Aaaand quotables!

KB: What are you doing?

Patience: Well I wath GONNA bat you in the fathe....

VA: William, are you excited about your birthday? It’s comin’ up!

KB: What?! No it’s not! We still have two more before his!

VA: Well, comin’ up later... in a few months... in a while... not that close really... I wouldn’t think about it.

Watching Karate Kid

William: No one could do that! …......Well... I couldn’t........

VA: Six miles an hour... how fast is that?

David: I think I figured out what to call my diet. Eat Less of Other Things So You Can Eat More Bacon!

William: Well I’m TRYING to get fat.

KB: What are you gonna do with all that fat?

William: I’m gonna, um, die.

Addie: At least I’m not thirty-two and still living with my parents!

Patience: She’th not thirty-two, she’th ninety....

Addie: Guess what... you have a hood! *puts it over my head*

KB: Thank you for the information....

Addie: I got yo back!

VA starts a song on the piano

VA: What song is this? I forget....

KB: Vanessa Carlton.

VA: Oh. How embarrassing.

Hana: Michael would like you to know he was not wasting time but rather shooting mutant vegetables.

Listening to Bruno Mars

KB: Ew, he said “pursue.”

VA: What is he, homeschooled?

William: What are kid grownups called, like you?

Maggie: Hey, when does the prime of life start?

Drew: To my knee... Y U NO POP?!?!?

KB: To my shoulder... Y U POP?!?!?

Drew: I feel like both suck respectively.

Jordan: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

KB: I FEEL SO POWERFUL

Jordan: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE

KB: JUST GO WITH IT

Daddy: I’m deleting you. *clicks remote at Anna*

Daddy: How do people find us on Facebook? I wonder if I can look up some people.

Patience has been sick for days

Patience: Mommy, can I have a donut hole? I’ve been healthy a lot!

Mommy: You’ve been healthy? You hardly ate half of the hamburger I gave you.

Patience: *very quietly* I’ll go eat it.

KB: Um, Mommy?

Mommy: Yeeeeees?....

KB: If I decide to be a real grownup, and like be professional, and move out... what are you gonna do with all that space?

Mommy: Ooohhh, I think we’ll be just fine... I think we can figure it out without you worrying your little head about it.

KB: But doesn’t that worry you? You might need me to leave a lot of stuff.

Mommy: NO NO NO NO NO.

James is lying on the floor in the nursery, in the way of Jack’s truck

Jack: Hey, um, can you move that baby?

Mommy: All these girls! How did we get all these girls?

KB: Well, let me explain it to you....

VA: This is a little uncomfortable, but I knew we had to have this talk at some point.

KB: I really thought you knew this by now.

Jordan: Okay. I’m gonna take this chicken, and I’m gonna put it in a baggie. And I’m gonna take that baggie, and I’m gonna put it in the fridge. Then I’m gonna get some freaking applesauce from the fridge and I’m gonna eat that because it’s nearly 10 o’clock and I still haven’t eaten anything and I’m hungry and you can’t burn applesauce.

Ten minutes later:

Jordan: THERE WOULD BE A STEM IN MY APPLESAUCE TODAY

Jordan: MY GOSH

Joe: I’m growing this beard because the other day I was running and I saw this other guy running in sweatpants and a hoodie, and he had a full beard, and with his hood up all you could see was beard. And I thought, “Now that is manly.”

VA: I don’t watch sports... but I love watching the draft.

The whole family is sick

Daddy: Who’s coughing?

KB: Everyone.

In the checkout line at Food Lion. The cashier’s name is Tra’.

VA: So, I have to ask... is your name “Trah”... or “Tray”...?

Tra’: *starts laughing*

KB: I wanted to know too but I wasn’t gonna ask....

Bagger Girl: It’s “Tray.”

KB: See, that was my guess.

BG: But why is there an accent on the A?

Tra’: It’s not an accent, it’s an apostrophe.

KB: Yeah, it’s not an accent, it’s an apostrophe. An apostrophe replaces a letter that’s not there, which means... your mama left out the Y.

Tra’: See, she just gave the whole definition!

A little kid on the soccer team sprints over to his mom and jumps into her lap

Kid: It’s too scawy out thewe! I won’t go back! Thewe awe ants! And spidews!

VA: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

William: Oh, yeah. Twelve pieces.

Jordan: So, how’s school?

KB: Ohhhhh, ya know, it’s school....

