One person can only handle so much - Part 1

Virginia has a recipe book, which I foolishly recommended to her one fateful day while browsing the B&N sale page. I don't know why I did it. I know she loves to make desserts. I know these desserts are bad for us. I know she takes it over the top. And yet I said, "Hey, there's this dessert book on sale. Do you want me to order it?" And she said, "Sure!"

So I did. She makes something out of it about three times a week, and spends the rest of the week drooling over it.



I admit that someone else who happens to have red hair spends a lot of time drooling over a particular Black Forest Cake on p. 312 (mm, cherry brandy). But that's beside the point.

Really, I don't have a huge problem with the contents of the book. I mean, if Virginia wants to indulge her overpowering passion for sweets, I guess she can have at it. I just don't eat too much of it because I don't need that much sugar.

I do, however, have a problem with the cover.

This...



This is what offends my most delicate sensibilities. What IS this? Why is there a piece of cake on top of this piece of cake?



I read this book for weeks with a niggling feeling that something was terribly wrong. When I finally noticed what it was, I was horrified. I gaped in wonder. I asked myself why someone would think that was a good way to photograph food. I still ask myself that.

No one eats this way. This rankles. This rankles deeply.

For a while I thought I was the only one who felt this way, so I kept quiet (Uncharacteristic of me, you say. Yes, I know.). I kept quiet until one day... one day when I was at the end of my rope, when I was about to let forth all the strength of my indignation... when Virginia said, "You know, this picture drives me crazy. It's bugged me ever since I got it. WHY is there cake on the cake?!"

It was such a relief. We let forth our indignation together, and the strength of it was as of the ocean in its anger, if the ocean did get angry about things like cookbooks and bad photos.

Put a cherry on top, or something. Anything. Drizzle some chocolate syrup over it. Slice a strawberry and stick it up there. Anything but cake. Cake is not a garnish for cake. Cake is not a garnish for anything. The person is not right who thinks his cake is incomplete without more cake on top. And the person who photographs it for the cover of a book is even less okay.

I thought I would never see the thing that surpassed this monstrosity, but I was mistaken. Yes, as horrible and mind-blowing as cake-topped-cake as a cover for a cookbook, there is something even worse.

Readers, brace yourselves, for what comes next is so mind-blowing, so utterly disgusting, so blatantly against all that is good advertising, that you may not believe your eyes.

(To be continued...)

Quotables!

Kyle: What if it was your destiny to flip burgers @ mcdonalds?
KB: I night die. Why do you ask?
Kyle: Cause i'm deep thinking today...y'know when ppl say profound things and go down in history. That's me.

VA: Last night my dreams were like cardboard.

Anna: HAVE FUN IN THE PIT OF DARKNESS!

Patience: Did you know... that your thithter doeth not live with you anymore? And I am your thithter?

Drew: How many questions do you ask?
Patience: Hundredth.

Patience: Athk me what I wath doing.
Drew: What were you doing?
Patience: I wath wearing thretchy pantth in my room.

Dan: O lifeguard! I can stand now! Perhaps I could help you?

Patience: *about William* He took hith shirt and pantth off, tho I got hith hat....
KB: So he wouldn't be naked?
Patience: Yeah.

Sarah: *as Genise and KB argue about something in the front seat* I should have ridden with Mom.

Comparing muscle definition at work:
Sarah: Look, I've got definition! I've got triceps! Sort of... see?!
Cam: *rubs his belly* Girls, I've got a whole dictionary right here. It's got all the definitions you could ever want!

Sarah: Guys, I saw a dead body yesterday.
JC: *horrified gasp* ALIVE???

After the swim lesson kids jump in the water:
Becca: How do y'all feel now?
Kid: Wefweshed!!

Anna: *looking at my book* Gaudy Night? So it's like, they're going into the night, and, hey look! A big truck is coming down the Givens' driveway!

Dan: Ha-ta-ta, my friend!

Chris: That was my angry walk, but you couldn't tell because I was in the water.

KB: *pulls VA's ponytail*
VA: You rang?

Driving by a field with field hands in it:
Anna: What?! I thought all the slaves were set free!

Eric: What?! You've never had a Beach Sheep?!

Patience: Did you know that Jeb putth hith tail up in the thummer and down in the winter?
VA: No, I never noticed that!
Patience: .................I wish I had a tail.

Robbie: I'm gonna take a shower tonight. It's gonna be So. Much. Fun.

