KB: What are you doing?
Patience: Well I wath GONNA bat you in the fathe....
VA: William, are you excited about your birthday? It’s comin’ up!
KB: What?! No it’s not! We still have two more before his!
VA: Well, comin’ up later... in a few months... in a while... not that close really... I wouldn’t think about it.
Watching Karate Kid
William: No one could do that! …......Well... I couldn’t........
VA: Six miles an hour... how fast is that?
David: I think I figured out what to call my diet. Eat Less of Other Things So You Can Eat More Bacon!
William: Well I’m TRYING to get fat.
KB: What are you gonna do with all that fat?
William: I’m gonna, um, die.
Addie: At least I’m not thirty-two and still living with my parents!
Patience: She’th not thirty-two, she’th ninety....
Addie: Guess what... you have a hood! *puts it over my head*
KB: Thank you for the information....
Addie: I got yo back!
VA starts a song on the piano
VA: What song is this? I forget....
KB: Vanessa Carlton.
VA: Oh. How embarrassing.
Hana: Michael would like you to know he was not wasting time but rather shooting mutant vegetables.
Listening to Bruno Mars
KB: Ew, he said “pursue.”
VA: What is he, homeschooled?
William: What are kid grownups called, like you?
Maggie: Hey, when does the prime of life start?
Drew: To my knee... Y U NO POP?!?!?
KB: To my shoulder... Y U POP?!?!?
Drew: I feel like both suck respectively.
Jordan: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
KB: I FEEL SO POWERFUL
Jordan: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE
KB: JUST GO WITH IT
Daddy: I’m deleting you. *clicks remote at Anna*
Daddy: How do people find us on Facebook? I wonder if I can look up some people.
Patience has been sick for days
Patience: Mommy, can I have a donut hole? I’ve been healthy a lot!
Mommy: You’ve been healthy? You hardly ate half of the hamburger I gave you.
Patience: *very quietly* I’ll go eat it.
KB: Um, Mommy?
Mommy: Yeeeeees?....
KB: If I decide to be a real grownup, and like be professional, and move out... what are you gonna do with all that space?
Mommy: Ooohhh, I think we’ll be just fine... I think we can figure it out without you worrying your little head about it.
KB: But doesn’t that worry you? You might need me to leave a lot of stuff.
Mommy: NO NO NO NO NO.
James is lying on the floor in the nursery, in the way of Jack’s truck
Jack: Hey, um, can you move that baby?
Mommy: All these girls! How did we get all these girls?
KB: Well, let me explain it to you....
VA: This is a little uncomfortable, but I knew we had to have this talk at some point.
KB: I really thought you knew this by now.
Jordan: Okay. I’m gonna take this chicken, and I’m gonna put it in a baggie. And I’m gonna take that baggie, and I’m gonna put it in the fridge. Then I’m gonna get some freaking applesauce from the fridge and I’m gonna eat that because it’s nearly 10 o’clock and I still haven’t eaten anything and I’m hungry and you can’t burn applesauce.
Ten minutes later:
Jordan: THERE WOULD BE A STEM IN MY APPLESAUCE TODAY
Jordan: MY GOSH
Joe: I’m growing this beard because the other day I was running and I saw this other guy running in sweatpants and a hoodie, and he had a full beard, and with his hood up all you could see was beard. And I thought, “Now that is manly.”
VA: I don’t watch sports... but I love watching the draft.
The whole family is sick
Daddy: Who’s coughing?
KB: Everyone.
In the checkout line at Food Lion. The cashier’s name is Tra’.
VA: So, I have to ask... is your name “Trah”... or “Tray”...?
Tra’: *starts laughing*
KB: I wanted to know too but I wasn’t gonna ask....
Bagger Girl: It’s “Tray.”
KB: See, that was my guess.
BG: But why is there an accent on the A?
Tra’: It’s not an accent, it’s an apostrophe.
KB: Yeah, it’s not an accent, it’s an apostrophe. An apostrophe replaces a letter that’s not there, which means... your mama left out the Y.
Tra’: See, she just gave the whole definition!
A little kid on the soccer team sprints over to his mom and jumps into her lap
Kid: It’s too scawy out thewe! I won’t go back! Thewe awe ants! And spidews!
VA: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
William: Oh, yeah. Twelve pieces.
Jordan: So, how’s school?
KB: Ohhhhh, ya know, it’s school....
Jordan: I think that may be the most civilized question I’ve ever asked you. It was really uncomfortable.
KB: Yeah, it was. Please don’t ever do that again.
Jordan: Yeah, I’m sorry, that was really weird. Really, really weird.
Jordan: You know, sometimes I want to be you, and never grow up. And other times I want to be you WHEN I grow up.
William: Everyone won’t stop staring at me!
Daddy: Well son, you’re just gonna have to get used to that, because you have the Groover handsomeness. Girls can’t help but stare at us. We are chick magnets.
Mommy: I’m having trouble deciding what color to paint this room.
Daddy: No pink. Like, NO PINK.
Daddy: I just wrote this song for yall this morning, but sing along if ya know it!
VA: When is Cinco de Mayo?
David, at the Y, with Trevor, to me, not at the Y: Trevor got me started on weightlifting. I couldn’t stop. Can you apologize for me.
Handwritten sign on our front door
The Groover Insane Asylum - Run by David and Denise Groover - Occupied by WEIRDOS! of all ages and brains. We accept visitors at their own risk. We are not responsible for the malfunction of your brain. Anna is in need of money. Please donate.
Phone rings
KB: Hello?
Jesse: Hi.
KB: …...................Hi.
Jesse: ….........How are you?
KB: …........Fine........
Jesse: ….....Good.
KB: I answered the phone and you just said “Hi.”
Jesse: What would you like me to say?
KB: It’s just not a very good conversation starter... most people would say something else.
Jesse: Should we start over?
KB: Maybe you should call back.
Jesse: Ok, I’ll call back.
KB: Ok.
Phone rings
KB: Hello?
Jesse: Hi.
KB: I like how you asked if I wanted a MILKSHAKE. You hate me.
VA: Nnnnoooo......
KB: I would die.
VA: Oh yeah. Heh heh.
Jordan: So I went on that date today... it was really bad. Well, it wasn’t so much that it was bad... there was just no chemistry. In fact, there was so much not chemistry that I spontaneously developed my first nosebleed since the 90’s. Just sitting on a park bench, blood everywhere.
Kayl: *spluttering sound* I almost choked myself... with my headphones.
Nick: Yep... definitely paying my taxes with my credit card.
KB: I’ll ride home with yall then if that’s cool.
Andrea: Not really :/ u smell weird
KB: I’ll shower at the Wallaces.
Andrea: Thankyou. Use soap please
VA: What’s the difference between sleep and hibernating?
KB: Are you really asking me that?
VA: COMPUTER.
KB: Oh. I thought you meant, like, bears.
Emily: That was a really intense cracker-eating ceremony you just did there. Thank you for that.
Jona: All people should be invited to weddings, no matter how screwed up they are.
Jesse: Have you smelled the handle of the refrigerator?
William’s soccer trophy guy is broken
Daddy: Yeah, I think we should glue his hand coming out of his head. I think that would look nice.
William: I really just want it out of his arm....
KB: On a scale of Orange to G, how hott are you?
William: Too hott.
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