Quotables!

Alex picks up a bowling ball

Alex: I like this one because it looks like a peacock.

Dave: Would you like an invoicing snack?

Alex: Obligatory morning greeting.

KB: Obligatory inquiry of general well-being.

Alex: We are nerds…

Tim: I’ve definitely been putting laundry detergent in the dishwasher. Probably not ready to live alone…

Dave: You can call it the Sirens for Christ ministry. You can attract heartsick boys one by one and then break them down emotionally and bring them to church hahaha

KB: You’re a sweaty boy, huh?

William: I try to be!

Dave: Can you please stop climbing everything

Patience, brightly: We’re old people on our deathbed!

Alex: will you be my pen pal when I’m in prison?

Tim: I’m trying to set up a house cleaning schedule for myself. How often do people vacuum? Every six months?

Alex: No junk food, day one: I awoke this morning to find that the stuffed protruding belly that I have recently grown used to was not there to greet me… in a way it seems I have lost a comforting friend.

Dave: face it, I’m one of the sweeter van driving creeps you’ve come across

KB: Personally I want a wombat.

Dave: thats totally fair and reasonable

Chip: We disagree that this is not a whisk.

KB: Something just fell out of your hai--

David: Is it a treat???

Tim: On another note, I don’t know how pen-clickers have such an utter lack of self awareness.

Dave: im so going to die young at this rate. I need a cauliflower

Overheard at Walmart:

Guy: Hey babe, you know what I just thought of? Was I trying on the girls stuff?!!??!

Girl: Who cares?

Guy: What!!?!?!?!

Drew: Can you hand me the green blanket?

Becca: Sure. *hands her the blanket* This is how you save money! You don’t turn the heat on! You watch movies in your sweatpants and blanket and jacket!

Alex: llamas. That is all.

KB: Makes sense.

Alex: I should say so!

Dave’s vendetta against salads

Dave: anything like “spring garden medley” is clearly uncalled for!

Dave: or “arugala delight,” etc

Dave: are girls shoe sizes different? Like pant sizes?

KB: um

Dave: I don't understand the girl system

KB: well a women's 7 is not the same as a man's 7

I don't think

Dave: how can someone be a 0 to a 6?

haha

KB: in pants?

Dave: yes

KB: there's 00 too!

hahaha

Dave: i dont understand that system either!!!!

AND WHAT IS GLUTEN!?!?!?!?!?!?

VA: If there’s a world record for greatest amount peed at one time, I just broke it.

Alex: I don’t think your hard to get along with.

KB: That’s because you’re hard to get along with. ;-)

Alex: I most certainly am not! I’m a peach to be around!

What an odd phrase… I don’t know where that even came from….

KB: my sister thinks that’s way hot

for the record

hahaha

Dave: what?

zz top?

HAHAHAHAHA

HHAHAHAHAHA

dlifalsfd;sf

KB: well, yeah

Dave: hfdlas;fjlasdfls

KB: ancient people with enormous beards

hahaha!

Dave: HAHAHAHAHAHA

SHE THINKS THAT’S HOT?!?!?!?!?!

KB: always has

she’s a weirdo :-P

Dave: I WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER

UNDERSTAND WOMEN AT ALL

just when you think

KB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dave: there’s no way a girl will go for that…..

a girl goes for that

I quit

I quit I quit I quit

Alex: While there’s a third party involved ask them how gross they think bodies are.

KB: She does not think bodies are gross.

Drew: I think when you overthink it they can be gross. Like when I overthink ketchup it’s disgusting.

Drew: Was your family seriously arguing about who has the boniest butt?

KB: Oh, yeah. It’s a pretty common occurrence. Happens all the time.

Drew: …...My integration into the Groover clan is not yet complete……

Drew: You need to become a Baptist because you love food too much!!

Staring at Drew’s bare feet:

Dr. Ecker: It’s like I’m watching a train wreck! I can’t look away!

Dave: You stole pancakes from the seminary!?!?!

Dave: im trying to be the triangles most eligible hermit

it might take a few years

KB: I shall send a pigeon.

Jordan: To bite me? You'll train it? That's dedication. I'm kind of honored.

KB: You're worth it.

VA: Maggie is the best French braider in the east.

KB: The east of what?

VA: Just... the east.

Drew: ...Yeah, so then…… then he…… *trails off and stares at the ceiling*...... I think we need to vacuum our ceiling.

A Holiday Tale

Greetings! So my seester has been getting all famous and stuff lately because she has, like, deep thoughts to convey to the world or something. Like ten whole people read all her posts and I obviously can't have her being a more successful blogger than me, no matter how little effort I put into it. However, since the deepest thing I have going for me right now is some pretty intense hunger, I'm just going to tell you a story. It's a story about food, so if I get too hungry while writing it down I may have to take a snack break.