Jordan: I think that may be the most civilized question I’ve ever asked you. It was really uncomfortable.

KB: Yeah, it was. Please don’t ever do that again.

Jordan: Yeah, I’m sorry, that was really weird. Really, really weird.

Jordan: You know, sometimes I want to be you, and never grow up. And other times I want to be you WHEN I grow up.

William: Everyone won’t stop staring at me!

Daddy: Well son, you’re just gonna have to get used to that, because you have the Groover handsomeness. Girls can’t help but stare at us. We are chick magnets.

Mommy: I’m having trouble deciding what color to paint this room.

Daddy: No pink. Like, NO PINK.

Daddy: I just wrote this song for yall this morning, but sing along if ya know it!

VA: When is Cinco de Mayo?

David, at the Y, with Trevor, to me, not at the Y: Trevor got me started on weightlifting. I couldn’t stop. Can you apologize for me.

Handwritten sign on our front door

The Groover Insane Asylum - Run by David and Denise Groover - Occupied by WEIRDOS! of all ages and brains. We accept visitors at their own risk. We are not responsible for the malfunction of your brain. Anna is in need of money. Please donate.

Phone rings

KB: Hello?

Jesse: Hi.

KB: …...................Hi.

Jesse: ….........How are you?

KB: …........Fine........

Jesse: ….....Good.

KB: I answered the phone and you just said “Hi.”

Jesse: What would you like me to say?

KB: It’s just not a very good conversation starter... most people would say something else.

Jesse: Should we start over?

KB: Maybe you should call back.

Jesse: Ok, I’ll call back.

KB: Ok.

Phone rings

KB: Hello?

Jesse: Hi.

KB: I like how you asked if I wanted a MILKSHAKE. You hate me.

VA: Nnnnoooo......

KB: I would die.

VA: Oh yeah. Heh heh.

Jordan: So I went on that date today... it was really bad. Well, it wasn’t so much that it was bad... there was just no chemistry. In fact, there was so much not chemistry that I spontaneously developed my first nosebleed since the 90’s. Just sitting on a park bench, blood everywhere.

Kayl: *spluttering sound* I almost choked myself... with my headphones.

Nick: Yep... definitely paying my taxes with my credit card.

KB: I’ll ride home with yall then if that’s cool.

Andrea: Not really :/ u smell weird

KB: I’ll shower at the Wallaces.

Andrea: Thankyou. Use soap please

VA: What’s the difference between sleep and hibernating?

KB: Are you really asking me that?

VA: COMPUTER.

KB: Oh. I thought you meant, like, bears.

Emily: That was a really intense cracker-eating ceremony you just did there. Thank you for that.

Jona: All people should be invited to weddings, no matter how screwed up they are.

Jesse: Have you smelled the handle of the refrigerator?

William’s soccer trophy guy is broken

Daddy: Yeah, I think we should glue his hand coming out of his head. I think that would look nice.

William: I really just want it out of his arm....

KB: On a scale of Orange to G, how hott are you?

William: Too hott.

Quotables!

VA: *wakes up all of a sudden* I woke up! *immediately goes back to sleep*

Patience: I am the chinup fairy!

Granddaddy: So what’s your new pastor been preaching on?

KB: The Bible.

Daddy: He’s kind of in a rut.

Daddy gives me a talking Annoying Orange

Daddy: I thought you’d like that, you know, for when Eric’s not around.

William: I’m tired, Mommy. I wanna watch somethin’. Or play somethin’ on someone’s iPod Touch.

Austin: We used to have a goat, until it rammed my dad and we gave it to some Mexicans for dinner.

William: Daddy, I have hiccups.

Daddy: You'll get over 'em.

KB: It's ok William, I have hiccups too, cuz I'm sick.

William: Don't worry, I didn't get them from you.

Matt B: I’m so bad at Facebook.

After I put my contacts in

KB: There, I can see you now! And you are so handsome!

William: I’m telling.

Dylan: Is it bad that I need to eat more but I'm too lazy to do it?

Amanda: Yeah, he said he doesn't like chewing.

Dylan: I don't mind it in small amounts, but when there's a lot of food... a LOT of food... that's a lot of chewing.

Dylan: Katie Beth, are you really into World of Warcraft?

KB: What? No... why?

Dylan: You look like someone who would be. Or read comics. Do you read comics?

VA: I’m going to move this so I can be lazy more comfortably.

