katie: maybe I just cna't hear it cuz it's my head
I'm glad you corrected me about it though
I'm glad you're taking it seriously
Nala: I'm about DEAD right now
I think other people need to hear about this too
Katie: dangit
Katie: I forgot we're out of tissues in here

Weighing myself in the elevator for a Physics lab:
KB: Ok, that's exactly 110 pounds.
Brandon: ....I'm two of you.

Patience: *saunters up with a paper shield, Nerf sword, and sparring mask* *menacingly* Whoooo wantth to fight me firtht?
VA: I'll fight you first.
Patience: *menacingly* Okay. Wait, you don't have your thtuff!
VA: That's ok. *gives me a significant look* I'm maid of honor.
KB: *stares at her*
VA: *starts to look confused*
VA: Wait. I didn't mean... I don't know WHY I said that.
KB: I think maybe you meant "made of IRON"?
VA: IRON! Yeah.

Announcer: And he's going in for the home run!
Rebecca: Virginia doesn't know the difference.
VA: I do NOW!

Patience: You jutht thtabbed me with your shoulder!

VA: Bust a move!
KB: ....Thanks! But it's a little cramped in the shower so I'll have to wait.
VA: .....WHAT?!
KB: Did you not say, "Bust a move?"
VA: Oh. Yeah. I completely forgot I said that.

VA: Daddy dropped his glasses in the paint. It was a fun moment.
KB: Wow, um, I bet it wasn't fun for Daddy....
VA: It actually wasn't fun for any of us...
KB: Hahaha. Did he cuss?
VA: Jk, he didn't get that mad
He just sounded sort of sad.
KB: Lol! Was that his last pair?
VA: He was saddened not only from his present affliction, but from the fact that he had previously dropped his rag in the paint.
KB: Wow, not a good day for the paint.
VA: I don't know
or glasses
KB: Or rags

Drew: I think im becoming a superhero.
KB: Oh yeah?? How's it work??
Drew: I'll let u know when i find out what my powers are. But last nite my snot was neon yellow!
KB: NICE. That has to be a good sign.
Drew: Of course! And all this coughing is my insides changing.
KB: Cool. :-D
Drew: Thats my theory at least.

KB: How goes the transformation? Any new developments?
Drew: Well i did catch a pen that fell off the desk mid air...
KB: Super reflexes, possibly? You'll proably be able to do all kinds of flips in a little bit.
Drew: Hmm...maybe i was mistaken, maybe im a ninja!
KB: Always a possibility! But do they have neon yellow snot? I was always under the impression that ninja powers were in the "achieve greatness" category while super powers were in the "greatness thrust upon them" category. (Being the child of Zeus or somebody is the "born great" category.)
Drew: Haha! Well dad said it was a sinus infection...i find that suspicious!
KB: So do I. A sinus infection sounds entirely too mundane.
Drew: Psh yeah, i think hes hiding something...
KB: Maybe HE had a so-called "sinus infection" once.
Drew: Hmmm...OR he's the nemesis of said "sinus infection" people. That would make for very awkward family gatherings...
KB: Yet another possibility!
Drew: He told me it was tmi, yet another highly suspect reaction.
KB: Hmmm. You should probably avoid him until you know for sure if he's nemesis or ally.
Drew: Hmmm fact.

In bed at 11:00 on Saturday morning:
KB: I'm really hot and I wanna get up but I have to fix my blankets first and I'm not looking forward to that, so here I am... not doing it.
VA: That's my favorite way of fixing problems.

VA: I'm reading this article on good study habits because I'm procrastinating.

KB: is that all? May I go?
Kyle: You may leave.
KB: thank you
Kyle: No problem.. none at all.
KB: no doubt i will see your bright shining... text... a manana
Kyle: yes. maybe an essay if you're lucky
btw I do need a grade on those essays I sent u
need it for my report card
KB: those nonexistent essays?
Kyle: uh the essay I text to u
KB: well
one essay
on Oakleys and how the world is a brighter, happier place when it is not scratchy
Kyle: ya well I tent to text essays on the regular
just bc I only sent one essay don't mean u cant send no grade
KB: true
Kyle: btw my grammar is impervious to error
KB: B+
Kyle: thanks
I got a B+ in boxing
then weds I lost part of my tooth

Arie: Oh man. This is GENIUS. When my wife gets pregnant I'm gonna paint a mural on her stomach. It's gonna be of the baby as it looks in her stomach. It's gonna be awesome! Hey, WAIT. YOU'RE an artist. YOU can do it!
KB: Uhh, oh!
Arie: Yeah, you'll paint the mural.

