Saturday, January 24, 2009

Shaving Your Whole Body Is Gross

How's that for a provocative title?

People tell me all the time, "You must be so bored, sitting up there on the stand all the time." I want to say, "You have no idea." But it doesn't mean what they think it means. Lifeguarding isn't always the most exciting job, but when it's funny, it's really funny.

I worked today, from 9:45 to 4. That's 6.25 hours, for anyone who's counting (I count it because I get paid for it, and also because I like counting things.). In the space of those hours I did, heard, and was treated to many things that were much more interesting than any homework I might have done instead. I guess I could have been productive on my breaks, read some Economics, maybe gotten ahead on English. But I didn't.

I think the most notable happening today was Chris coming in and announcing that he had shaved his entire body for his swim meet. He says he "had to," whatever that actually means. He was pretty vocal about how gross and creepy it all was, and how hard it was and how he missed spots and did a bad job (actually I was the one who pointed out all the nicks on his legs), and was all, "Does this look normal?" and, "Does this look weird?" and, "I could never be a girl," and, "And when I slide my shorts over my legs! Eeewww!", and "Does this look like I have no hair?" (Why yes, Chris, it does, now that you mention it.)

Since I was sitting there trying to finish the last two pages of my book, Chris thought he should annoy me and do everything he could to keep me from finishing. He's enormously effective. Not only did he talk, but he decided it would be a good idea to rub my knee with his arm to show me how smooth it really was (heaven forbid I should doubt), and then he kept trying to stick his leg under my chair, hoping, I gather, that I would forget it was there and bump it with my leg and be weirded out. I kicked him instead. Every now and then he would say, "Read your book!" and I would say something like, "I'm TRYING, but you keep talking and... touching me and stuff!" which Ardalan and Shelby found disturbing. I won't even tell you what I found it.

Finally I told Chris I was going to tell Drew all this, because her sense of humor would appreciate his humiliation. He protested. "No! You'd better not!" he said. "She'll see it anyway," I said. "No! She won't! I'll do THIS!" he said. And he stretched the legs of his swim meet suit out over his knees, and pulled down his guard suit (which he was wearing on top) down to cover the rest of his legs.

And right as he pulled down his guard suit, his dad popped his head in the door. Chris had been waiting for his family to get there so he could watch his little sister in the pool, but I doubt he could have chosen more perfet timing.

"What are you wearing, man?!" said Chris's dad, and then, "What are you DOING?" And Chris pulled up his suit and went to play with his sister. I don't even want to know what his dad thought his son was doing with the poor demented redhead who was about to choke to death laughing.

Then I finished Brisingr (much better than Eldest), which I had borrowed from Genise last week. Then I told Chris and gloated.

Following is a list of everything else that happened today, not necessarily in order:

  1. I stayed up super late this morning making raisin bread to bring to work.
  2. I ate donuts at work. Some wonderful secret person brought them.
  3. I bought lunch from Chik-Fil-A at 9:30 AM. The fries got cold and the wrap fell apart, but I ate it anyway.
  4. Robbie sang Frank Sinatra to me. I still don't know why, but that's Robbie. On the next rotation, he was apparently going to sing me a song I had never heard (his words), but he tapped on the rescue tube and talked like a robot instead.
  5. I slipped in the guard room and caught myself by the ribs on a plastic chair. I bruised my ribs and my hand very nicely and now they're sore.
  6. I ran (in my brand new Under Armor compression shorts, which I love so very very much. They were totally worth the $25.), and now the back of my right knee is sore.
  7. I stayed after my workout to talk to Drew, and we followed each other around a lot.
  8. I went to the mall with Genise and Rose.
  9. I went to Panera with Genise and Rose, but I was a good girl and didn't buy dinner because I bought lunch.
  10. I came home and Mommy told me that I missed a lot of "action," which is code for "a whole heck of a lot of fighting." I'm so glad I was gone.
  11. I forgot to give Genise back her book.
So when you tell me you're sorry I'm bored, you just have no idea. In fact, I'm probably having tons of fun making up stories about you and your family right now, which I will tell to the lifeguard contingent later. It probably involves names, too, like "Speedo Guy. YOU know the one." And all the lifeguards will say, "Oh, yeah, THAT guy." Either that or just entertaining ourselves, like Chris likes to do.

We have to have fun somehow.


Juliet SN said...


You seriously have the best blog posts ever, carissima :D

Lizzie said...

haha. speedos and all other gross swimwear are outlawed at my pool. So we just have 'that old gross guy, ya know?' 'oh, yeah, him, the old creeper'

there are a couple of old gross guys. and 'the annoying kids', we have those too, they come every SINGLE day.
Ohh, lifeguarding. What a silly job.

Joy said...


But this was very entertaining. :P And gross. But mostly entertaining.

UndercoverBlonde said...

Your title pretty much killed me. That could get an award as the creepiest attention-getting ever devised. SCORE.

Katie Beth said...

I KNEW that would work! That's my goal: attention-getting.

No, really. At least when it comes to blogging. And taking over the world. :-P