Taking a huge pan of macaroni and cheese out of the oven

Mommy: Katie Beth, you have to remember that this is for nine people. Not two.

To Katrina

Joe: Hey, turn that frown upside down...... ok, put it back, put it back!

KB: I feel like a superhero when I wear my new red underpants.

Daddy: Good! Now, go, conquer the world! Knowing your strength comes from withunder?!

Eric: I am a hot, attractive man with awesome sideburns!

KB: …....................................................

Eric: …...Too many adjectives?

Mommy: I hope all this dog food that I bought gets eaten... I know Toto will eat it... Jeb is really picky........ *very sheepish and sort of giggling* He only likes multicolored food.

Daddy: Oh my goodness....

Mommy: But it was on sale, so I went ahead and got it because it had different shapes... he doesn’t like food that’s all the same shape.

KB: Yeah, we’re not supposed to say the Heimlich maneuver anymore.

Caroline: Why, is it racist?

Me, kissing William’s ear

William: Um... Daddy chewed that ear.

William: Why don’t we ever bring Toto to church?

KB: Why do you think?

Daddy: He’s Catholic.

William: Why can’t Jeb do my school? Or Toto?

Mommy: Because he’s not going to college someday.

KB: Jeanna told me to get out of her coffee shop, and I said sometimes I go to the one in Morrisville even though you said it’s yours, and if I won’t listen to a deacon I def won’t listen to her.

Tim: Don’t worry, the diaconate isn’t an office of rule. Your insubordination is allowed under Christian liberty.

Amanda: I’m not marryin’ you!

KB: Does that mean I’m second in line?? [I was previously third.] He’s getting me a rock wall.

Amanda: I was just doin’ it for the ring from Tiffany’s.

KB: Sweet! I want that rock wall.

Dylan: See, KB’s doing it for good reasons. AND TRUE LOVE!!

Grace: How’d he get his ice cream so tall???!!?!

Brendan: [Vice president of risk management] is here today, so if y’all were going to do any stupid stuff, today is not the day to do it. *long pause* …..................I’m not implying that y’all do stupid stuff... just don’t do it today.

Mommy: Ok, it’s time for you to go shower. And you need to wash your face with soap.

William: WITH soap???

Mommy: Who left the vitamins out? William, was that you?

William: EEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....................

Mitchell: He swims like an injured frog.

KB: MITCHELL THE COCKROACH GOT OUT OF THE POOL

Mitchell: ….do I need to come back

After “The Human Knot” activity:

Brendan: So how do y’all feel about that activity?

Caroline: Well I’ve never held hands with my boss for so long....

KB: I’m about to get an ultrasound on my arm. I hope there’s not a baby in there.

David: I. . . Want there to be a good rebuttal because that is hilarious, let me think.

William: I like to put a lot of salt on my eggs. A lot of salt. I know salt is bad for you... but I put it on anyway. I really like salt.

Dylan: You called me dude.

KB: What am I supposed to call you?

Dylan: BOO.

Chelsea: I feel like I’m doing a chronic pushup!

Quotables

Tim: I think this is the first time since I’ve known you that I haven’t made it into your Quotables. I’m going to try to be funnier.

KB: Where’s my cup?!
VA: I couldn’t find my cup either! It disappeared for a couple days! And now it’s back and I’m afraid to drink out of it.
KB: You know, you could just wash it.
VA: *long silence* Oh. Yeah, I guess.

Rebecca: What do you want for your birthday?
William: A convertible!
VA: I hope you get a convertible, cuz you can’t drive for another ten years.
KB: Yeah, VA’ll have to drive you around and take you on dates!
VA: Yeah! Would you like to go on dates with me?
William: Yeah! And I will only drink water.

Four or five of us are all trying to print huge posters:
Logan: It’s just this big one holding it up. Once it finishes processing it’ll spit ‘em out like babies.
KB: Like babies? They take a long time! They take NINE MONTHS!
Maya: Yeah, that was actually a really bad analogy.

VA: Yeeeaaah, you’re like forty-five... goin’ on a hundred.
KB: WHAT?
VA: I don’t know why I said that. I don’t know why I say most things.

Mommy: Hi, how was it OH YOU’RE SUNBURNED.

VA: Man, I’m in such a bad. mood. TODAY!