Nala: (you know, I love MLIA, but sharing them with you, and then hearing the stories that inevitably come after them is even better!)

KB: Man, I need to work up my calves. I have like NO calves.
VA: You have more than me....
KB: You have chicken legs!
Later, doing P90:
VA: Man, look at his quads! They're like the size of a chicken!
KB: .....Wouldn't that mean that he, too, has chicken legs?
VA: .....Oh yeah. Well I mean one chicken PER THIGH.

Anna: *shows me a paper "laptop"* I have two CDs in here. One is for saving the world, and one is Humorous Movies and Shows, Disc 2.

At 1:00 am:
KB: You know how some people use their cell phones as flashlights when it's dark?
VA: Yeah....
KB: Well a refrigerator is a pretty good flashlight. Why don't people just carry their refrigerators around?
VA: That might work too....
KB: Yeah. I think I'll do that.
VA: It's a little late for you.

Mr. Tucci: The earth doesn't make grunty noises when it turns.

Watching figure skating:
KB: She's not Egyptian! She looks like an Egyptian. Is she an Egyptian?!
Announcer says she's from Japan.
KB: See?! She's not Egyptian! Psstt! You're not Egyptian!...... You're TWO Gyptians!
Rebecca: *giggles a lot*
VA: What?! No, it's an Egyptian, like an Email.
KB: Ohhh, like a virtual Gyptian!
VA: Yeah!

Hana: I told Nathanael about my dream last night. He asked me what I was on. I told him I wasn't but that I was best friends with a red head. He said he loved how that could always explain any thing.

Max: what if you always had a second option? and it was cake?

Jesse: Patience, can you please move your merchandise to a more suitable location?
Patience: WHAT did you thay?
Jesse: Can you put your stuff away?

Brandon: The calculator's like, "What the crap!"

Friday, March 5, 2010

Because I Am a Lifeguard

You all know I'm a lifeguard. I'm certified in lifeguarding, CPR, Oxygen, AED, First Aid, and not to be incomplete, BBP.

(If you're don't know, that's Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, uh, Oxygen, Automated External Defibrillator, uh, First Aid, and Blood Borne Pathogens.)

I also work out.

Basically what it boils down to is that I've taken a bunch of classes and spent a lot of time preparing so that I'm mentally and physically prepared to sit in a white chair and watch you frolic.

Every now and then I might get to jump in and save one of you, but really, I'm supposed to be more preventive so I can watch you safely from afar.

Oh, and I get to use a lot of sunscreen.

I know you think I'm a very caring person to do all of this for you. I know you think I do it out of the deepest goodness of my heart. I know you think that I've got my eyes peeled every second of every shift. I know you think I don't miss a thing.

What you don't realize is that while all of that may be true (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it), you really hit on the most important part: I don't miss a thing.

I see you when you throw your kid into the air. I see when your kid swims through the rail. I see that bright flash of pure white skin that tells me your kid is not wearing a swim band. I see your kid diving into the shallow end. I see your swimsuit.

Yeah. Can I just say something about swimsuits?

I just Googled it, and "suit" is referred to in more than one place as "a set of garments." Now pair that with the word "swim" and I guess you'd have "a set of garments made for swimming." I just Googled "swimsuit" too, and yes indeed, it is referred to as a "garment."

I also just Googled "garment," and it, to put it shortly, is something that is supposed to "cover the body."

Your swimgarment isn't doing that.

Actually that's the smallest swimgarment I've ever seen. How does it stay on? Where did you get it? I merely ask because my six-year-old sister needs a new swimsuit and that one looks about her size. You are not her size. You wouldn't be interested in giving it up, would you? No, it's ok. I just thought I'd ask because you seem to be coming out of it.

No, it's cool. Just thought I'd ask.

Dads? I feel for you. I know your wife is in the gym working out or something and you were sweet and said you'd take the kids up to the pool. She probably offered to get them into their suits, but you said no, it's cold out, I'll do it when we get to the locker room.

Sir, let me show you how this strange pink contraption works. I know you've never worn one, but it's a bit like underwear. The skinny part goes in the front. The not skinny part goes in the back.

I just thought I'd tell you because the skinny part of your daughter's swimsuit is in the back. Again. For the third time this week. And she looks uncomfortable. Again.

No, it's cool. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oh, and lap swimmers? You might want to have your wives check the backs of your jammers before you come to the pool. If she can see through them, it's time to get a new pair.

No, it's cool. Just... don't do anymore flip turns today.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Notes, Observations, and Other Eccentricities

This is a hodge-podge post because I have stuff to say, but not really. So here we go. I think I'll order these according to category, because I'm a freak like that.