Eric: I would like a houseduck.
KB: A houseduck? And where would you keep this duck?
Eric: *gives KB the eye*
KB: Yes, obviously in the house, but where specificially?
Eric: .......................................In the.... jungle.......

Anna: MOMMY!!! William's throwing DVDs at us!

Talking about [hypothetical] online dating:
Kyle: That works until you find out the girl you're talking to is actually a guy. Then it becomes awkward.

Kimberly: When I was younger I thought "ghost" was a really bad word... And I was THRILLED when we sang it in the Doxology.

Kid at the pool: Guess what we wewe doin' while evewyone else was swimmin'.
KB: What were you doing?
Kid: We wewe swimmin' in the play pawt. But then we had to come out and eat.
KB: What did you eat?
Kid: Oh, just all the snacks we bwought.
KB: Oh yeah? What snacks did you bring?
Kid: Oooohhhh, pwetzels, and cheese sticks, and an apple fow my bwothew Alex. *confidentially* He's on a little diet.

KB: Who's the one in the green swim suit?
Kid: Call it a bathing soup.

Kid: Dat's my bwothew Nicholas. He's biggew dan me even though he's fouw and I'm five. *thinks* And how old would you be............ wight now?
KB: *dies* I would be twenty-one right now.
Kid: *confidentially* My mom is in hew THIWTIES!

KB: And what's your name?
Kid: *happy/embarrassed squiggle* Zachawyyyyyyy.....................

Alec: Hey, Mrs. Groover, would it be ok if, after we finish shooting, I wash your dog?

She said this lisping, but it wouldn't get the whole point across:
Patience: Hi sin!
KB: What?!
Patience: *tone of great condemnation* A SIN!!!

After passing a squished frog on the driveway:
Anna: It seems like a lot more frogs are getting stupid.

KB: Joy said there was a tornado in her town and it ate Wal-Mart.
Mommy: It's the judgment of God.
KB: *bewildered pause* On WAL-MART?
Mommy: Yep.

Jesse: Come on, William! Let's sit here and... observe the ladies.

William: A-you a-leh me poke yeewww!

William: A-you a-give me my thword! Thwordie.

Patience: *comes up while I'm reading Physics* Here ith dirt, and water, and the thtraw. *hands me invisible items*
KB: *absentmindedly pretends to slurp it up* Oh, tasty. *goes back to reading*
Patience: *says something but isn't heard because I'm studying*
KB: *realizes she's talking* Sorry, what?
Patience: You were THUPPOTHED to make a BRICK. You ATE the BRICK.

Before a "show":
Patience: I want to announthe thomething!
Us: Yes?
Patience: There will be NO food or drinkth. Or hamburgerth.

Rebecca: Mommy, Anna called me stupid!
Mommy: Anna, you know better than that.
Anna: Well I wanted to throw something hard at her but I knew I wouldn't get away with it!

VA: Hey guess what. I did a chin-up! *as KB laughs* Well, sort of.

Patience: My omelet will be WONDERFUL!
Five minutes later:
Patience: *crying* BUT MOMMY! I CAN'T CUT IT! I HAVE TO UTHE MY WHOLE THTRENGTH TO CUT IT AND I DON'T WANT TO UTHE MY WHOLE THRENGTH TO CUT IT! I HAVE TO UTHE MY WHOLE THTRENGTH AND I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!

KB: Patience, you have no pants on.
Patience: I know.
KB: Why do you have no pants on?
Patience: Well, I had them on, but I took them off becauthe when I bent my knee I felt like I wath going to get a rash and it hurt really bad.

Anna: You know the best thing about people?
KB: What?
Anna: They can READ. And reading means whoa! A happy life!

Anna: *playing cards* Life cannot get better than this! Or CAN it?

KB: Are you going to look at any OTHER schools?
Jesse: I should... what would you recommend?
KB: I ALREADY recommended State. And State has a swing club!
Jesse: I'm sure Grove City has a bunch of swing clubs.
KB: YEAH, but if you went to State, you could take ME.
Jesse: That would take away all the appeal of going to State.

Kyle: but so what? I'm still a rockstar
KB: got your rock moves?
Kyle: yes, somewhere
Kyle: I thnk they're in my other jeans

Kyle: I knew someone who moved to wyoming
Kyle: so it exists I believe

Kyle: if you go to the beach of NC
Kyle: look out to sea (east ofc)
Kyle: you'll see bermuda
Kyle: weather permitting of course
KB: gotcha
KB: yes
KB: lol
Kyle: the weather has never permitted me to see if :-/

KB: Patience, STOP. That is not necessary.
Patience: YOU'RE not nethethary.
KB: Your face isn't necessary.
Patience: Your mom ithn't nethethary.