Brendan calls the pool desk from his office:
Brendan: Is there a tube at point?
David: Yes there is.
Brendan: Is that *name of really weird guy removed* standing next to it?
David: Yes it is.
Brendan: Would you move that tube?
David: Why, does it give the impression that he’s guarding?
Brendan: Yes it does. And I would not want anyone to think that he works here.

Eric: You know, I don’t think building a sandcastle is a good way to pick up chicks.

KB: What IS a cashless ATM?
Tim: They give you tokens basically, to be used at that place
KB: …...........Reeeaaally???
Tim: Yeah. Let me know if you need me to google anything else for you

We come to a fork in the road:
Patience: Fork in the road, fork in the road! Lookin’ like a fool with your fork in the road!

KB: I love bacon so much, I’ll probably marry it.
Kimberly: If you marry it I will hve an affair with it.

Ashley: Ok, time to reapply.
KB: I thought you weren’t wearing sunscreen?
Ashley: I’m wearing it on my face, because I, *sudden British accent*, DON’T WANT WRINKLES!

Lindsay: What kind of treat is that? It looks kinda funny.
Aunt Sonya: I don’t know... peanut butter and duck, I think.

Daddy: *serious voice* Anna, when you’re a guest in Dinky Two... use the fan when you go poo.

VA: Oh! Pie! Pie pie pie pie pie!
KB: You are gonna be SO FAT.
VA: Nuh uh! I’m eating a carrot FIRST.

Mommy: Anna, what are you doing? You take so long to get ready!
Anna: Well, it’s just that I... can’t find pants.

Mommy: Why is your face so red? Why did you get sunburned? I thought you were done with that.

Brendan: Katie Beth, it worries me that you like guns.

Anna and Patience playing some game:
Patience: I’m not theventeen! I’m like, older!

Patience: I can’t wait until Jeanette layth an egg tho we know she ith really a hen!

In response to the previous comment:
Tim: I think that about a lot of people.

Family devotions:
Mommy: Anna, will you pray for Daddy?
Anna: Why?
Mommy: Because he gets tired on his trips, with the long days, late nights....
KB: Big parties....
Mommy: A party in his bed, maybe.
KB: …..You should never say that again....
Mommy: Oh! I didn’t mean it to be weird or anything....
KB: Never say that again.

Old woman at Goodwill (suggestively): That is what she said.

Jon: There is no one I would rather clean up vomit with than you.

Read while grading papers: “He was a deterrent in the waterfall of life.”

VA, stroking Grandmommy’s very soft jacket: ...It’s like you killed a cloud....

Daddy: When’s cake time?
Mommy: Ten minutes....
Daddy: !! Is it really so rigid on the Sabbath?? I mean, was the Sabbath made for the snack time or was the snack time made for the Sabbath??!?

Maggie: *mumbles something*
KB: Maggie, you have to speak ENGLISH.
Maggie: Oooohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Daddy, as Rebecca drives us all home: Ok, good turn. Now the speed limit here is a hundred and ten miles an hour so you’ll need to get your speed up.

Daddy: Oh!! Hugs!!

William: Hey, Spongebob Squarepants! I don’t even like Spongebob Squarepants!
Me: What?! I love Spongebob Squarepants! Why don’t you like Spongebob Squarepants?
William: Well I like sponges, just not ones that talk.

Santa Claus comes up behind William in Walmart
Me: Hey William, who's that?
William: *gasp* Santa Claus. *very nervously* But not the real one.

Quotables!

Patience: Daddy, don't worry, I am going to eat the orange, I'm just going to athk Mommy a quethtion.
Daddy: Well Mommy's going potty.
Patience: Ohh. Well it would be kind of awkward for me to athk her a quethtion right now.

William: You thmell like thunburn.
KB: I don't know what that means....
William: Well you do. I am gettin' away fwom hewe.

Trying to point something out to me in a hockey stadium full of people:
Rose: Ok, you see the guy with the pants?

Trying to figure out how to turn someone down:
David: Katie Beth, you're heartless, help me out here.

Overheard in an argument between Patience and Anna:
Anna: YOU HAVE RHEUMATISM!

William: Daddy, should I wear long-thleeve pantth?

Anna: Katie Beth, you just made me throw up in my brain.

Si: Jericho runs really fast! She runs as fast as a little pig!

Eric: How can we not be as popular as we think we are?!

VA: See my ring?
Patience: It lookth weird.
VA: Your face looks weird!
Patience: You look weird!