This is a story with a real-life application, so make sure you don't skip that part.

*****

Many moons ago, on a bitterly cold November day, a family made the long trek through faraway lands to their grandmother's house for the annual feast day. It was an arduous journey, fraught with peril. Few ever made it through alive, and...

Fine, fine. It was my family and it was two weeks ago for Thanksgiving and it was only like a two-hour drive. I just wanted to make it more dramatic. To be honest I wasn't even there because my brother and I drove separate from Charlotte, so I really couldn't tell you how arduous the journey was. But it was definitely bitterly cold, let me tell you. Jesse and I ran a 5k that morning and I almost froze to death. Teeth chattering all over town, man. Shouldn't be allowed.

Anyway we all gathered in the big city of Florence, SC for Thanksgiving, which is always great because food, and also family. I'll let you decide which is more important. Wink nudge.

However, since there are eleven of us counting my grandmother, the abundance of food didn't stay abundant for too long, and we had to start on the reserve supplies, like a foraging army. Fortunately my grandmother has known us for a few years now, and understands that we regard the noms with something approaching reverence and all-consuming fire.

"If you guys are hungry I have a ham you can use for sandwiches," spake my grandmother.

Some other sundry comments were exchanged, and she and Maggie, apparently the only ones not too enthralled by Andy Griffith to tear themselves away, made their way into the kitchen and ate ham sandwiches without event.

Some time later, also becoming ravenous, I also made my way to the kitchen. There's not really a midpoint for me. I'm either not hungry or absolutely about to die. The hunger pangs just strike without warning and I'm left stumbling and blind with nothing to sustain me unless I make it to the kitchen in a very strict five minutes time to bury my face in the fridge. It's pretty intense. First-world hunger is no joke! But back to our story.

The point at hand is that when I walked into the kitchen, I observed Rebecca eyeing the ham warily. The expression on her face spoke volumes of a new and utter distrust of humanity, but especially of ham.

I will now rewind to the part of the story where we first learned of the ham. I'm trying to work on this building suspense thing; is it working? You can tell me later. Keep reading, don't interrupt; it's rude.

"If you guys are hungry I have a ham you can use for sandwiches," spake Marnie (you may remember).

"Is it cooked?" spake my mother.

"Oh yeah, definitely," spake Marnie.

Thus the sandwiches, as you may also remember.

But then I saw Rebecca's expression, and I too became wary.

"I don't think this is cooked," spake Rebecca.

"It has to be," spake I, though I doubted.

"Look," spake Rebecca. "It says 'Ready to Cook' and 'Cooking Instructions'. And it looks...................."

"Oh.................. ohhhh......" spake I. "I am not eating that."

"Me neither," spake Rebecca.

As you may have guessed, despite all the suspense I built just now, the ham was not, in fact, cooked. We rectified the situation pronto, but the fact remained that Marnie and Maggie had eaten raw ham sandwiches and not thought anything of it. Maggie, indeed, assured us that her sandwich was "Oh, fine."

The practical application here is different than you may have expected, if you expected me to tell you to always make sure to cook your ham. I assume you knew that already. Rather, the practical application with which I would like to end is this: don't trust the two flightiest people you know when they tell you information that could mean life or death or at least some really uncomfortable food poisoning.

But just in case you didn't know... please cook the ham.

Quotables!

Daddy: You don’t wanna play baseball anymore?

William: No. I’m already pretty good.

KB: She has great legs. I want them.

Nick: Tan, fit, shine in the sunlight?

VA: So I am like totes an introvert.

Talking about the location of Westminster, TN:

KB: Well I don’t know where that is. But I’m going to eat a Cadbury egg now. You would do well to follow my example.

Rebecca: I’m eating ice cream. I forge my own path.

I hear a roaring behind me

KB: Is that necessary on any planet?

Patience: Look!

KB: Yes. It’s a pig.

Patience: It’th an attack pig.

Anna: Look what happened from me punching the pig. *shows me a cut*

KB: ...Why?

Anna: Why was I punching the pig?

KB: Well, why were you punching the pig... and how did that happen from punching a stuffed pig?

Anna: Well, I accidentally punched the bed.

From the girl 99% of whose friends are from other states:

Rebecca: How did you get to know someone in West Virginia?!

KB: My mom would have a cow. She would probably have seven cows.

Jordan: Haha.

KB: Of course, some might argue that she already has seven cows, and one lissome gazelle. Guess which one I am!

We’re all getting ready for a wedding, and William (who’s the ringbearer) runs in wearing nothing but Batman tighty whities:

William: Mommy, what am I supposed to wear? Other than this?

VA: Are you aware that you walk like a man?