Kyle: Wanna fight?

Driving by a guy in a car:
VA: Is that guy smoking a cigar?
KB: Where?
VA: There... oh, he has his hand down now... we'll have to wait for him to hold it up again.
KB: Oh, I thought he was gonna just then....
VA: Yeah... close, but no cigar.

Anna: William, say, "The WICKED and the goooooooooooood!"
William: A weecked an' a dude!

William: *runs around in his diaper* Ah I indethent, wight?

In calculus class:
Josh: So why was that same kind of problem so much harder yesterday?
Mr. Turner: Well, that's mostly because I can't do arithmetic.

John: Is your life fulfilled?
KB: Is my life what?
John: Fulfilled.
KB: I..... don't even.... I.... I don't even know how to answer that. Is it fulfilled in WHAT? You didn't give it an object to fulfill.
John: ..............I'm going to take that as a yes. I'm going to take that as a yes so I don't have to question you anymore.
VA: *furrowing brows*
KB: YOU... look confused.
VA: ...........I think I am confused.
John: I think I am too.

Daddy: Hey. *smacks me with the fly-swatter*

Kyle: dude
Kyle: I was planning to go to the mall this weekend
Kyle: to get a hat
Kyle: because I am coveting a hat
KB: hahaha
Kyle: and I'm coveting the whole mall

Daddy: Do you think the Scott's Toilet Tissue overwrap would be good to wrap things in?
KB: Uh, no? What are you wrapping?
Daddy: Well I haven't YET....

Kyle: Speaking of tired
Kyle: that is a description of myself
Kyle: so I'm going to leave
Kyle: and take 45 winks
KB: alrighty
KB: dont' take 'em all, I need a few
Kyle: 5 more than the average person normally winks

KB: Children! Stop!
William: Cheewun! Top!

A Life Lesson

I would like a dozen Candied Octopodes

Lifeguarding's a funny thing. When it rains, we still have to sit out in our stands and watch the crazy people who swim in the cold and the wet. Unless of course it rains too hard, and then we close the pool. I never liked swimming in the rain because I got wet, but that could just be me. Apparently none of the swimmers share my opinion.

If it rains too hard for us to see the bottom of the pool, it's time to go. If it lightnings it's time to go. If it thunders it's time to go.

There's only so much we can do when it thunders. We can only clean so much stuff for so long. Today we were closed for two and a half hours. Everything was clean, all the extra guards were sent home, and everyone was tired of doing whatever they'd done for the first hour.

So Jack and I went to the Fun House and borrowed their Candy Land.

Man, I haven't played Candy Land in years. It's pretty hard to beat. You can't really go wrong with Candy Land. It's a pretty intense little kids game, what with the Gingerbread Man card and doubles and candy bridges and stuff like that. Riley beat both me and Jack soundly.

I remember playing Candy Land as a kid. I used to play it with Mommy pretty frequently, I think. Virginia threw away ours recently because it was coming apart and missing most of the pieces. We need to get a new one for the girls and William so they can have that essential piece of childhood too.

Today Marcus asked us how you play Candy Land. I said, "Have you never played Candy Land?!" and Jack said, "What kind of a child WERE you?"

***

Other news that must be shared: Hana and I learned (after having a conversation about octopi [wince] that I will not repeat) that the plural of "octopus" is not actually "octopi."

I wondered where the word "octopus" came from anyway, since I assumed the word didn't mean "eight cats," and Googled "etymology of octopus." I learned from the Online Etymology Dictionary, which is a very cool site that I never knew existed, that "octopus" is actually from Greek roots, not Latin, and that "pous" means "foot." Reading further informed me that, "Proper plural is octopodes, though octopuses probably works better in English. Octopi is from mistaken assumption that -us is the L. noun ending that takes -i in plural."

Octopodes? Really? I feel so freaking enlightened right now.

I told Devon the other day that we should have a Factual Aquatic Life Day sometime, in which we fill our eight-legged octopus (The other octopodes have unconventional numbers of pouses. Podes?) with ink. He said that I would want to fill an octopus with ink. Just wait until I tell him they're really octopodes.

Octopodes. Heh heh. What a cool word. Octopodes. Sheesh.

My podes are tired and spitting ink, so I'll see you cats later.

(Get it? See? Cats? Sea cats? Sea kittens? Oh, just go read the article. Ridiculous.)