VA: I’ve been getting cold at night, so I’ve started wearing... a sweatshirt!
KB: Virginia... what do you see me wearing?
VA: A sweatshirt. That’s where I got the idea.

KB: You know the worst part about the tub drain getting clogged?
VA: Your feet get hot.
KB: What?

VA: *walks into the room* Where is my super suit? *walks out* *walks into the bathroom* Here it is.

VA: I forgot my ring.
Mom: We have time if you want me to turn around and get it.
VA: What? No! I don’t go to church to show off my accessories!
Patience: *I* go to church for that.

KB: William, pull your pants up.
William: But I’m pantthing mythelf!

Rebecca: Hey Patience, William learned to say his s’s. Now it’s your turn.
Patience: Thtooooooop!

Nic’s estimation of how we girls feel around a creepy guy at the dance:
“I feel violated when he smiles.”

KB: So what have you been doing at the Joyners’?
William: *thinks really hard* Weeeewww..... NO THCHOOL!
Later:
Mrs. Joyner: That’ll change tomorrow... he’s only been here for a Saturday.

William: Can I have lunch?
KB: Yeah, what would you like?
William: I don’t know.
I find him in the sandbox a few minutes later
KB: William, I thought you wanted lunch?
William: Oh yeah, I do. But you can make it.

Patience, explaining an episode of MASH: Her huthband wath affairing with thomeone elthe.

Cason: We turned Hana into a drinking game.

VA: Well at least they weren’t hooligans who just wanted to steal your cleaning supplies or something.

VA: I’d like to floss my teeth. That’s all I want from life.

VA: This is super tragic.

Katrina: One of my friends wants a baby pikeyporn nope WRONG WORD. PORCUPINE.

KB: Is that a potato?
Lindsay: I don’t know, but it’s cute.
KB: Oh, it’s a cat... I thought it was a potato....
Katrina: It’s not a potato?

Tiny kid in the locker room: *very calmly* I jutht have to pee tho bad.

VA: What I really wanna do with my life is crawl into a hole and go to sleep.

Eric: Headache.
KB: I know. Do you want some Advil?
Eric: I have some in the car! I have a full bottle of pants. Full of...................... pants.

Patience: What’th a thcholarship?
Rebecca: It’s when they give you money to pay for your school.
Patience: Thoundth boring.

We see a picture of a huge cottonmouth
KB: Well I won’t be swimming in the Pee Dee River in Darlington, South Carolina anytime soon.
VA: I wouldn’t do that anyway with a name like that.

Patience and VA are playing Hangman. Patience writes out a word with like twenty letters.
VA: A.
Patience starts drawing
VA: What?! There’s no a in all of that?! Do you even have letters for all those?!
Patience: Um... it’th all q’th.

William: Mommy, I’m thtill hungry.
Mommy: What did you just eat?
William: Lettuthe.

Katrina hands me some candy
KB: Why are you handing me this?
Katrina: ...So you can eat it....
KB: Oh! Thank you.
Katrina: I’m handing it to you so you can put it up your nose. Do it now.

Patience: *singing* I eat cookieth every day....
KB: You do?
Patience: Not really. I wath thinging a happy fat thong.

William: Katie Beth, I don’t undahthtand why people believe in Thanta Clauth when he’th not weal.
KB: *not paying attention* Yeah, me neither.
William: *look of ultimate confusion* …...But he giveth uth pwethentth....... and HOW??

William hands Mommy an apple
William: It’th for you!
Mommy: Oh, it’s for me?
William: Yeah! Ya wanna shawe it?

KB: You’d better be thankful you had a kid like Maggie in the batch!
Mommy: Ohh man, I don’t think I’d be sane without her.

Robbie: Those are my cards.
KB: I saw those. Where’d you have them printed?
Robbie: I dunno. California, I think. It was some online website. An online website. I just said that.

Kid 1: I ain’t touchin’ that.
Kid 2: Well you should!
Kid 1: You spit on it!
Kid 2: I cleaned it off with my sock!

Katrina: Lincoln says my ghetto accent doesn’t work... I think I’m gonna prove him wrong.

VA: Hey, when did you get legs?
KB: Um, never, apparently....
VA: But you have more than you used to! You have way more than me, anyway.
KB: Virginia, my legs have fat on them. They are a constant source of affliction.
VA: Yeah, I’m sure the early Christians had that problem. Fire, jail, torture... persecuted with fat legs.