Anna: I asked Daddy today when I could start driving the car. He didn’t say anything, so he must be hiding something.

KB: Yeah... that must be what that means.

Anna: He also said, “You live in a fantasy world,” which must be code.

VA, to her computer: Connect! Lest I smite you.

KB: But, face! Heheh. Get it? Buttface?

Patience: That’th like the firtht time I’ve heard you thay a lame joke.

I get a bad sunburn

KB: Did you see my awesome back?

Maggie: I did... how could I not?

Grace: You know, people look so burnt when you’re leaving the beach and you’re hungry.

Cason: If we were ever stranded on a desert island, I would kill Katie Beth first, because she’s the most strong-willed person besides me, and she would be my biggest competition.

Mommy: I got a free sample of these new vitamins, and if y’all want to try them with me and take some, you could look like this!

She holds up a picture of two old people walking on the beach.

Maggie: Mommy’s been using a lot of fancy words lately.

KB: She’s always used “facetious.” What other ones has she used?

Maggie: Umm... she said one in the car, but it was too fancy to remember.

KB: Do you give me a small plate in an effort to trick me into eating less?

Mommy: No, but that’s a good idea! It might work!

Anna: What is that?

Laura: It’s like... a carrot muffin... it’s got like super shards of carrot in it.

Alex: I talked to my car today, and it told me it just wanted to be friends because it’s got a lot going on in life right now...

KB: I’m sorry you had to have that conversation.

Alex: Eh, no hard feelings, but it’s only getting regular gas from now on. :-D

Patience walks by with a pitcher of water:

Daddy: Wait, where are you going with that?

Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!

Daddy: What?

Patience: We’re filling up the puddle!

Daddy: Filling up the puddle?

Patience: We’re thaving the tadpoleth!!

KB: Guys, guys, stop that and come over here. I have a question. Why would you put that on your child?!

Jon and Joe: What is that??

KB: It’s a purple fuzzy diaper!

Joe: It’s soft!

KB: But babies’ butts are already soft!

Jon: But they’re not purple!

Joe: I would use it to do this: *mimes rubbing a purple fuzzy diapered baby butt on his face*

Jon: Until I have a baby with a purple fuzzy butt, I will be using that!

VA: I’m gonna have Ryan Gosling comment on it. *she types some things* *her phone buzzes* Ohh Ryan!!

VA: Man, sometimes I really do look Asian.

Dylan: Whatcha doin tonight KB?

KB: Babysitting.

Dylan: DO WE HAVE A KID???

Alex: Yeah, I remember the day I realized I was perfect....

VA: Sometimes I like a picture just to make the number of likes even. And sometimes I don’t like a picture to keep the number the same.

KB: We need a Chipotle near here.

Mike: I would kill for a Chipotle.

KB: We can build one.

Mike: You wanna go into business?

KB: Sure.

Mike: Katie Beth, I would NEVER go into the restaurant business with you. With as much as you eat, we would never make any money. “Hey Katie Beth, how’d we do this month?” “Ohh, pretty good!” “It shows we were really busy, why didn’t we make much money?” “Oh, well, you know, I was pretty hungry...” You would be the LAST person I would own a restaurant with.

Daddy: William and I were at McDonald’s earlier, bonding, havin’ guy time, and a black girl came in wearing Elmo lounge pants. And then I realized... I have those pants.

VA: I love my scrawny little legs. They are an inspiration.

VA: The Starbucks here has these amazing looking brownies. If I had no shame I would get one.

In response to seeing a picture of my dinner of beer, nachos, and a nectarine:

David: Well you have all your colors...

KB: Arnold Schwarzenegger or however you spell it used to drink beer right after his workouts for the raw calories. Take note.

Later:

Joe: When I got your text yesterday I thought, “I am going to marry this woman.”

Becca burns herself on the oven:

Becca: OH MY GOSH IT’S BLISTERING!! I’m just kidding, it’s not, BUT LOOK AT IT ANYWAY!!!

Alex says people who wear sunscreen are killing the coral:

KB: Becca says she thinks I shouldn’t save the coral because she appreciates my existence.

Alex: So do I, but if I had to choose between you and coral not going extinct…

KB: Lol!! Jerk!!

Alex: What?! You think I would be less of a jerk if I was like “I’d destroy entire ecosystems for you!”

Drew: So my church is having an open panel about alcohol….

Becca: KB, PLEEAAAASE COMMMEEEEE!

KB: Just saw a car advertising “Unifour Fire and Safety.” They sell fire AND safety!

Alex: Keeping themselves in businesses since 1976

KB: Can I go outside and play?

Mike: If so, I’m gonna need to go with you. You’ll need a chaperone for that one.

VA: I wish someone would tell the black girl walking to class that her hair accessory makes her look like a slave.