Don't you just love it when you think I'm leaving and I give you something else to do?

Don't you just love it when I end my posts with open-ended questions?

The Oblivion of Parenthood - OR - What Daddy Did

It was my 21st birthday. We were going bowling, because it is the height of legality and pure orneriness. Oh, and it's way more fun than drinking.

Hana had to be at work by some specific time, and it was late, so after making sure it was ok, the two of us hopped in her car to drive to the bowling alley. We hoped that the family would be there soon after us so we wouldn't have to wait too long.

Well we got there just fine, and had a great time goofing off in the car and talking about things like socks and coworkers, but there's only so long you can goof off in a hot car without wishing you could get out. It was pretty hot in the car, but it was even hotter outside the car, so there was no way we were gonna get out before the family got there.

So I called Daddy's cell phone to see how close they were.

"Ring ring," went the phone.

"Helloooo?" said Daddy.

I wondered why he sounded so tentative, but I let it go.

"Password greeting removed for security reasons," I said.

"Password response removed for security reasons," said Daddy.

(The only reason Hana can hear the password is because we're the same person. If she were to use the password, though, I would have something to say. We're only SORT of the same person.)

"Oh good, it is you," I said, reassured.

"Yeeessss......" said Daddy.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm... in the driver's seat..." said Daddy.

"I know that," I said, "But where are you? How far away are you?"

"Um, probably ten minutes... where are you?" said Daddy, sounding more confused by the second.

"Um, I'm with Hana... we're waiting for you... why?" Now I was getting confused.

"Oh!" said Daddy. "I thought you were with us!"

Hana and I died.

"All this time you thought we were with you?!" I said, as Hana and I shrieked with laughter.

"Yeah!" said Daddy. "I was wondering why it was so quiet. I thought you were hiding behind the seat or something. I've been looking in the mirror trying to see you."

Usually my family counts everyone before we leave. There are so many of us that we have to make sure we're not leaving anyone behind. I'm not sure what happened, but apparently nobody got counted that day, and Daddy left, thinking all the time that Hana and I were in the van, hiding behind the seats.

Maybe I should ask him how he thought we could FIT behind the seats.

I am 21 today

I didn't buy cigarettes on my 18th birthday (or after that, actually), and I didn't buy alcohol today, because 1). I couldn't care less, and 2). The stuff makes my stomach feel like it's on fire.

I'm really more excited about being able to own my handgun in my own name. That's pretty sweet.

The scariest part about being 21 is that I can now be the adult in the car with Jesse and Virginia while they have their permits. I have no problem with Jesse. I'm not going with Virginia. She scares me.

But you don't have to worry about me being too responsible. Like I told Mrs. Halvorsen today when she said no hair-pulling was allowed between me and Hana, "There are some things you never grow out of!"

Apparently we did a lot of that when we were little. We don't remember. That probably shows the extent of the damage.

Coming up (so I don't forget): The Oblivion of Parenthood, OR, What Daddy Did

Hannah WOULD tag me for a photo thing

And my sixth photo in my sixth folder WOULD be a non-photo. Here's the "photo":



And here's where it came from (it's worth it, trust me): All About Cats, from my old blog. And I tag... ohhhh... Hana, Juliet, and Joy.

The deal: Find your sixth image folder and post the sixth image from that folder. Ta-da. All done. May your photos be better than mine. ;-)

Every time I'm on my old blog I find stuff that I just have to revive. I've got two for you tonight: The Many Faces of Katie Beth, and SNACK TIME. I just keep myself amazed all the time. Good grief.

I'm going heavy on the colons tonight: I'm sorry.

Heh heh. I know that was punctually incorrect. Punctuationally. Punct'lly. You know, that stuff you put next to words.

To redeem myself in the eyes of my poor readers for all this nonsense, I'll leave you with a quote from my current reading material, Have His Carcase, by Dorothy Sayers (another colon coming up!):

"The best remedy for a bruised heart is not, as so many people seem to think, repose upon a manly bosom. Much more efficacious are honest work, physical activity, and the sudden acquisition of wealth. After being acquitted of murdering her lover, and, indeed, in consequence of that acquittal, Harriet Vane found all three specifics abundantly at her disposal; and although Lord Peter Wimsey, with a touching faith in tradition, persisted day in and day out in presenting the bosom for her approval, she showed no inclination to recline upon it."

I'm going to bed now, because it's absurdly late and I'm working absurdly long hours tomorrow. And also because Lord Peter is calling my name. I love Dorothy Sayers.