Notes - I got accepted into The Art Institute of Raleigh-Durham. It's gonna be a switch, for sure. I'm torn, because I do want to go there. I do. It's just that I had absolutely zero doubt that I would get in, so I feel like it wasn't a big enough challenge, which is kind of disappointing. But that's just me being retarded. It should be a great school (expensive, though).

Observations - Rebecca got braces. She keeps complaining that her teeth hurt and that she can't talk, but as far as I can tell she's talking as much as ever.

Eccentricities - Anna is running around singing Man in the Mirror because she thinks she's black. That's ok, Michael Jackson thought he was white.

Notes - Quotables coming soon.

Observations - It's weird when you're not friends with someone and then all of a sudden you are, apparently, and you're like, "Hey, we're not friends, I didn't approve of this! Why are we friends? Who says?"

Eccentricities - Virginia has got to be the most forgetful person in the world. We had this conversation in the car today:

KB: The drive-in has Avatar.
VA: I know. I saw that when Mommy and I were driving up here.
Later, as we pass the drive-in:
VA: *mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, "Hey they have Avatar."*
KB: What?
VA: Um. I was going to say they had Avatar... but then I remembered you'd just told me that.
KB: And when I told you, you said you already knew!
VA: Oh yeah... man, I forgot and then I forgot that I forgot!

I rest my case.

Notes - I haven't gotten more than about five or six hours of sleep in the last three nights. I'm dead tired.

Observations - I worked out for a full hour and a half at the gym yesterday. It felt awesome and today I can't move. It still feels awesome, but it's inconvenient when I try to do complicated things like walking.

Eccentricities - Today I had to go to the scholarship ceremony at school. This definitely counts as eccentric.

Notes - The dog is giving himself a bath behind me and it's gross.

Observations - It's high time I had a photo shoot. Who wants to help?

Eccentricities - I am a banana. (My spoon is too big.)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

How to Write an Essay 101

I guess it's bad when your dad (of all people) tells you a few times a week that "you haven't posted since DECEMBER 28TH." Yeah, well... well... well nothin', I just didn't.


Tonight, rather than actually writing my admissions essay (due tomorrow), I'd like to teach y'all how to write one, which I think we can all agree is much more fun.

While I do it I'll watch Emma so I can feel like I'm actually accomplishing things.

(Don't worry. I really will write the essay tonight.)

Ok. I'm all set, so here we go. Please listen closely.

Essays Made Easy

1. First of all, you have to read the essay assignment. This part is kind of important since it allows you to actually write an essay that will not be immediately throw in the trash (we hope).

We'll take my essay assignment as an example.
What degree are you seeking at The Art Institute of Raleigh-Durham, why do you want this degree, and how do you expect your education from the Art Institute of Raleigh-Durham to help you obtain your career goals?
2. Second, you should probably check the word requirement to see how long your essay has to be. Make sure you know whether the number refers to words or characters, and whether it means with or without spaces. This will keep you from writing like seven million words and having to cut out about three million when you find out at the last minute that you were supposed to be writing with a character limit, not a word limit. Not that it happened to me personally or anything.

Fortunately the essay I'm supposed to be writing right now is "about 150 words, give or take." I'm glad AI is so specific.

3. Brainstorming comes next. This is when you really get down to business and start getting stuff done. Personally, I printed out the essay question and wrote down ideas underneath. I'll show you my list, so you can get an idea of how to do it really well.

What degree are you seeking at The Art Institute of Raleigh-Durham, why do you want this degree, and how do you expect your education from The Art Institute of Raleigh-Durham to help you obtain your career goals?

(In blue pen):

Graphic design b/c I want to be a graphic designer (design what?). CD's, posters, promotional art, clothing graphics, life (so there).

AI will help by:
- Giving me experience to visualize what the client wants
- Teaching me to complete a project for web and print
- Teaching me diff. aspects of design (type, color, composition)
- Putting me in debt for the rest of my life
- Stealing my soul
- Exposing me to freaks of every disposition
- Taking all my money
- Allowing me to finish college faster
- Crunching my classes into two days
- Did I mention taking all my money?
- Probably traumatizing me b/c Durham is such a hellhole
- But then, so is Henderson
- Dante had obviously been to Durham
- Durham was probably his inspiration, actually
- Don't even try to tell me it isn't true
- Btw i luv art
- Please don't take all that money
- I needs it

(Flip page):

But really... (what do they expect from 150 words anyway? Come on.)

Computer, here I come.
Hm. Well, I started out alright.